Captain’s Log, Stardate 5432.8765493010103211010297. We are waiting at Starbase 1010297 for our new crewmember to arrive.
 
 “I believe that the new crew member will be on board in 5 minutes,” Will Riker, the First Officer, guessed with confidence.

 Picard ignored him. Riker was always way way way off. “Mr. Worf, what do we know about this new crewmember? Ensign…what’s his name again??”

 “Ensign Furby Furby,” Worf said with disgust at the cutesy name. “And I don’t know much more than that.”

 Picard turned to Riker. “Number One, do you know anything?”

 Riker shrugged.

 Data turned around. “Sir, I believe I may have some information on this new crewmember.”

 Picard almost groaned. He did not want to listen to Data rattle off twenty pages worth of facts on this guy. “What is it, Mr. Data? And keep it short, please.”

 “Well, sir, it seems Ensign Furby comes from the planet Furby, which just joined the Federation four years ago. The inhabitants of the planet are called “Furbies” and speak the language Furbish. They are mammals, small in structure and intelligent.”

 Picard was surprised that that was all Data had to say. “Interesting.”

 “Two more minutes until our new crew member arrives,” Riker said with even more confidence than before.

 “If you’re right, Number One,” joked Picard, “I’ll resign from Starfleet.”

 The new ensign arrived an hour later. Deanna Troi and Picard both went to meet him.

 “Where is he?” Troi muttered when they came to the spot where they were supposed to meet this new ensign.

 “I don’t know….” Picard answered.

 “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllooooooooo!!” squeaked a rather annoying voice.

 Troi and Picard looked around in confusion. Where was that voice coming from?

 “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooo!!” the voice squealed again.

 Picard looked down at his feet, and what he saw made him step back in fright. “Uh…hello….there.” He nudged Deanna, who looked down as well. “Uh….welcome, Ensign…Furby. Uh….I am Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the U.S.S Enterprise.”

 Deanna Troi could not manage a word.

 The thing was tiny. It reached only to Picard’s ankle. It had wide black eyes and a beak. It was covered in black and white fur, and Picard couldn’t for the life of him figure out how the heck that thing got into Starfleet academy. Then again, a living thing was a living thing. If they let Data in, they couldn’t leave anything else with half a brain out.

 “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllooooooooooooo!!” the thing said again.

 Picard glanced at Deanna Troi, who was still staring at the creature in shock. He had a hunch that the crew was not going to respect this….toy.

 Picard was embarrassed to bring Ensign Furby onto the ship. Is the Federation this desperate for membership? He thought. With a deep breath, he stepped onto the bridge.

 “Captain, where is the new ensign?” Riker asked.

 Picard pointed to the floor. “This is Ensign Furby.”

 Riker took a step back in disgust. “You’re kidding.”

 “Number One, don’t treat our new crew member with such disrespect! Of course I’m not kidding!” I wish I were… “Even if he is….miniscule….he still deserves the same respect as everyone else.”

 “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllooooooooooooo!!” said Ensign Furby.

 Data looked at it curiously. Riker jumped back, and Worf scowled at it.

 Ensign Furby began to chatter in a foreign tongue.

 “What the hell is it saying?” Riker asked.

 “I don’t know!” Picard exclaimed.

 “Don’t look at me,” Troi said.

 “I do not recognize what he is saying, but I believe he is speaking Furbish,” Data spoke up.

 “Thank you for pointing out the blatantly obvious once again, Data,” Riker grumbled. “Doesn’t this thing….. speak English?”

 “Captain….I’m sensing anger from…something,” Deanna told Picard.

 “Probably from Commander Riker,” mumbled Picard.

 Ensign Furby pushed the ensign at the helm out of his seat and stepped in himself.

 “What the hell does he think he’s doing?!” Riker exclaimed.

 “Relax, Will. Perhaps Ensign Furby just assumed that he was supposed to start right away.” Picard assumed.

 Riker cautiously walked over to it. Ensign Furby was still rattling off things in Furbish. “Uh…Ensign….you’re not supposed to start yet. Wouldn’t you like to be shown your quarters? I’m sure we have a shoebox lying around somewhere.”

 Ensign Furby snapped something at Riker that was most likely a curse of some sort. He kept facing the control panel, pushing buttons.

 “What the hell is he doing?”

 “Are you just trying to find excuses to curse, Number One?” Picard said rather testily. “He’s obviously working very hard.”

 “New course heading, mark 45 point 7.” Data announced.

 “See! Ensign Furby did it!” Riker accused. “He’s insane! For all we know we could be driving right into a star or something.”

 “Don’t just assume its Ensign Furby just because he’s new and slightly insane, and he’s rattling off things in another language none of us are familiar with.” Picard said. “For all we know, Data could have set those new coordinates and is trying to cover it up! Remember that time with the homing device?”

 “Sir, I find that unlikely,” Worf interjected.

 “I still think its Ensign Furby,” Riker told Picard.

 “I am certain that Data did it,” stated Picard.

 “Uh…sir…news flash. Dr. Soong is dead.” Riker reminded him.

 “Uh…’news flash’ Number One,” Picard snapped, mimicking Riker, “no one saw Dr. Soong actually die, right? And even if he did, someone could have wandered into his place and started pushing buttons! Did anyone think to lock up when you left?”

 “Sir, that is really unlikely, considering that the planet Dr. Soong lived on was DESERTED!” Riker yelled.

 “It’s Data!” declared Picard. “Have him locked up before he can do further damage, Mr. Worf.”

 “Captain, I assure you, that I am operating within established perimeters.” Data spoke up.

 “It’s a trick! Mr. Worf! Take him to the brig.”

 Worf was reluctant. He remembered the time Lore had beaten the crap out of him….and anyway, he was pretty sure there was nothing wrong with Data. “I do not believe that Data had anything to do with this.”

 “Shut up and do as you’re told, Mr. Worf,” snapped Picard.

 “Yes, Captain,” muttered Worf, going over to Data. “Come on, Data.”

 Data was thoroughly confused. “I do not understand.”

 “You’re trying to take over the Enterprise,” Picard said to him, “we have things to do. We don’t want to relive “Brothers” all over again.”

 Data cocked his head to one side. “I do not recall trying to take over the ship today.”

 Picard waved his hand. “Get him out of here! He’s trying to break free!”

 “Captain, I am not even restraining him,” Worf said.

 “Just get him out of here,” ordered Picard.

 Worf and Data left the bridge.

 Ensign Furby hadn’t shut up since he had come on board. And he was still pushing buttons.

 “That was the stupidest thing you’ve ever done,” Riker said. “Ensign Furby obviously is the one doing this, and you accuse Data. Let’s stop Ensign Furby before he blows up the ship or something.”

 “Ensign Furby is as innocent as a newborn baby,” Picard said. “Now that Data is confined we should have no further problems. And don’t accuse me of doing something stupid, Number One, when 80% of things you do are considered stupid.”

 Ensign Furby grinned evilly.

 “Sir…where is Ensign Smiles?” asked Worf. “And why does Ensign Furby have blood smeared around it’s mouth?”

 “For all you know it could be hi C,” Picard said.

 “LAFORGE TO THE BRIDGE!”

 Picard and the other officers put their hands over their ears as they heard Geordi’s yelling.

 “Why can’t he just speak in a normal tone,” groaned Deanna, slinking down into her seat.

 “Picard here, Geordi. What seems to be the problem?”

 “I NEVER SAID THAT WE COULD GO WARP 10, CAPTAIN! OUR WARP CORE CAN’T HANDLE THAT FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER…..”

 “Hour?” guessed Picard.

 “RIGHT. HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?”

 “Just a hunch,” Picard told him. “Well, Geordi, I didn’t even order the ship to move, but Data has gone crazy and he did that. I’ll have it fixed right now. Why don’t you go see what’s wrong with Data? He’s in the brig.”

 “OK, CAPTAIN. LAFORGE OUT.”

 “Why don’t you tell him to keep his voice down,” groaned Riker.

 “Shut up and fix what Data did,” Picard ordered.

 Riker mumbled something under his breath and sat down in Data’s seat. He tried to fix it, but was unable to. “Captain, I can’t fix anything! It’s all been locked into the computer somehow!”

 “Damn Data. I should have known!”

 Ensign Furby snickered evilly.

 Worf returned to the bridge wearing his pussy Klingon expression.

 “Captain, I still firmly believe that it’s Ensign Furby! He just snickered evilly when I told you that the instructions were locked into the computer.”

 “That’s nonsense, Number One. That was giggling, not evil laughter.”

 “Captain, I am sensing an evil presence.”

 “Well, there is a Klingon in the room, counselor,” Picard said to her.

 Worf frowned.

 “Captain, that was clearly evil laughter. Can we assume for once that there are species out there that are evil besides the Romulans, the Ferengi and the Borg?”

 “Borg?!” exclaimed Picard.

 “What?”

 “Borg!”

 “Huh?!”

 “Borg!”

 “Captain, calm down.”

 “Borg!!! Red Alert!”

 “Captain, there are no Borg!”

 “No Borg?”

 “No.”

 Picard sat down in his chair, out of breath. “That was a close one.”

 Riker glanced at Deanna Troi and Worf.

 “LAFORGE TO THE BRIDGE!”
 

 Deanna covered her ears. “Not again…”
 Picard covered his communicator. “Can we stop complaining about Geordi’s screaming? The man is blind. Let him scream.”

 “What kind of screwed up logic is that?” Riker asked.

 “Shut up, Number One. When you go blind, then you can scream.” Picard uncovered his communicator. “Go ahead Geordi.”

 “I CAN’T FIND A THING WRONG WITH DATA, CAPTAIN. I DON’T BELIEVE THAT HE’S THE ONE WHO BEEN DOING ALL OF THIS.”

 “I told you! It’s Ensign Furby!” Riker said.

 Picard glared at Riker as he said, “thank you, Mr. LaForge. Tell Commander Data he may return to the bridge and that I am sorry for accusing him.”

 “OK, CAPTAIN. LAFORGE OUT.”

 “I told you! I told you!” Riker said again.

 Picard ignored him. “Q! Come out! I know this is one of your twisted games!”

 “Q?” muttered Worf.

 “Sir, I don’t think it’s Q…I THINK IT’S ENSIGN FURBY!” yelled Riker.

 “Shut up, Number One! Q can’t hear me calling him over your yelling! Q! Q! Come out come out where ever you are!”

 “Sir, I’m telling you, Q has nothing to do with this.”

 “Q! Q! Where are you, you blasted…..whatever the hell you are?!”

 “Perhaps we should lock the Captain in the brig,” Worf muttered.

 Data came back to the bridge to see Picard calling for Q and running around the bridge like a lost child.

 “Captain?”

 “Shush, Data. It’s Q! He’s been causing all the problems.”

 Ensign Furby snickered evilly once again.

 “Captain, I believe I just heard a hostile expression coming from Ensign Furby,” Data said.

 “See, he heard it too!” Riker exclaimed.

 “So did I,” Worf spoke up.

 “Me too,” added Troi.

 “I knew it!” Exclaimed Picard.

 “Excuse me?! You knew it!?” Riker exclaimed.

 Picard ran over to Ensign Furby. “Q has possessed Ensign Furby!”

 “What?!”

 “Sir, I do not believe Q would do that.”

 “Q, come out of my ensign at once!” ordered Picard.

 Riker had had it. He tapped his communicator and said in annoyance, “Bridge to Dr. Crusher.”

 “Crusher here.”

 “Beverly, Captain Picard has gone insane. Can you and a team get up here to drag him away kicking and screaming? He needs to be subdued.”

 “I’ll see what I can do, Commander. Crusher out.”

 “Q!! This is not in any way amusing!”

 Data took his seat again, and Riker told him what happened with the information being locked into the computer.

 “I will see what I can find out,” Data responded.

 Dr. Crusher and her team arrived on the bridge and saw Picard screaming at Ensign Furby to Q. They walked over and grabbed him.

 “Q! Have you infected my medical staff as well!? This is really not funny!”

 “I called the medical staff, sir,” Riker told him. “You need to be examined.”

 “Q is inside Commander Riker!!” yelled Picard.

 Dr. Crusher gave him a shot of something to put him out.

 Riker said, “thanks Beverly.” And the medical staff dragged Picard to sick bay.

 Will cracked his knuckles. “Ok, Red Alert! Ensign Furby, I order you to stop this at once!”

 Ensign Furby did not move.

 “Ensign Furby, your commanding officer is commanding you to do something. Do it!”

 Ensign Furby still did not move.

 “Ensign Furby, if you do not correct everything you have done, we will have you tortured until you do.”

 Still no reaction from the Ensign.

 Riker lunged for him. “That’s it! I’m taking matters into my own hands!”

 Before he could get his hands on the ensign, Furby was biting his leg.

 “Ow!!” exclaimed Riker, hopping around on one foot. “Mr. Worf, GET THIS THING OFF OF ME!” He tried to shake the thing off, but it wasn’t working.

 Worf rushed over to help Riker. He tried to pull it off, but couldn’t.

 “Data, HELP ME!!” If Data couldn’t help him….who could?

 Data very calmly strode over to Riker, grabbed Ensign Furby and pulled. Even he could not budge the creature.

 Riker screamed like a girl. “Get it off, get it off!” He was practically crying.

 Worf and Data both tried to get it off, but they still couldn’t make a difference.

 “Sir, permission to whack it with a stick. Perhaps I can manage to knock it unconscious,” Worf said.

 “Mr. Worf, you have permission to kill it!” Riker yelled.

 Worf went and got  two heavy metal poles, and he and Data began to whack at Ensign Furby.

 “Will, I’m sensing aggression and anger from it,” Deanna said.

 “That would have been more useful before it attacked me!” yelled Riker.

 “The whacking is ineffective,” Worf announced.

 “Well, try something else! Get this thing off me! It could be diseased!”

 “Would you like us to stun it?” asked Worf.

 “Stun it, shoot it, hurt it, kill it, I don’t care, as long as it is off me!!!”

 Data and Worf pulled out their weapons, set it to stun, and stunned the Ensign. It fell off Riker’s leg and to the floor.

 Riker fell to the floor, clutching his leg.

 “Medical emergency on the Bridge,” Data said, after tapping his communicator.

 Deanna Troi tried to comfort Riker.

 “TAKE THAT THING AND LOCK IT UP!! AND DO IT NOW, BEFORE IT WAKES UP!” Riker ordered Worf and Data.

 Worf stunned it once again to make sure it was unconcious, and he and Data took it away as  Dr. Crusher rushed in.

 “What happened?” she asked, rushing over to Will.

 “Ensign Furby bit me!” he told her. “That thing is dangerous! Even Data couldn’t pull it off! Data and Worf together whacking it with metal poles couldn’t get it off! Only stunning it worked!”

 Crusher examined the area with a tricorder. “You just got a cut. It’s pretty deep, but I can’t see any infections.” She placed something on it to heal the wound.

 “How’s the Captain?” asked Deanna Troi.

 “He’s sleeping,” she answered, “I have no clue what the heck’s wrong with him.”

 Worf and Data dumped the creature in the brig.

 “Worf, I have been attempting to analyze what the creature was saying before, and I believe I have made some progress with this ‘Furbish’ language.”

 The Klingon looked at the andriod. “What have you discovered?”

 “I believe it was saying that it wishes to destroy the Federation and it is taking us to it’s home planet right now.”

 Worf’s eyes suddenly grew very wide. “We must go tell Commander Riker at once!”

 Data and Worf hurried back to the bridge and found Commander Riker sitting in the Captain’s chair, looking rather frustrated.

 “Commander Riker, Data believes that he has an idea of what the creature was saying.”

 Riker suddenly looked interested.

 “I believe it was saying that it wishes to destroy the Federation, and it is taking us to it’s home planet right now.” Data stated.

 “Red Alert!” Riker yelled.

 “Sir, we are already at Red Alert,” Worf reminded him, taking his position.

 “Oh yeah. Well, continue it,” Riker said. “Mr. Data, have you figured out how to get those instructions out of the computer?”

 “Not yet, sir. Perhaps if Geordi were to help me, we could get the job done more efficently.”

 Riker was not too happy about the idea of calling Geordi up to the bridge. That would involve talking over their communicators. What choice did he have? He didn’t want to be stuck on the freakazoid’s planet. Tapping his communicator, he said, “Bridge to Engineering.”

 “LAFORGE HERE!”

 Riker cringed and said, “Geordi, I need you on the bridge.”

 “ON MY WAY. LAFORGE OUT.”

 “What is going on in engineering that he needs to scream all the time?” Riker mumbled, slumping down in his seat.

 Geordi stepped off the turbo lift and onto the bridge. “Where’s the Captain?”

 “He needed some rest,” Riker explaimed quickly, getting out of his chair and leading Geordi over to Data. “Geordi, that freaky new ensign of ours somehow programed into the computer coordinates that we can’t fix. Do you know of any way we could reverse the process?”

 Before Geordi could answer, Data spoke up, “what about a tackion pulse?”

 “What about seperating the ship…” Riker thought aloud.

 “Uh…actually, those suggestions won’t be necessary.” Geordi sat down at the control panel and pressed a few buttons. “Here we are. All I have to do now is press ‘cancel’.” He did so, and turned around, smiling. “Where to, Commander?”

 Riker was amazed, but didn’t show it. “Um…back to Starbase 1010297, of course, Lieutenant Commander.”

 Data looked over at his friend. “Geordi, may I ask how you did that?”

 Geordi grinned. “Just a little enginneering magic, Data. Well….that and I had a Furby for a pet once. I know how their mind works, so I just thought like it would.”

 “That’s a very scary thought,” Riker mumbled.

 “Commander, what are we going to do with Ensign Furby?”

 “Let Starfleet deal with it. Biting a superior officer is a very serious offense.” Riker paused. “At least….it must be. I don’t think it’s ever happened before.”

 “There’s no place like home….there’s no place like home…” Picard woke up with a start. He sat up, and looked at his feet. “Where are my ruby slippers?”

 Dr. Crusher rushed over along with Riker, Data, Deanna, Geordi and Worf.

 “Jean-luc, are you alright?” Dr. Crusher asked.

 Picard looked at all of them. “I was in a faraway place….a place I’ve never seen before.” He looked at his friends one by one and pointed them out as he said, “and you, and you, and you, and you where there!”

 “What about me?” asked Geordi.

 Picard thought for a moment. “No, you weren’t there.”

 Geordi frowned.

 “Jean-luc, it’s ok. You’re on the Enterprise. It turns out Ensign Furby was responsible for everything. He even attacked Will—“

 “Served him right for not respecting the new ensign,” Picard muttered.

 “—But he’s been locked up and everything is ok now.” Beverly smiled at him.

 “Good.” Picard looked around sickbay. “Now, why is there a Red Alert?”

 Riker shrugged. “I find the red flashing lights soothing.”

 An ensign in the background went into seizures and fell to the floor.

 “Cancel Red Alert,” ordered Picard.

 “Ooooooohhhhh,” moaned Commander Riker.

 “Mr. Data, set a course for Starbase 1010297.”

 “We are already heading for Starbase 1010297.” Data said.

 “Splendid.”

 “Where are we going?” asked Geordi.

 “Starbase 1010297,” Data answered.

 “1010 what?” Geordi asked.

 “297.”

 “Just dial 1010297, then the area code and the number as usual,” Deanna Troi interjected.

 “What?” everyone else said in unison.

 “It’s in the script,” she shrugged.

 Picard turned to the camera and smiled. “Dial 1010297 and save 2% on your phone bill.”

 “Was this episode sponsered by 1010297 or something?” asked Dr. Crusher.

 “I believe we are still on the air,” Data spoke up.

 “Oh! Uh….Mr. Worf….next time make sure you consult me before doing something so outlandish.”

 Worf was confused. “What? Uh…ok…Patrick..er…Captain.”

 Picard grinned. “Make it so.”

 
Director: And that’s a wrap!

 Patrick: Thank God! That episode was the worst one yet!

 Jonathan: Worse than “Shades of Gray”?

 Patrick: Not quite that bad.

 Gates: What’s this episode called?

 Michael: I think they’re going to call it “The Wizard of Q”

 Patrick: But Q wasn’t even in it! That title has nothing to do with the Furby.

 Everyone shrugs

 Brent: Someone get this makeup off me! You know I’m allergic to it!

 LaVar: (bashing his VISOR against a table) I hate this thing! I hate it!

 Patrick: Stop yelling!

 Jonathan: I bet we could write a better episode than these stupid writers.

 Patrick: When they resort to copying “The Wizard of Oz” and using a popular children’s toy as the villian, you know we’re in trouble.

 Director: You know this episode was sponsered by the company that makes Furby and 1010297, right?

 Patrick: But why would the people who make Furby want to make it look evil?

 The Director shrugs.