And every roller coaster has that one last drop before you pull into the station.

    I've mentioned AVALANCHE already. The terrorist group. Shinra had become obsessed with stopping them. Of course, guess who they put in charge to putting an end to them.

    Yes, of course. The Turks.

    I didn't have a choice. Whether it was my own will or not...

    I just didn't have a choice.

    I was neglecting Reeve, and I felt badly about it. He would call me on the PHS a lot and ask me what I was doing. I couldn't tell him. Not because I was not supposed to, but because I didn't want to. How could I tell him there was a group out to destroy us and his city? He hated the damn thing enough already, and that was the last thing he needed to hear. I was only trying to protect him. I knew how fragile he was.

    And every time I was doing something to protect Reeve, I couldn't help but think of Bryatt.

  "I'm only trying to protect you!"

    "I'm not a child, Bryatt! I lived on the street for five years! I'm not stupid and I can take care of myself!"

    "Oh yeah? Then why are you so weak? Why do you put up with things you don't have to?"

    "Fuck you."

    "You wish. ---No... No, I didn't mean it. Tseng... I didn't mean it... I know you're not a child. I know. It's just... God dammit, I love you. And I don't want to see anything happen to you. That's why I try and protect you. But I'm not doing a very good job of it, am I."

    "I don't need anyone to protect me. I only want someone to love me. From now on I'm going to take care of myself."

    Bryatt's thinking was beginning to make perfect sense to me.

   And I had taken horrible care of myself, hadn't I.

    I shook my head and tried to concentrate on the paper before me. I was sitting in my office, holding my new orders. Shinra's other obsession, besides money and Mako and Avalanche, was 'The Promised Land' and Neo-Midgar.

    The Promised Land meant the Ancients.

    And the Ancients meant Aeris.

    I could not bring myself to capture her again, so I was going to send Reno. She had done so much to help me in the past, even if she hated me now, I couldn't forget her kindness, even if I was only Shinra scum.

    That's what these particular orders were about. With a sigh, I put it aside, rubbing at my temples. The window was open behind me and the night air felt cool on my back. I wanted to go home, wrap my arms around Reeve and nuzzle against him before going to sleep, but another part of me didn't want to move... Something didn't feel right.

    That was when I heard the explosion.

    It was more than an explosion, hell, it felt like the world was being destroyed, and the whole room rattled, the deafening noise shocking me into falling off my chair. I was shaking, stunned at the noise, terrified. I hadn't been this scared since the bomb threat those years ago...

    Reeve...

    Once everything had come to a standstill again, I pulled myself to my feet, looking out my office window to the city below.

    There was only smoke coming from the number one reactor. It blanketed the sky as the flames licked up into what was once the peaceful night air. I knew right away what had happened.

    A terrorist bomb.

    AVALANCHE.

    My hand shook violently, and I grabbed at my chest, suddenly feeling the urge to break down and cry.  This was worse than we thought. This was much worse than we thought.

    The lives of *innocent people* were in danger now.

    And only Shinra scum like me were supposed to be responsible for taking those.

    I put a hand to my head and bit my lip. I didn't know what to do.

    The PHS rang, and with a curse I answered it. I was not surprised to hear Heidegger yelling. He apparently had the same ideas as I had, and ordered me to wake up my comrades and get right on this. I wanted to vomit, but I told him I would.

    How many people died in those fires??

    I called Reno and Rude, who were both awake from the blast, and told them to get to what was left of the reactor right away. I tried to sound calm, but for the first time my patience was tested. I was supposed to be calm and steady, I was known for that.

    Who the fuck was I trying to kid?

    Before I could leave the PHS rang again, and, at the end of my rope, I grabbed it angrily and barked, "Heidegger, I told you, I'd get right on it."

    "This isn't Heidegger, Tseng. It's me."

    Oh shit. Reeve. This was not news he had to hear... Should hear... Not if I was going to protect him... My voice softened. "Reeve? What are you doing? Shouldn't you be asleep?" The latter was a stupid thing to say, considering that not a soul in Midgar, or Kalm for that matter, could have slept through a blast of that force.

  "You expect me to sleep through that blast loud enough to be heard around the world?"

    No.

    Knowing it was stupid and useless, I muttered, "......it was nothing."

    Reeve's reply shocked me. I would be lying if I said it didn't. The tone of his voice didn't shock me so much as the number of curses he used. Clearly, I wasn't going to be hiding anything from him this time.

    So I did the only thing I could, and I told him. I didn't go on at length, but only gave him a short explanation, in simple terms designed just to give him the shock he deserved to hear. "There is your straight story, Reeve," I concluded, my voice as serious as it ever had been as a Turk. " It is what I deal with every day. It never gets any easier." That's why we're not supposed to cry... Because it always hurts...

    Reeve was traumatized, and I didn't blame him. But I didn't like the long silences I was getting, and furrowing my brow, I asked him if he was okay.

    "No... No, I'm really not..."

    I didn't like the sound of his voice. Not at all.  He sounded terrified, he sounded lost, and most of all, he sounded unstable, as if he was about to fall to his knees and have a nervous breakdown.

    I had to be with him.

    "Stay right there, Reeve. I'm going to come as soon as I can, okay?"

    "Don't do it, Tseng." It was practically a plea, and I could hear him crying and I could hear him shaking, and I don't know how I kept my heart from going to pieces. Reeve clearly needed me--badly, and it was my job to rush to his side. "Please. Don't help them anymore."

    I wish it was that easy.

    I wish I could have turned around and dropped it all. Told Heidegger to fuck the reactor and maybe blow a few up myself, I don't know. Yes, here Reeve was, practically on the side of AVALANCHE, and here I was, my life and soul shackled to the Turk oath and my vow of loyalty and service.

    I would do anything for Reeve. ANYTHING.

    So why did he have to ask for the one thing I *couldn't* do?

   It was with a very heavy heart that I told him, "I'm sorry, Reeve." That was something I never wanted to say to him.

    Then I hung up, wiping the trickle of a tear out of my eye. Was I on duty?

    No--Reno and Rude were to take care of the reactor. I had a more important job to do.

    I rushed home as quickly as human limits allow.

    Something didn't feel right. Reeve's voice, that pathetic whimpering, and the trembling and the crying... It reminded me of--

    It reminded me of me at the Nibelheim Project.

    It also reminded me of what I would have done without Reeve...

    I threw the door open, frantic, needing to hold him, to reassure him, to make sure he's okay and not in any pain.

    As if I was capable of doing that much.

    "Reeve? REEVE!?" I let the door slam behind me, and I was greeted by hysterical choked sobs coming from the bathroom. It was such a raw sound, and it scared me. It sounded as if he had torn up his very soul and was mourning over it.

  I called him name and ran into the bathroom., heart pounding in my throat. "I told you I'd come, Reeve, I--" And I cut myself off.

    Because there was Reeve, the love of my life, and the only person I had left in the whole god damn world, standing over the sink.

    And lying carelessly in the sink, as if he had just dropped it upon hearing my voice, was a razor blade.

    My heart froze as I stared at it, the horror so consuming I could barely breathe or even manage to think. My mind started to rattle, trying to truly process this image of how close I had come to finding my beloved DEAD. "Oh, Reeve... Oh, Reeve don't tell me you were going to..."

    He cried louder, head buried in his hands. I had never seen him cry that hard. Watching him cry so painfully like that stirred up another complicated emotion and it ran into the batch I was now feeling all at once. I didn't know how to react. Reeve had nearly killed himself. If I had not walked through that door...

    I had to get out of there before I was sick. I dragged Reeve with me, slamming the door, wanting to slam that image of the razor blade in the sink right out of my mind. "Reeve," I said his name sternly, as if I were a parent, rather than his friend. "Reeve, look at me. *Look* at me." He was still crying loudly, hands covering his eyes.

    I was upset, I was nauseous, I was sad, I was scared, and most of all, I was angry, though whether I was angry at myself or him, who the hell knows.

    All I knew was that REEVE ALMOST DIED. He almost KILLED HIMSELF.

    And then where would I be?

    Reeve uncovered his face, eyes red from the crying. "What?"

    How could he look at me and say what? How COULD he?? As if he didn't fucking know. He almost killed himself!!! And he didn't think I'll react to that?!?!?!?!?!?!

    But still, no matter how angry and mixed up I was feeling, I regret my reaction.

    I reached out and slapped him.

    Reeve cried out in pain as my hand connected with his cheek. I could hit hard, and I did. Part of me needed to slap some sense into him. He promised he wouldn't leave me... He promised... And now... He promised, he promised, he promised, he PROMISED!

    He returned ready to reply, his eyes flashing, but I pressed a finger to his lips, my anger making it's way into words at last. And it all poured out at once. I hissed, "What the *fuck* do you think you're doing, trying to kill yourself? Are you out of your fucking mind? Do you know how you scared the living shit out of me, Reeve?! Do you know what I would do if you died, Reeve?! I'd go and kill myself too because I can't live without you. There is *never* a need for you to do that or even *think* that you should. I don't care what the hell you think you did. They don't just hate you and they don't just hate Midgar. They hate Shinra. They hate all of us. Stop blaming yourself for every god damn casualty. Every time you do this to yourself, you make me feel like it isn't enough for me to love you." If it was, you wouldn't have tried this. You know I love you, you know it. Just how much *do* I mean to you, Reeve? Sometimes, I really don't know... The tears begin to fall, and I put a hand to my sick stomach. "Sometimes I really don't know what you need, Reeve, and it really makes me feel helpless. I would give you anything you wanted, but I can't do that unless you tell me."  Almost anything, almost... Anything in my power... And my power seems so damn limited...  He was looking at me blankly, and then I remember what I had done to him... Physical violence? I felt ashamed. How could I let myself get out of control and harm the one thing I loved more than life itself?  "I'm sorry I hit you. I just didn't know what to do... You scared me so horribly... What if I had come two minutes too late? What would you have done?"

    "I would have done it," he said far too easily. At least he sounded shocked. But it wasn't enough... "I would have killed myself without a second thought. I didn't think about you, or the consequences. All I thought about was that explosion..." That hurt me more than it should have. It really did. As he said that I felt like every time I told him I loved him it meant nothing. That he didn't understand. Yes, gods, my love really wasn't enough for Reeve. And here I was, the idiot, thinking it would be. What was I even doing? I felt so helpless... And weak... Then again I always had been... "I deserved more than a smack across the face."

    I shook my head as an afterthought, barely hearing him. The last thing I needed to do was cause Reeve any pain of any kind, no matter what he had done. What Reeve deserved was happiness. Someone he could truly love and be loved by in return. Someone...who wasn't me.

     "I want to destroy Shinra."

    I escaped my thoughts to hear that statement, and I looked at him in shock. Was my mind playing tricks on me or... "What?"

    He moved forward, taking me by the shoulders. I relaxed under his fingers. "I want to destroy, Shinra, Tseng. That would make me the happiest man in the world if I can just see it destroyed." Oh my god. He said it. He outright said it. Reeve was like them. He *was*. And I didn't fucking blame him-- Those god damn gorgeous eyes met mine, for a moment the world fell out completely as he stared at me, asking,  "Won't you help me? Please?"

    "I... I..." Those eyes. That brilliant green. If I forgot my memory and could  remember only one thing for the rest of my life it would have to be those eyes. His question hung in the air. That was what he wanted from me. The one thing that could really help him.

    The one fucking god damn thing in the whole fucking god damn world I couldn't do for him.

    My heart clenched, spasming. It last only a fraction of a second, but it seemed so long to me. I wanted to cry. I had never been able to help anyone, ever. I couldn't help my family survive the fire. I couldn't help Bryatt escape. I couldn't help Sephiroth realize he had something to live for. I couldn't help Ben make his life complete. I couldn't do anything for anyone but Shinra. Not even for Reeve. And I loved him. I didn't love Shinra. I was brainwashed by it.

    "No. I cannot."  Those were some of the hardest words I had ever had to say in my life. Words cannot properly convey the feeling of what it felt like to turn down the one thing I knew would help him. After wanting to help him so badly I... I couldn't do a thing. It hurt me so badly I couldn't even summon a tear. "That is the one thing I cannot do for you, Reeve."

    The look on his face scared me. It was a hard look that said 'I hate you'. "Very well. Just don't try to stop me."

    I hate you for being a Turk, the look said

    I hate myself...

    "I wouldn't dare." I answered softly, hanging my head. All I could do, was ignore him.

    And as he left the room, I did just that.

    The house was empty, even with all his stuff still there. I barely recognized my own apartment. It had been so long since I lived alone. It had been so long since I slept alone. That had always been something I had a problem with. I just couldn't do it.

    Weak.

    But really, I had never felt so utterly lonely in my whole life. Not even when I was living on the street without a roof over my head or a scrap of food in my stomach. Even then, I didn't feel as abandoned as this.

    Because at least then my family was *dead*. They hadn't just left me.

    I was hurt, obviously, by Reeve's choice to avoid me. But I made no attempt to smooth things over between us. If he was happier this way, fine.

    I just wanted him to be happy.

    I knew I would never be.

    I'm sorry, Bryatt.

    At work it was all AVALANCHE. And when it wasn't AVALANCHE, it was the Ancients and the Promised land. I knew we would have to go after Aeris soon--and I didn't like it.

    But of course, I said nothing. I waited for orders, and followed them. That was my life.

    At night I sat alone in bed, idly turning my ring on my finger and thinking of all the people I had ever held dear and loved and lost. I thought of the way my father used to tousle my hair, of how my mother used to hug me. Of the way Leven used to tease me, and how Cari used to stick up for me. Were they upset with me now? I thought of how Sephiroth used to joke with me, his magnificent green eyes glittering, or how Ben would hold my hand and kiss my forehead. Or how Bryatt used to embrace me, and kiss me, and love me.

    I missed that the most.

    I had always felt funny about reading his journal. I always decided that that was a portion of his life that should remain closed to me.

    But Bryatt never would have never hidden anything from me.

    Especially when I was hurting as badly as I was.

    I sat in bed, holding it on my lap, running my hand over the hard cover. My heart was racing. To me, this was practically a sacred text. I could remember him sitting up and bed, scribbling in it at night, me curled at his side. I was so small then. I really had come a long way. And him, well, he had been so handsome then. I could only imagine how beautiful he would have become.

    "Bryatt?" I looked up from where my head lay besides his hip. He had the journal spread open on his lap, pen in hand. He paused when I spoke to him.

    "What, love?" He turned and looked at me, smiling gently.

    A tear hit the back of my hand, and I snapped out of my daze. I had to open this book.

    I did, and randomly. The entry was dated a few days after my fifteenth birthday, and, taking a shaky breath, I looked down and began to read.

    Dear Journel. I'm trying to decide what's more beautiful. Tseng before I make love to him, Tseng while I'm making love to him, or Tseng after I make love to him. I can't make up my mind. He's always able to take my breath away. I've really never felt this way about anyone, *ever*. And I never will again. And I just hope I always have a place in his heart. That's all I really need to be happy... Just to know he'll always care about me, and I think of me with a smile. I just want to mean something to him. But I think... Yes. I look down at him now, and he's sleeping, that lovely black hair falling over his eyes, and I'm thinking that yes, I do mean *something* him. ...And now I'm so happy I can hardly breathe.

    My eyes became so clouded with tears that I could hardly see.

    I had to turn the page.

  Dear Journal. I've been thinking. When I 'grow up' so to speak, I'm going to be a novelist. I want to try and get my work published. It would mean so much to me if I could. That's all I've really wanted to ever do, besides find my true love. Well, I've already done that... Speaking of Tseng, I wonder what he will be when he gets older. He hasn't been fully educated, but neither have I. He reads plenty. He could be a writer himself. I know he does write a little now... I've run across some of the stuff he's written, and I was impressed! I hope he won't be mad if he finds out I saw it, but I wish he would share what he's written with me. He really is talented... Maybe we could even write something together someday.

    The tears that had gathered in my eyes escaped, and I dropped the book, forcing it closed. I couldn't read anymore. Instead I placed it aside and lay back, not even letting myself think. I didn't want anymore pain, and I knew if I thought about Bryatt, that's all that would come to me.

    I grew tired, and, exhausted, I fell into a dreamless sleep.

    I felt wetness on my skin. It was the soothing feeling of lips and tongue. I became aware, waking slowly, as a pair of lips claimed my own. It was a kiss I was familiar with, and, with a weak moan, my arms instinctively wound around his neck.

    Reeve had come back to me.

    As we parted, I opened my eyes, my heart swelling with the sight of him. "What a nice way to be woken up," I told him, a smile coming to my face for the first time since he had gone. He had taken my hand and I was so relieved. Sighing, I ran my fingers over his ring--still there, thank god--and said, "Welcome home, Reeve."

    "I'm sorry," he whispered, gazing back into my eyes.

    I was barely aware of his words. I was so glad of his presence. I had every reason to be smiling as I touched him, letting my hand glide over his back. "Mm... For what?" My depression had fled momentarily. Talking helped. Just having him back with me helped more. "For not being able to do the *one* thing you want from me? I'm the one who should be sorry. And it kills me inside, Reeve. So *I'm* sorry." Had I ever been anything but completely honest with him? Could I ever be anything but? Every cell of my being was sorry I could not have been more so.

    He took me by the shoulders, eyes never leaving mine. God, I loved that deep green. It brought me such a comfort. "Listen. I don't care about that. All I care about is that you're here, and you'll hold me, as long as I want you to."

    I echoed the words, confirming them with all my heart. As I ran a hand through his soft black hair, I also once again confirmed my love for him.

    Reeve said nothing. He only laid against me, his body against mine, the familiar weight bringing my every nerve alive.

    Reeve was mine again.

    But for how long?

    I ignored that question. I didn't care about the future. I had my Reeve now.

    "Ah, Reeve...." I sighed, inhaling his clean scent.

    "Tseng?" he asked softly.

    "Yes?"

    He hesitated a moment before he asked, "Will you... Will you make love to me?" And he pulled away, looking at me.

    Would I?! "Whatever you want from me." I pulled him close, kissing him once again.

    I stripped him first, before I allowed my own clothes to be shed. We struggled to remain attached at the mouth. Our lips only parted when it was completely necessary. God, it was good to have Reeve back.

    Once we were nude, we rubbed up against one another, still kissing almost frantically.

    Now...how shall I put this without becoming overly graphic?

    He almost entered me.

    Reeve was RIGHT THERE! A push forward and I could have died entirely fulfilled. He had never even come this close to fucking me, but once he was there, right THERE my heart leapt, my voice cried out. I wrapped my legs tightly around his waist, trying to urge him forward.

    "Oh god, Reeve! Please!"

    He didn't move.

    "Please! Please! I love you!"

    Still nothing. My eyes were closed, but I could feel his panting on my lips.

    "Please..." I whispered, desperate. My heart was pounding in my chest. One small push... "Please, Reeve, I..."

    But he moved away, shifting so he was away. His face fell against my neck, and were those...tears I felt?

    "I'm sorry," he whispered. The tone of his voice told me that yes, those were tears. I had made Reeve cry. "I can't do it."

    I felt awful for trying to force him into anything. Frowning, I opened my eyes, gently releasing him and shifting so that he was on his back. I caressed his face. "I love you," I told him. "I don't care."

    "Yes you do," he said.

    Not enough. I only wanted him. And I told him so.

    With another gentle kiss, he assured me everything was understood.

    I made love to him, and he clung to me.

    Afterwards I stayed within him, sharing him, for a long time.

    That was the last time Reeve and I made love before...

    Aeris was still out there.

    Secretly, I was glad.

    Reeve and I were still together, but there was little time for intimacy. He was tired, or I was tired. We held each other in sleep.

    I was...scared.

    We got called to a meeting.

    When I say 'we', I mean the Turks. We were not frequently invited to executive meetings.

    I was....very scared.

    But I was on duty now--so I wasn't.

    Reeve was there, taking the seat between me and Heidegger. They spoke briefly, but I paid no attention.

    My heart beat steadily in my chest as the President entered.

    He was *not* happy.

    I felt nothing.

    And the room was silent as he took his position at the head of the table.

    "As you know," he began, "the number one reactor has been destroyed. Our sources have confirmed that this was the work of AVALANCHE, a terrorist group based in the Sector Seven slums."

   Scarlet made a comment, but I was very good at tuning that bitch out.

  "They'll probably strike again.," Heidegger put in. His voice, like the President's, was one I could *never* ignore. "We have to find a way to stop them before that happens."

    "I have decided on a way." He smiled. Later I would find it unsettling. Now I found it unaffecting in either respect. "We are going to blow up the Sector Seven support pillar."

   That affected me somewhat, despite what I had been taught. I looked at Reeve, somewhat--at the time--saddened over the pain he was feeling.

    Later, I would cry.

    "What?" my love hissed.

    The President laughed. That unsettled me--a little. "I'm sorry, Reeve, but it seems we will be crushing one of your precious sectors."

   He quite obviously was not the least bit sorry.

    "Sir, I think you should think this through. By crushing the support you will kill innocent people--"

    But Shinra only waved an unconcerning hand at Reeve's restraint of anger. "There's no point in debating it, Reeve. I just holding this meeting to inform all of you, not to ask you your opinion."

    I could feel Reeve's pain from where he was seated.

    I clenched my fist.

    "Heidegger and I will discuss the details." As soon as the words left the President's lips, I knew who would be blowing up the pillar.

    Us.

    Me.

     With some parting words, he and Heidegger left.

    I was dismissed.

    Instantly a surge of pain hit me, as Reeve hung his head, mumbling a dismayed curse.

    "Reeve..." I leaned towards him, whispering,  "I--"

    "Tseng..." Hojo's interrupted from across the room before I could tell Reeve I loved him. I hated to hear him speak my name. It always sent a chill spiraling down my spine. "I have another job for you."

    Instantly, I knew it would involve Aeris. I trembled, but had to abandon the one I loved to go to him.

    He stood much too close to me, so close that I could feel his wet, heavy breath on my face. I cringed. It was horrible. I barely exhaled a breath myself. I didn't move.

    "I need Aeris." His voice was as slimy as his appearance. "This isn't a game. I need that girl."

    "Yes, sir," I answered dutifully.

    I was scared.

    "You pretty thing," he whispered, a tongue darting out to glide over his lips. "You come through for me, and you won't regret it."

    "Yes, sir."

      "I need that girl," he repeated, reaching out to run a hand over my cheek. I held very still, the fear building in my throat. Have I failed to mention that ever since Sephiroth left this world, he had been preying on me again. He would touch me inappropriately and often. I said nothing of it. It was useless anyway. "You understand, boy?"

    "Yes, sir," I said yet again, hoping the conversation was over.  "I understand perfectly."  I could feel myself tremble.

  WEAK!

    "Very good..." He not too subtlety looked me over before finally, and thankfully, leaving.

    Reeve got up, looking at me. I wondered how much of that he had seen. "Tseng."

    The bitch spoke up. She wanted to talk to Reeve.

    "A minute," he snapped at her. He came to me and I was so glad. "What was *that* about?"

    "Nothing. Just some old business I've yet to finish." My voice was still shaking. Dammit.

    WEAK!

    God, I know...

    "Tseng, I--"

    "I won't be in tonight," I didn't want to hear what he had to say. Suddenly there was a lot on my mind. I took his hand, unaware of who was around. I didn't care. "Will you be all right?"

   "I'll be all right," he assured me.

    I believed him.

     "We'll talk, Reeve." After I think... I rubbed our rings together. God, I loved that simple bond between us. It will be all right."

    I don't know if he believed me, but he nodded anyway. "Take care of yourself."

    Scarlet was staring at me. I hated it. So, with a simple squeeze of his hand, I left with Reno and Rude.

    I spent the night in my office.

    When the official shit had been put aside, I sat on the floor against the desk, facing the window. At my side was an open bottle of wine. I wa a little drunk.

    I had been thinking more and more about that close call with Reeve in bed. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt about my pathetic begging. For the way I tried to force him.

    Face it, Tseng. He *doesn't* love you.

    And it wasn't until then that I realized how Bryatt had felt. Why he refused to make love to me.

    He was protecting me.

    That was always what Bryatt was trying to do. Protect me. I yelled at him for it. I had been convinced I could take care of myself.

    How wrong I had been.

    Even living on the street all those years had not hardened me completely. Neither had being a Turk.

    In many ways, I needed protecting.

    But Bryatt was gone.

    I had someone of my own to protect now.

    And Reeve needed it.

    And I was doing such a poor job of it.

    I really wasn't giving him everything I could have...

    But in some ways, I was giving...more then I should.

    What right had I to expect intimacy from someone who didn't love me? Forcing it... Well, I wasn't quite forcing anything at all. But if Bryatt had taught me anything... If pointless sex had taught me anything...

    Sex between unequal partners had no good consequences.

    I had to protect Reeve.

    And that meant no more...

    I sighed, falling onto my back, drunk. I was drunk. And I stared out at the dark sky, a hint of a smile on my lips.

    Then I started laughing, hard. And I didn't stop until I had tears of hysteria running down my cheeks.

    There was very little about myself I could look at and say 'I'm proud of that'.

    There was very little not to hate about myself.

    But I knew I was doing the right thing...

    On the other hand, I was doing many wrong things.

    Sector seven...was a thing of the past, a page in history. Innocent people, dead. Aeris was in my custody. I snatched her right from her own house and slapped her for good measure. I lost my temper and--snapped. Hell, Turk Tseng was violent. She insulted me, hurt me. I couldn't deal with any of her protesting--she didn't know what would happen to me if I let her escape again.

    But I felt terrible. I had lost a friend.

    So many things happened... I barely had a moment to breath, never mind a moment to see Reeve.

    Shinra was in turmoil.

    AVALANCHE, yes, of course, that pesky terrorist group consisting of every misfit from Midgar to Wutai. And that robot Cait Sith Reeve was using against-- But there's something else--something much more worth mentioning. Several something's actually.

    Firstly, I should mention Elena. She was the first female Turk that anyone could remember. She came to be promoted after poor Reno sustained several serious injuries fighting on top of the Sector seven pillar. Elena was a bright girl. Pretty, I suppose. Too much of a mouth on her, though. She had trouble keeping things to herself, which got on my nerves. Also, she quite obviously found something attractive about me. She had a crush on me, I could tell. Her eyes, along with the casual touching and frequent blushing whenever I would praise her, gave that away.  I found it amazing there was someone in Shinra who didn't know I was gay. I didn't tell her I was. Actually, I sort of enjoyed the attention now that I was away so often.

    Out of nowhere, and completely unexpectedly, the President died. Yes, that's right. The President of Shinra was dead. At the time things were more hectic then I ever remember. AVALANCHE had infiltrated the building, searching for Aeris. We had them contained for awhile...

    Sephiroth killed the President.

    I have to admit that the death of President Shinra affected me in no way whatsoever. What mattered to me was that Sephiroth--who had meant so much to me--was back. ...Only he was quite mad and racing ahead of Shinra for the Promised land. Oh, Sephiroth... He wasn't really back--no. Was he dead? No. I could imagine the pain he was in.... What was going through his head? I ended up in tears when I thought about it too much. Personally, I was so mixed up that trying to figure it out made me only more confused. I resolved to deal with the problem professionally only.

    But oh...my poor friend...

    Rufus Shinra is a name I haven't mentioned all that often. He is someone who I did not frequently get to meet. Rufus, the Jenova-fused son of the President, was hated and sent away to school. I had only met him a few times, but he had always seemed a nice enough, if isolated, young man.

    But now--now that his father was dead and he was President--he was dead inside. Cold. Just like I was supposed to be. He would have made an excellent Turk. But he was President now--

    --And I don't know why exactly, maybe because of all his pent up anger he quite obviously had stored, but I feared him.

    I mentioned not being home much, and I wasn't. I was away, chasing after AVALANCHE, chasing after Sephiroth. Through the mines and onto Rufus' "inaugural" parade in Junon. There I should mention I received a good look over and a wink from a younger soldier. That sent a blush to my cheeks. It was something I needed a touch of humanity after I had spent so long in the Turk shell. I had never realized how miserable I was as nothing--as Shinra scum--until I spent days trapped in it. Between Sephiroth and Rufus and all the suffering I was seeing as I traveled--along with the suffering in myself--I was...exhausted.

    By the time we reached Gongaga--where Rude and Reno fought AVALANCHE *again*, I was... I was... I was just so tired I wanted to lay down with my own thoughts for a moment.

    And I wanted Reeve.

    His remote control spy, Cait Sith, was doing more against Shinra in a very subtle way then he was doing for it.  no one noticed it, however. No one but me.

    Reeve was supposed to help us get the key to the temple of the Ancients, but I couldn't be sure whether or not he would.

    Honestly? I....didn't...really...care...

    My lingering worry was that he was still angry over my....decision.

    I felt more out of touch with myself then ever before, so I started to keep a journal, just as Bryatt used to. It helped a lot of jot down a few thoughts.

    But oh--a light at the end of the tunnel after Gongaga. We all got some vacation. Bless Rufus for that. Reno, Rude and Elena decided on going to Wutai. I was slightly tempted to join them. After all, I hadn't been there since I was a child--surprise--and it would give me a chance to see Ben.

    But no. I knew where I needed to go. *Home*. Back to Midgar. Back to my own apartment. And back to Reeve.

    The return trip felt like days. First I had to go to Costa del Sol where I then took a boat to Junon where I waited for a helicopter. The wait would be several hours, so I passed the time at a local bar Elena, Reno and I had visited back during the parade. I drank only water, knowing better. Giving me alcohol now would have been a bad idea. It had been awhile since I had my hands on any, and part of me was just itching to get drunk.

    "Hey."

    The greeting was of a seductive connotation, and was quite obviously male. Otherwise I wouldn't have turned around.

    He was cute, and he looked even cuter leaning casually against the bar like he was. The Shinra soldier who had spoken to me was fair, with light red hair and light brown eyes. From the way he was looking at me, there was no denying that he was trying to pick me up.

    I liked being hit on. I smiled back. "Hello."

    "You're Tseng of the Turks, aren't you?"

    "I am," I assured him, nodding.

    "I thought so." He leaned further on the bar, still grinning. "God, you really are as beautiful as they say."

    Who says? Who?!--Yes those thoughts flashed through my head, proving once more how part of me had never grown up. "Why thank you, Private."

    "Brian," he told me. "My name's Brian."

    As he said so, I recognized him as the soldier who had winked at me on my last visit here. He must have been stationed in the city. "Nice to meet you."

    "I've heard you were nice, well--" he stopped himself and wet his lips before adding, "Well, I've heard a lot about you."

    "I'm sure you have." I wasn't surprised.

    "Will you be in Junon long?" The hopefulness was practically overwhelming in his voice.

    I found myself wondering how old he was. 20? 21? "Not long. I have to take a helicopter to Midgar in an hour or so." I stopped before adding as an afterthought, "To see my boyfriend." ...substitute.

    "Oh." He seemed disappointed, but there was no sense in leading on the poor kid.

    Kid--ugh! How old was I!?!?

    ...How old did I feel?

    "Well, I'm not surprised you have a boyfriend," he said finally, shrugging it off. "But, hey-- if you're in Junon again soon, maybe we could hang out?" He gave me a hopeful, almost child like look.

    I smiled, tilting my glass to my lips. "Sure."

    That was the first smile that crossed my lips in days. More days then I could remember.

  Dear Journal,

    I wonder how many other people find Reeve as attractive as I do. How much of my unbelievable attraction to him has to do with love?

    I came home, exhausted. It was very late, and most of my thoughts involved crawling into bed and having the first good night's rest in days.

    Despite my exhaustion, I hurried to the bedroom to see if he was there-- and I could rest even easier.

    He was.

    And he looked so peaceful, so at east, lying there his dark hair fanned across the pillow. There he was. My Reeve.

    I really thought he was.

    And he was so beautiful I wanted to cry.

    I put a hand to my heart and sighed, so glad to be home. Then my exhaustion took over again, and I longed to join Reeve.

    So I sat down to take off my shoes, glad to be rid of them.

    "Tseng... What time is it?"

     I jumped a little. Reeve! Awake! That lovely baritone... I turned, looking at him. Beautiful. "Oh, I'm sorry I woke you, I didn't mean it."  I turned back, taking my shoes off.

    "Tseng, are you mad at me?" he  crawled over to sit besides me. I was so comforted by his presence.

    Me? Mad at him? I don't think I ever could be-- "What?" I looked at him, shocked. He really thought *I* was? "No, Reeve. I'm not mad at you at all. Why should I be? If anyone should be, it's you." For a moment I was worried he *was* mad--

    "I'm not." His words were as comforting as the touch of his hand on my shoulder. "You've just been acting so weird lately." I know... I'm sorry. Things change. He squeezed my shoulder, I sighed inwardly.  "If something's wrong, I want to know."

    Oh, god, the pure tenderness in those words, in that touch... I took his hand in mine and brought it to my lips, kissing it His hand was so warm... I didn't want to let it go. "Reeve..." he whispered, making the other man's nerves tingle. "It's this crazy world. Everything's getting all fucked up." With a heavy heart I dropped his hand and laid down. It felt so comforting to finally rest at last. If Reeve wanted to talk about all the fucked up shit I had to deal with, then we'd talk. I wouldn't deny him anything. "With Rufus becoming President and all this shit with Sephiroth..." Saying that very name pained me now, and I shut my heavy eye lids, sighing. "It doesn't feel right somehow. So many things..." Just feel *off*. But I trailed off instead.

    I felt a hand begin to stroke my hair. Oh... Thank you, Reeve...

    He asked, "How was Gongaga?"

    "Terrible," I answered right away. I hated that town--what a disaster. It made me feel terrible. "They sent me with Scarlet, and she went on about how great her and her damn weapons department is. " Let me once again mention that I hate that bitch. "Took her time bashing Heidegger too." Another one of my least favorite people. "In some ways I don't blame her, but she's one to talk, heartless bitch that she is."

   His finger trailed down my face.  I shuddered, loving it. "Did you see Cloud?"

    "No, but Reno and Rude did. They fought, but they didn't come away too injured this time." Thank goodness... If they were hurt beyond repair or... or dead...

    "And Elena?"

    "She's eager. Talks too much, but she'll make a good Turk." I had to smile then, because I thought Reeve should know-- "I think she has a crush on me."

    He grinned, I could hear it, and said, "who can blame her?"

    My heart swelled at those words. How could he know *just* what to say? It made my heart beat faster. And he knew just how to touch me...  His fingers were tracing my jaw now and it was coming to the point where he was driving me insane with need...

    "Have you spoken to Rufus?"

    A difficult subject. "How people change. It's as if that kid Reno and Rude used to torture never existed inside him at all. Something happened to him. He's been left in the cold too long." I was actually worried about him.

    "I have to see him this week." His fingers brushed over my lips, and I couldn't take the tender, teasing touches anymore. "What's next for you?"

    A kiss? Please? "The key, whenever that should turn up." I sighed, hoping... Those lips--I-- "Kiss me, Reeve. If you want to."

    And he did. With no hesitation, at all, he kissed me, and damn completely too. I moaned, so glad to feel him that words escape me. I had to draw him close, my arms going around his neck as we sadly drew apart. I spoke then, telling him the truth.   "I've wanted that. Wanted it so badly. I've missed you." Like I'd miss air...

    "Missed you too." And he let me feel his lips again--heaven...  "You must be exhausted."

    I had forgotten until he mentioned it. "Tired enough to fall asleep in your arms forever." I was bordering on collapsing from fatigue. Finally I let my eyes open, meeting his--gorgeous. God--

    He was free.

    Free! I could see it. He wasn't scared, scared like I was. He was free--he could go against them.

    Like I wish I--

    "Oh, Reeve, I envy you."

    "You're tired," He spoke quickly, helping me sit up and then sliding my jacket off my shoulders. My shirt was next-- I had already dumped the tie-- and he undid the buttons, unconsciously pressing touches to my skin as he discarded that as well. "You need rest."

    "I'm not delirious," he pressed me back against the pillows. I never took my eyes off him. "You know why I envy you." And he did. I knew he did. I knew Reeve.

    He kissed my forehead and I savored that, words escaping me completely now. I was too tired... There was only one thing more I needed him to hear. "Sleep now," he told me.  "I'll hold you." And he was true to his word. He fitted us together, and we laid how we had for so many years...

    "Reeve..." I yawned, pressing closely to his chest for warmth...and comfort... I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, but he had to know-- I had too much-- I knew I had to savor every moment... "I love you so much my heart could break."

  And before I fell asleep, I felt him press his cheek against my head, sighing my name.

    I was home.

    "Tseng, I need you. Please let me..."

    "No... No... I love you, but I just don't feel--oh...*god*--"

    I was having the same negative feelings about sex that I had had when I left, but Reeve was having no qualms about feeling me up.

    My pathetic attempts at fighting him off were doing little good, and I found myself in a very defenseless position, with his hand down my pants. This was *not* the morning I had had in mind.

    "I have you," he whispered in my ear. I could only moan in response, giving up for the time being. "I've missed you. I've missed you so much."

    I hope he didn't  just miss the sex.

    I was very far gone, knowing there was nothing to stop my impending...release, shall we say and I wasn't sure if I really wanted to stop it-- well, okay. My body was all go, and my mind was about 85% 'let him'.

    Then the PHS rang.

    I jumped pushing him away. "Reeve! My PHS! I'd better get it."

    He was annoyed as I ran to get it, abandoning him completely.

    "Hello?"

    "If you are not alone, make sure you are--and do not speak a word until you are."

    I froze, recognizing that voice immediately. His tone was so thoroughly intimidating that I had to comply. Giving Reeve a wave of my hand I zipped my pants back up and stepped outside the apartment.

    "All right, I'm alone, Hojo." I kept my own voice dark, trying to sound completely unfazed despite my rapid heartbeat. "What do you want?"

    "I don't want my position back, if that's what you're wondering." His chuckle was creepy. Hojo had resigned, much to everyone's relief. Well, maybe not everyone, but me at least. "But that doesn't mean I won't help Rufus protect Shinra's interests."

    I frowned, not understanding his intent. "What are you getting at, Hojo?"

    "Tell me, Tseng..." And as his voice trailed off in that moment, I was filled with dread. My knuckles were already white as I griped the PHS. "How much do you really love Reeve?"

    My jaw clenched as hard as my hand did. As far as I was concerned, you could fuck with me all you wanted, but never NEVER bother Reeve. "What of it?" I snapped, expecting the worst. "Don't fuck with him, Hojo. I'm warning you."

    "No, I'll leave that to you, pretty thing," he quirked, bringing a glare he couldn't see to my face. "But I do think Rufus would be interested in knowing his own executive is using his own spy against the company."

    I froze. How could he...? "Don't you dare make up anything--"

    "Make up?" He laughed at me, and I wanted to cry. "No, my dear. We both know I'm making up nothing. I *do* think Rufus will be interested--"

    "NO!" I interrupted him, my fist beginning to shake. If Rufus found out, he wouldn't fail to believe Hojo. The least he could do was fire Reeve--ruining all he was working for (god let him succeed) or worse, he could--

    I didn't trust Rufus lately.

    And there was nothing in the world worse than losing Reeve. I couldn't even imagine it.

    "No," I repeated, shutting my eyes and gulping for breath. Protect Reeve, no matter the cost. "No, don't. I'll do whatever you want, just...just promise you won't hurt him."

    I could hear the creep licking his lips before he replied, "Excellent, Tseng. There shouldn't be any problems then. Not for you or your precious Reeve anyway. Meet me outside the Honeybee Inn. Come alone, and tell no one."

    Softly I agreed, then hung up, feeling dead.

    I must have looked dead when I came back in, because Reeve gave me a startled look and came to my side.

    "What's wrong? Who was that?" he asked, concerned. He put a hand on my shoulder, but I barely felt it.

    "Just Heidegger," I replied with about as much life as I felt. I'll do anything to protect you, Reeve...my darling.

    "Are you okay?" Leaning closer, he brushed his lips against my ear and asked, "Want me to finish what I started?"

    I pushed him away. I had to. He looked annoyed, but if he only knew...

    The very notion of sex right now made me want to puke.

    I went to wash up for later.

    "At least tell me how you knew," I told him, shivering as his hands wandered under my shirt and brushed my skin. His touch was light and grazing, and his fingers felt slimy.

    "Your beauty is incredible," he mumbled, dotting kisses on my collarbone. "Oh, that. As if it wasn't obvious. Reeve, please. He's been shaky for years." His hands moved, and the buttons of my shirt parted under his swift fingers.

    My breathing picked up. I gasped as the shirt hit the floor and he touched me, saying nothing.

    "I can see what you see in him, Tseng. Very clearly..." He dotted more kisses across my chest, sucking lightly. "But you've not much in common with his passion do you?" he chuckled then, striking and reaching between my legs without a warning. I gasped lightly, wincing to the side as he looked me in the eyes. "You would never go against the Shinra."

    "I'm not here to have a conversation," I replied weakly, my own hands clawing at the wall. I wished I didn't have to be there at all, but since I was... It was best to get it over with.

    "How much do you love him?" he asked me straight.

    "More then you can imagine. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here."

    And the conversation did stop, though not too thankfully I suppose. He went back to kissing my body, leaving my lips alone--thank god for that one shred of luck on my part. It may sound weird but, in some ways kissing seems more intimate then fucking. Of course, then again, that was just what this was---a fuck. Even if he was going to be inside my body, we still were *not* under *any* circumstances being intimate. People had to actually give a damn about one another for that to occur. And I truly hated Hojo.

    "God, you're so beautiful I can't take it," he growled, biting down on my shoulder. I yelped. It was times like this when I cursed my looks. "I can't take it." I heard him unzip his pants.

  Uh oh. I groaned inwardly, hand clenching spastically as I knew what was to come--what I was going to have to do. Sure enough, he put a hand on top of my head, pushing down firmly, a silent plea to get to my knees.

    He said it, and my insides wretched. "Suck me."

    And slowly I did kneel, and slowly I shut my eyes and licked my lips, reminding myself to pretend it was anyone else but him. And for some reason I thought of the first time I ever did this, when I did it for Bryatt because *I* wanted to do it. Not because he shoved me to my knees and forced me to. And I remembered how he had lain against the wall, shuddering in pleasure, hands tangled tightly in my hair, pulling...

    Hojo tangled his hands in my hair too, and he pulled--hard.

    The pleasant memory vanished in an instant.

    It was horrible--terrible. He forced me to do just what he wanted, nearly choking me even when I was used to doing so, and he made me swallow.

    Afterwards he dragged me back to my feet. I coughed a little, disgusted at the taste that lingered in my mouth.

    I'll do this for you, Reeve. If only this was enough, if only--

    "Turn around," he ordered.

    And I did, slowly, knowing what was coming.

    "Don't hurt me," I whimpered pathetically, bracing myself as he fumbled with my belt in his excitement.

    But my weak plea fell on deaf ears.

    Hojo has a thing against lubricant apparently, because he never uses it. Ever.

    The last time I had...done anything with him I had been being fucked roughly three times a day.

    And it hurt a lot then anyway.

    Before my encounter with him, I hadn't been fucked in roughly six years.

    I had never felt such pain in my life.

    I was sure I was bleeding, but I didn't stay around to check. I left as soon as I could, barely able to walk as I limped away, and dragged myself home.

    Truly, I prayed Reeve wouldn't be there to see me in the shape I was in. Of course, my luck was low that day, and, as I dragged my weary body into the room, there he was, in clear, plain sight of me, sitting on our bed.

    He was smoking a god damn cigarette.

    Have I mentioned Reeve smokes? Probably not. Well, he does on occasion. When he is nervous, he lights up.

    Obviously, I don't like it.

    Those things burned my fucking house down.

    And, after the afternoon *I* had had, where my.... .... was practically getting ripped apart from something I really did *not* want in there, I come home for this.

    I wasn't going to stand for it. I was in pain, and I couldn't take anymore of it.

    Just looking at that damn thing, it's tiny fire burning at the end, and thinking of my father falling asleep with one in it's hand, made me even sicker then getting on my knees before Hojo and...

    That thing had to go.

    "What's wrong with you?"

    Reeve said this to me, even managing to sound rather annoyed that I was in some kind of pain, or whatever. He continued to smoke the cigarette, pretending he didn't know of my hatred of them when he very well did.

    "Nothing." A flash of pain more terrible then I could ever remember shot up my spine and I winced, having to sit on the bed. Like that would alleviate anything. And I did sit, cursing as the pain continued. Reeve did nothing but smoke. I turned and looked at him, what little patience I had running dry very quickly. "Put it out."

    He glared at me, and *still* did nothing.

    I couldn't believe it!! How could he do this to me?! How could he sit there and glare at *me* as though *I* had done something wrong?! After what I just went through for him--giving up my body, which is pretty much all I have and letting someone *use* me and *damage* me for *him*--something I would do again and again and again for him, he gives me *this*! After all I go through for him, he doesn't even grant me sympathy. When was the last time he put himself out for me? I didn't know. Ever? And I really didn't care. I didn't care!!! I just wanted-- I just wanted--

    Didn't I just want to protect him?

    Yes, yes, but--

    "Reeve!" I slammed my palm down on the bed, losing the last shreds of patience I had.

    His response?

    Flicking ashes in my face.

    The wave of pain that shot through my body at that moment was far more painful then any physical pain caused by Hojo. I lost it--I did. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take it anymore. After all I just been through for him, all for him, I killed myself over him, I'd do anything he wanted to protect him, to please him, to make him happy--anything in my power because all I wanted in the whole entire world was--

    I wanted him to love me.

    And I screamed his name, leaping to my feet and ignoring another shot of pain as I hastily brushed the ashes out of my face. After all I'd done for him, this is how he treats me????? In this time we had apart, had he forgotten me entirely? My voice was filled with a rage that I had never in all my life used towards him. "Those fucking things burned my house down!"

    Reeve didn't make a move.

    Suddenly I didn't care what he was thinking, I felt so hurt, mentally and physically. My sudden movement had sparked a new pain and I groaned, a hand going to my back. I knew I had to get out of there, that I couldn't stand there and face him anymore without crying. Mumbling another curse, I dragged my injured self off to the bathroom.

    I needed to shut the world out. As the door slammed behind me I madly raided the medicine cabinet, grabbing for some of the sleeping pills Reeve used on occasion, and swallowing two of them. I had to escape, if only though sleep, and only for a little while. I needed rest...

    He didn't mean it... You know he didn't... He's probably had a bad day.

    I left the water running, and figuring to clean myself off before I passed out from the pills.

    "Tseng! I'm sorry I was such an asshole!" That was Reeve, knocking on the door. I sighed a little, feeling slightly better. But only slightly.

    "It's all right, Reeve. I know you didn't mean it." I undid my belt buckle and drew a deep breath, actually afraid of what state I was in. "Just give me a minute."

    "Tseng?" he called, " You all right there?"

    I stripped below the waist, examining myself the best I could. More pain. "Ow... Shit. Ugh! Yeah." He couldn't come in and see me like this... It would raise questions I just couldn't answer... Not only now, but...ever... "I'm fine." Oh, and what a lie.

     "No you're not. Tseng, let me in."

    "Just a minute," I told him.  Then I saw it: blood trickling down my inner thigh. Oh yes, he had torn me up pretty badly. No wonder I was in such pain. Trying to see better only caused more. "Ah, shit!"

    "I'm coming in!!"

    "No, Reeve!" I called desperately. He just could *not* see me like this!! What would I say? Quickly I wiped the blood away.

    "TSENG!" He was using a voice I had never heard from it. It was deep and angry. It scared me. He was pounding on the door like a mad man wanting to come in and beat his wife. "OPEN THE GOD DAMN DOOR, TSENG, OR I'LL FUCKING BREAK IT DOWN!"

    "No, *Reeve*!" I was persistent and held my ground, the pain and the stress of him yelling at me bringing tears to my eyes. Oh god, what did I ever do to deserve this life? I wasn't happy. I wasn't.

   To my horror (and amazement) Reeve kicked open the door. It was not something I ever suspected him capable of doing. As he barged in I panicked, pulling up my pants and zippering them up in a hurry.

    "Reeve! How could you!" I was crying. I couldn't help it. I was scared, and hurt. Was he going to hurt me too? Is that what he needed? Someone to smack around? Could I take that?

    He said nothing, he just backed me into the wall with the same scary look in his eye that made me wanna cry harder. Was he going to hit me? I vaguely remembered a time where I thought Sephiroth was going to hit me--

    "Don't hurt me, Reeve!" It was a plea, and I turned my head to the side, expecting to be hit. I would take it. I would take it if he wanted me to.

  WEAK!

    He grabbed me and shook me. I tried to stay limp and still. "I would never hurt you." His voice didn't sound kind in the least, but I trembled a little anyway. What had I been thinking? Reeve would never *ever* raise a hand to me...as...as I had done to him. "Never. And if you thought I was going to, you should have kicked my sorry ass. What's gotten into you, Tseng? You should have hit me, Tseng. You *should* have. You're strong, god dammit. You don't have to have to slink away and act all weak like this! Why don't you fucking stand up for yourself?"

    "Oh yeah?" I could see Bryatt glaring at me even now. "Then why are you so weak? Why do you put up with things you don't have to?"

    A single tear slipped from my otherwise dry eye. Why was I so weak? Tseng, the head Turk, the one everyone feared the most...the one who couldn't even stand up for himself. Maybe I would never know. But I knew one thing.  "Because..." I told him, my voice only moments from losing it entirely. "Because I will never hurt you, Reeve. Not ever again. And I won't let any harm come to you." And I cried. It was the truth. I would sooner be bruised and battered beyond repair then see Reeve in any pain. No, I could take the pain, but I couldn't take his. So there I was, weeping and declaring with every beat of my heart, "Not for any price!"

    "What happened to you?" His voice was soft again. I gulped for air, panicking as his hand drifted to my back and headed down.... "What did you let happen?"

    Even his light touch hurt and made my muscles spasm in pain. As a reflex I closed my eyes and winced, still feeling Hojo all over me... He couldn't know... "Oh, don't, Reeve..."

    He pressed his finger right where he had touched it to bring me pleasure so many times before. Only now it brought me only another spasm of severe pain. My reaction was to grip his shoulders and hiss, trying to fight it off.

    "What the..." He saw my neck next, and I was unable to stop his eyes from taking in the red marks Hojo had marked me with. I felt ashamed. Reeve gasped in shock. "Aw, shit."

    "It's not what you think!" As if I could lie. But I pushed him away and went into the corner, facing it. How ashamed I was. What a whore. Was that all anyone ever wanted of me? Didn't I have anything else to offer anyone? What was it that Bryatt saw in me? Or Ben? Sephiroth saw something more than a pretty face, didn't he? And Reeve, well, Reeve did, but why? What was there?

   "Oh no?" He trapped me, a hand on either side of me, pressed against the wall. I wasn't getting out of this... "Let it out."

    "Don't make me, Reeve."

    "Who raped you?"

    "No one." I squeezed my eyes shut. It wasn't a rape....

    "You're lying."

    I turned, tell him, "No one raped me. I wanted it." I *had* to want it. For you.

    "Your eyes tell me differently."

    What could I say to get him to leave me alone? I tried to step for him, to hold him, to--anything, but a wave of pain stopped me, and all I got out was his name as I tripped forward. He caught me and held me, exclaiming something in French that I only half heard. The sleeping pills were beginning to take affect, and I could no longer stay awake.

    "I took a sleeping pill," my voice was failing me now, the pills working faster in Reeve's comforting embrace.  So much needed to be slept away. "I think I'm gonna pass out...."

    And god--thank you.

    I did.

    I was touched, forgetting every negative feeling I had ever had towards him. I didn't regret a thing. "Hi."

    "Hi," he replied, bringing a small smile to my lips with his rich baritone. "How do you feel?"

    Good. Relaxed. Safe. "Fine."

    He sighed lightly and bent down to kiss my forehead. I was a little surprised by this sudden display of affection, and even more caught off guard as he suddenly wrapped his arms around me and drew me close to him, resting his head on my shoulder.

    And for a long time we just held each other. He didn't even say a word.

    After what seemed like an hour he drew back slightly, delicately cupping my chin in his hand as he brought our eyes together. "I have to go," he murmured, and he kissed me gently.

    Silently I watched him dress, and we exchanged not a word before he left me alone.

    And little did I know, that as that door shut behind him, Reeve closed the most important chapter of my life.

    ...Who knows what I would have done instead.

    Come to my apartment as soon as you can, he said.

    This didn't seem strange to me. On and off for the last several years we had been using Reeve's apartment. We would stay there a few days before returning to mine. He had always held onto it, waiting for...

    I went over, using my key to unlock the door. I was a little alarmed to see Reeve pacing before the door, and apparently he was shocked to see me too, because my entrance made him jump a mile.

    Sure, he was a pretty nervous person, but all I did was come in the room.

    Suddenly something didn't feel right.

    "What's the matter, Reeve?" I threw my keys onto the table nearby and faced him. "Is something the matter?"

    "Uh.... Yeah. Tseng...I... I think we need to talk."

    His obvious uneasiness made me wary and uncomfortable. I wasn't sure if I was curious or scared. "Oh? What is it?"

    "Aahhh...." He hesitated and made a show of avoiding eye contact with me as he put his hands together. My heart beat dully in my chest as the panic began to rise. The he said,  "Oh, Tseng, I... I have some... Some bad news."

    I immediately assumed the words. He's dying. He was fired--what? Did Hojo tell? Inside I was having a freak out of gigantic proportions already, but on the outside I was calmly insistent as I said,  "What bad news, Reeve? Something is the matter, isn't it?" I tried to look at him--but he just wouldn't.

    Then Reeve, the only person I could ever love, said the words I never, ever wanted to hear.

    "Tseng, I--I.... What I'm trying to say is, you... you can't sleep here anymore."

    I died.

    He babbled on, breaking me down, killing me with every syllable. "There's someone else..."

    Someone else.

    There it was.

    For six years, in the back of my mind, those were the two words I never wanted to hear Reeve put together. They were the two words I was supposed to be expecting, but I never could accept that.

    "A woman?" The life had been drained from me now, as the emotion was so intense that I felt nothing at all but a dull pressure in my chest. Now it was *I* who found I could not look at him. And it was apparent as to why he couldn't meet my eyes before.

    "Yes... It is a woman. Her name is Bria."

    Like I cared. Where did he meet her? What did he see in her? Was she beautiful? I'm sure he found her far more attractive then he found me. Had he made love to her yet? Did he make love to her and then come home and have sex with me? Oh god, oh god that thought hurt. I started to grow a little dizzy. "Oh." ...I was surprised I could manage any words at all.

    "Look, Tseng, you're still my best friend," were his comforting words.

    He said so, but I knew that things between us would never be the same again. They couldn't be. Not after all we had been through together. Not when I had spent six years of my life doing anything he wanted, offering my very self in exchange for his well being. He would hate that I did that. He wouldn't want it.

    But I would do it again.

    And now, here I was, the silly fool who had secretly clung to the hope that the man he adored so would actually fall in love with him.

    As if that ever worked for anyone.

    I sighed something as an afterthought. I don't even remember what it was. I wanted so badly to shut out all the pain...

    "...You should have known this day would come. I'm not like that."

    Why did he have to say that?? Why?? Why did he have to remind me? Everything I had been trying to forget was brought before me again, and there was no denying it. He was right. He was. I should have, but I didn't. I wasn't like that, but I had pretended he was. "I--I know." I could only whisper the words, my voice being useless to me now. I even had to hang my head, ashamed as always.

    "I don't regret a second we spent together, Tseng. Honestly."

    And I believed him.

    Reeve wouldn't lie to me about that.

    Thank you for that, Reeve.

    "Me neither." Oh no. Not a moment. And I will remember it all, and remember it like I remember Bryatt or Ben or Sephiroth--with fondness and sadness. You're not dead or gone away, but, I've lost again anyway.

    Lost the most important thing I ever could.

    I started to cry.

    "Oh no, Tseng," he actually begged, coming to me. "Don't cry."

    Did he expect me *not* to?

    "I'm sorry, Reeve," I apologized, feeling even more ashamed at my display. What was there to say now?  Beg forgiveness? It seemed the only thing I could do, for all the things I must have done... "Gods, whatever I ever did to you... I'm sorry."

    "It's not you!" And with his explanation he reached out and grabbed me by the shoulders. "It it's not you! It's me. I had to make a choice. You knew this was coming! You knew it!"

    "I know, Reeve." Stop yelling! I know! I kept wiping at my eyes. "I knew it. I just can't help it."

    If only I could...

    Reeve had tears in his eyes--real tears. Oh god, was he really that sad about this? "I'm sorry, Tseng. So sorry. I love you."

    ....Not enough.

    But thank you anyway, Reeve.

     "You know I do." Oh, god... Yes... Yes, I do...  "You know I always will." Oh gods...thank you, Reeve. "And I don't want you to go out of your way for me anymore." ...Could he possibly know? "I don't deserve it."

    I couldn't even believe he could say that.

    In fact I couldn't think of a thing in the world he didn't deserve.

    "I have to," I told him.  "I have to protect you." I have to make sure you're okay, because I love you so much. It's just natural. It's part of who I am. Thank you, Bryatt. I'm sorry I was so naive then.  "I finally understand now."

    And I did completely.

    He questioned me. "Understand what?"

    Maybe you'll know, Reeve. If you come to love 'Bria' like I love you.

   "Nothing." I stepped away, my tears long gone. "I think I have to be by myself for awhile."

    "I..." He hesitated awhile before he said, "I don't know what to say."

    Was I upset?

    Yes.

    Was I going to fling myself off a bridge in despair?

    No.

    Because Reeve did love me.

    And...it would *have* to be enough.

    "I love you, Reeve." I told him the words that had come so easily to me for so many years. "So much. Be happy."

    That's all I really want for you, Reeve. Safe and happy--

    "Go on. Be happy... Be happy, just like I always wanted you to be."

    Thank you, Bryatt. Thank you so much. You taught me more than you even intended.

    And before I left, I heard him say, "yes. You too, my friend. You too."

    My friend.

    I'll be contented, Reeve, being your friend....eventually.

    But I can never really be happy.

    I'm sorry Bryatt.

     I'd be lying if I said I wasn't depressed.

    Because I was, I really, I really was, even though...it could have been a lot worse.

    It was just... I had to get over the shock of losing Reeve.

    Because right now, I was dying.

    I don't think I... I didn't fully understand.

    Worse, Shinra cut my vacation short.

    The key was in my possession. Reeve had gone through with it, and he had gotten it.

    I had to admit, I was a little shocked.

    And here I was now, in a helicopter returning to the headquarters for further orders.

    I hadn't seen Reeve since we...

    But then again, it had only been a day.

    And a damn long day at that. There wasn't much time left to get ahead of Cloud and the others... There wasn't much time to stop Sephiroth--

    --To stop Shinra---

        "Hey, Tseng, you all right?"

    I only half heard Reno's voice. "Yeah..." I lied absently, "I'm fine." Even if I told him my heart was dried up, he wouldn't understand. Oh gods, Reeve. I'm so hurt. Do you know how horrible you've made me feel? Have you any vague idea? I'm alone again, and truly if this helicopter crashed into the sea right now it would only make me happy. After all, where can I turn? I gave you my life, Reeve. What did you do with it?

    Elena said, "you don't look fine."

    Rude said nothing. Bless him.

    Reno persisted, "hey, man, come on. You can't fool us. What's up?"

    I can't answer that....I can't even explain it to myself. Did you ever understand me, Reeve? When I told you I loved you, I meant it. Then again, how can I expect you to understand when you never knew what love really was? I've given you everything, and now I'm empty. "Quiet, Reno."

    The red head sighed in annoyance and crosses his arms. "Fine. Be an asshole."

    "You're an asshole, Reno," Elena shot back.

    I turned to look out the window. Their bickering was making me ill. "Elena....Reno....please." You never let me explain, Reeve. I hope you know how much I love you....even from the first day we met. Even if I didn't know it then. You entranced me.

    The helicopter made a smooth landing at Shinra Headquarters and we stepped onto the roof.

    Rude asked, "what now?"

    I really wish I knew..... "I have to meet with Heidegger." I spoke past them, not making any eye contact. Right now I was hardly in any form to be in human contact of any kind. "Be in my office in one hour. No excuses. Got it?"

    There was never any excuses.

    Elena nodded eagerly. "Yes, boss."

    I turned, walking briskly towards the doors. Once inside the glass elevator I entered the correct floor with my keycard and collapsed, head against the glass, looking down. Reeve had built this city.....it had always made the both of us sick to look upon it, but now.....now it only made me want to cry.

    I looked down at Sector Seven, crushed flat under tons of metal. People, buildings, lives...smashed for some renegades who escaped. I clenched my fists remembering how badly Reeve was shaken by the news. It was *I* who had given Reno the order to destroy it. What choice did I have? Is that why, Reeve? Because I'm so loyal? Because I won't go against them...and she will?

    The only thing I couldn't do for you...

    A single tear slipped down my cheek. There I went again, crying.

    What a horrible Turk.

    So horrible, and yet, I can't go against them.

    And I shuddered, wondering how just a few words had crushed my whole world again-- just like that fire had so many years ago. Oh gods...how can words be so powerful? How can they ruin so many hopes and so many dreams....set everything ablaze just like a misplaced match....

    Forcing myself to wipe away the tear, I thought, I had to start all over when my family died, Reeve. Looks as though I'll have to do it again. But this time I don't know where to start.....

    Was there even anywhere to go? Anything else to fall back on?

    When the fire came, there was Bryatt.

    When Bryatt died, there was Shinra, and Sephiroth.

    After Sephiroth left this world, and Ben left this company, there was Reeve.

    There had always been Reeve.

    But now... Now I was going backwards, and there was clearly someone else Reeve cared more about then me--

    --As if I could ever think Reeve would care about me more than *anything*.

    A surge of anger rose within me, and I punched the glass, unable to control it. Nothing happened to the glass. It was made too thick... "I thought I had a chance! I thought you'd maybe learn to love me! Fuck!" I punched it again and again-- I couldn't stop. "Fuck!"

    The elevator stopped with a cheery 'ding' and that little sound forced me to compose myself. Was violence ever the answer?

    Shinra had taught me it was, but...

    I didn't agree.

    Quickly I walked to Heidegger's office and rapped several times upon the door.

    "Come in!"

    I slipped inside, shutting the door behind him. "You wanted to speak with me, sir?" I hoped it would be quick.

    "The keystone," said Heidegger, "do you have it?"

  Yeah.....thanks to Reeve...and that robot of his....oh gods, Reeve.... "Yes." I removed it from his pocket and placed it on his superior's desk. I was glad to be rid of it. I didn't like what it represented. "Here you are, sir."

    "Excellent work, Tseng!" Heidegger praised with a hearty laugh, reaching for the keystone. "You and Reeve are to be commended for this."

    I twitched at the sound of his name paired with Reeve's.

    Reeve doesn't want to be commended for anything having to do with the Shinra.

    Heidegger must have noticed my weird behavior, because he gave me a strange look. "Tseng, my boy. Are you all right?"

    My boy? What kind of sick joke was that? "I'm fine," I lied emotionlessly. "I am not one to let my personal life interfere with my work."

    Otherwise then where would I be? A sobbing mess on the floor?

    I am not one to let my *self* interfere with my work.

    "You're a credit to the company, Tseng. I know I can ask one more assignment of you."

    "Yes, sir."

    "The President wishes to find out about this Temple of the Ancients. Clues to the Promised Land may be inside. Now that we have the keystone there's no stopping us."

    "I see, sir."

    "Take one more of your subordinates with you," Heidegger instructed, "the others can stay in Midgar for the time being."

    I nodded again. "Yes, sir. We'll leave tomorrow." I wish I didn't have to leave *ever*. And I turned to leave.

    "Tseng," Heidegger called before the younger man could exit. Turning halfway, I lended an ear to his boss' words. "There's no room for error here. Don't let Shinra down."

    I could feel myself shaking. Let Shinra down? No. I *wish*. "Never."

    As he left Heidegger's office, I found himself turning right instead of left, and my knees shook as he marched towards Reeve's office. What am I going to say to him? Why am I even going?

    Because part of me just has to see him.

    My heart jumped as he turned the corner. Reeve.... But the door was open, and the room was empty.

    He wasn't there.

    I sighed in disappointment, but went inside anyway, closing the door quietly and carefully, as though I would greatly disturb the feeling of the room if I wasn't silent. The room was the same as it had always been. The chair was askew behind a desk nearly arranged with everything in it's place. The shades were drawn tightly shut as usual. Reeve hated to look down at his own city.

    I found myself wandering over behind the desk and running fingers over the shiny wood desktop. Reeve....you were always such a neat freak at work......just like me......

    There was a picture frame placed face down on the desk, and I couldn't help picking it up.

    My heart froze when he saw the image.

    It was me.

    I had never known....

  I never knew you had a picture of me, Reeve..... Tears clouded my vision and he placed the picture back down.

    Dammit.

    Couldn't stand to see me anymore, Reeve?....Why?

    And so I sat down slowly, easing back into my former lover's chair. The room smelled distinctly of Reeve's cologne and I saw a bottle of the stuff lying on the desk. Going off to see her, Reeve? ...You used to wear this for me.  Picking up the bottle, I  put some on myself. There's certainly better cologne, but there's no better way to remember you, my beloved....

    There was a letter lying on the desk, and though I knew better than to spy on my best friend in the world, but I wasn't loyal to Shinra for nothing.

    I couldn't help myself.

    I glazed over it in amazement. It was a... It was...

    A love letter.....to her. ...He never wrote me a love letter.

    Because he didn't *love* you!

    I couldn't stop himself from reading it.

  Dear Bria,

    I don't know if you understand just how much you mean to me. You inspire me to be a better man and to stand up for what I believe in. It is because of you I have decided to take down Shinra from the inside.

     I gripped the arms of the chair to keep himself from passing out. All this time... All this time I thought he was coming to these conclusions on his own it had been her inspiring him. He hadn't the strength, and so-- And so he had been turning to her. She hated them. Hated them like he did--

  Yes. It was all too clear now. She could give him what I never could.

    Is this why you chose her over me?

    I continued:

    I have never been known to express myself well, which is why I wrote this for you. Bria, you're my ray of hope. Thank you for being there.

    Love forever,

        Reeve

    Love forever.

    He really did love her. A whole lot more then he ever could love...me...

    He's so happy with her....I thought, feeling strangely at peace for the first time in... I don't think I ever made him quite as happy. And I sighed, running his fingers over Reeve's signature. Reeve....I wish I could have made you half as happy as she has. That's all I ever wanted.

  Did he...know?

    Quickly I took a piece of paper and a pen. I wrote:

    Dearest Reeve,

    I am very happy to see Bria has become such a powerful force in your life. She can give you everything I never could. I'm glad you found love, Reeve. As long as you're happy, I am too. No hard feelings. I understand. Being friends is more than I need from you.

    Love always,

    Tseng

    Placing down the pen, I took a deep breath, suddenly not feeling so terrible. But I was still sad. And I had never been more lonely. Reeve, you love Bria and I gladly accept that. I just wish you were here....

    And suddenly, I couldn't stay in his office another second.

    Just as he reached for the doorknob the door swung open. I let out a strangled gasp, but it wasn't Reeve. It was Scarlet.

    Shit.

    "Where's Reeve?" she demanded, giving me a disgusted look over, as if I were no one instead of head of the Turks.

    I really hated her.

    Grimacing I replied, "not here." The next words escaped my lips without a thought. He hated her too--he didn't want her to bother him. "Let it go, Scarlet. He never wanted you to begin with."

    She hissed back at me, "what would you *really* know of it?"

    Dare she imply I knew nothing???

    "Plenty," I replied. "Now if you'll excuse me." And I didn't wish to remain in her presence even a moment longer. I went to move past her, but she blocked the door with her arm.

    "I think you better mind your own god damn business, Tseng," the bitch snapped, "he's not a fucking fag like you are. He'll never love you."

    I flinched at the derogatory term. How dare she call me that, the whore. At least I hadn't slept my way to the top. Clenching my jaw, I held my ground. "Maybe not, Scarlet. But at least I can give him my love, which is a hell of a lot more than you could ever do." Yes. That was *something*. Narrowing my eyes, I added, "you heartless bitch. You're wasting your time far more than I ever was."

    Because I hadn't wasted my time. He needed me.

    I pushed her arm away and took several steps. Her presence disgusted me.

    "Was I?" she called after me, smirk. "Now that it's over, tell me, Tseng, we he a good fuck?"

    How *DARE SHE* say that to me, as if that was all she was! I whirled around, fists clenching as tightly as my jaw as I struggled not to hit her.

    Scarlet didn't stop there. "I'm not a fool, Tseng. I know."

    I didn't care what she knew. She could go to hell. "Do *not* speak to me that way."

    She laughed annoyingly, looking at my fists, spasming at my sides. "Always by the book, Tseng. Always for the company." She brushed past me, heading away from Reeve' office. "You never cease to amuse me."

    Once she was gone, I moved quickly towards my own, my heart twisting as I fought back the tears. Always for the company. And it was *amusing*.

    Bitch.

    I was in such a hurry that I wasn't paying much attention to my direction. Bumping into Reeve was the last thing I wanted. right now.

    But I did.

    And there he was, right there before me, close enough to touch...

    We looked at each other silently for a moment, exchanging words with our eyes. Reeve looked sad somehow, regretful almost. His eyes seemed to say, 'I never wanted to cause you any pain'.

    I wonder what mine were telling him.

    My darling spoke first. "Hello. How are you?"

    "Hello, Reeve. I'm doing fine, thank you."

    Reeve hesitated. "Look, Tseng, I want to apologize--"

    But I held up a hand to stop him. He didn't need to do anything of the kind.

    "Reeve," I said, "it's all right."

    Reeve fumbled for words. "But, I--"

    "No," I insisted in a firm but gentle tone. "Reeve....it's okay."

    And I guess it was.

    His mouth closed and he just gave a small sigh, accompanied by a slight nod.

    We didn't say anything or move for another minute. It was as if time stood still, allowing us time to have a last good-bye, even if it was only silence they shared together.

    I wish I could help you, Reeve. I wish I could go against Shinra too. But I can't....I'm not that strong. "I have to go to the Temple of the Ancients," I finally spoke up. "Thanks for the keystone."

    He answered, "you're welcome," then lowered his voice, "it's my last favor."

    My eyes grew wide. Last favor....yes...Reeve was now going to devote himself to taking Shinra down. "I wish I could help you," I mumbled. And I did *so* much.

    "Cloud and the others will be there," Reeve said simply, "be careful, my friend."

    "I am not afraid," I told him firmly. "Reeve, I am a Turk. I work for Shinra. We fear nothing."

    "Yes," muttered Reeve, a smirk reaching his lips. "Not yet."

    But I was already afraid.

    "I have to be in my office," I told him, taking one step away.

    "Very well. I'll see you when you get back."

    "Yes. When I get back," I nodded. Then I watched as Reeve turned the corner, leaving him alone again. If only I was strong enough for you, Reeve. With that thought I walked away too.

    And that was the last time I saw Reeve before...

    Yes, we knew where it was.

    And so now, here I was, in a hotel in Junon, waiting out the very last day before the trip. Tomorrow I was leaving to meet the others in Rocket Town, where we were going to wait.

    Dear Journal,

                    I have become Bryatt.

    Well, no. But what I mean is that I know how he felt now. I know *all* too well. I wonder if he went through this pain. Oh god, I hope he didn't. I didn't mean to hurt him. I think, really, that he taught me more then anyone ever did. Even more then Sephiroth had. In the short time we had known each other, and it had been far too short, he had had an profound impact on my life.

    I put down my pen with a sigh.  I had been writing more and more lately, as I reflected on myself. I felt it helped me feel a little better. Maybe that was why Bryatt always wrote so much.

    I was still slightly depressed, still regretting... I knew Reeve was happy with her, and I was glad he was. That's what life was about, anyway. Being happy. I wouldn't wish any less for him, even if it was with someone else.

    I just...wasn't happy.

    My PHS rang suddenly, and I sighed laboriously, figuring it was Rufus or Heidegger with new orders telling me I would have to move out now. I really didn't want to answer it.

    But I *had* to.

    And so I did, lifelessly.

    "Hello?"

    "Hi. You sound dead. You okay?"

    A voice I hadn't heard in far too long, but one I could never forget. I grinned suddenly, my heart leaping. "Ben!"

    "I see you haven't forgotten me." He chuckled.

     "Never! Ben! It's great to hear from you! How are you?"

    "Pretty good actually. Business is going well for me here."

    "That's great." I paused a moment, grinning myself and hoping for a little gossip. "Meet anyone?"

    Ben cleared his throat, sounding a bit nervous. "Uh...no."

    "Aw... Come on, Ben. When was the last time you had sex?"

    "Tseng!" he exclaimed, and I could picture him blushing. "Forget me. How are you?"

    ...A hard question to answer, especially to Ben. I knew what he would say. "I'm....busy." A pause, and I blurted out, "Scared. Tired. Lonely, god, I wish you were here, Ben."

    "Tseng, are you okay?" The concern was perfectly evident in his voice. "What are you scared of? And why are you lonely--what about Reeve?"

    I shut my eyes. I had to tell him. "Reeve...left me."

    "Oh god... Oh god, Tseng, I'm so sorry."

    I shut my eyes tighter. When I thought about it in such simple terms like this, it hurt more then ever. "Yeah. He found this woman..."

    "Oh god. Oh god, Tseng. I wish I could be there for you."

    "It's okay." I drew my fingers across my face, wiping them away. "Thanks for calling."

    "I was worried about you. I love you."

    "I know. Thank you." I sighed lightly.

    "You can always quit, Tseng. Come live with me. I have a great house here--you could even have your own room. I could take care of you, Tseng. --I know you're not a child, but after all the shit you've been through, you deserve to be pampered."

    Quit... My eyes stayed shut as I considered it for a moment. It would be nice to escape the stress, to have a normal life, to have someone hold me at night--someone who wouldn't leave me.

    But no, I couldn't. I couldn't abandon--

    "I can't." My voice cracked, and I wiped away more tears with the back of my hand. "I just can't."

    "Think about it," he insisted. "If you change your mind, come and see me. No one deserves to put up with that shit, Tseng. Least of all you."

    I had nothing to say anymore. "I'll think about it. Thank you, Ben."

    "I love you."

    "I love you too..."

    "Reeve's a fool."

    I sighed, wishing I could agree.

    After I hung up with him, I somehow felt more empty then when I had picked it up.

    I was lonely.

    I stared at the bed I had been occupying *alone*, and I shivered, dreading having to return to it.

    I always had a problem sleeping alone.

    Knowing there was no one there to want me...

    But really...had I been sleeping alone these past six years, with Reeve besides me or not? He didn't really want me, not completely--

    I got up, cutting off my own thought.

    Some alcohol was in order.

    Rejection.

    With a sigh I picked it up, swallowing another mouthful. If I got drunk enough I would pass out, and then I wouldn't care that I was alone.

    I took another sip.

    "Hey!"

    Someone came up besides me, and I was startled at being approached. Looking up from where I was sitting, I came face to face with the smiling red headed solider I had met previously. Brian. He looked as cute as he ever did.

    I managed a genuine smile in return. It came easily, and it wasn't just because of the alcohol. "Hi."

    "Mind if I sit here?" He was already pulling up the chair.

    "Not at all." I was so glad to see him that actual words don't even begin to describe it. My feeling of rejection had thankfully vanished.

    "What's up?" he asked, ordering himself a drink.

    "Trying to drown some of my problems the only way I know how," I replied. *That* was the alcohol talking.

    "Sorry to hear about that," he said sympathetically. "Have to do with your boyfriend?"

    Didn't it always? "We broke up."

    "Man, that sucks." He paused a moment before he asked almost hesitantly, "Did you love him?"

    "Yeah," I answered immediately, taking another gulp of liquid. I was nearly out. "I probably always will."

    Brian was quiet a moment. Then he said, "Why the hell would any guy dump you?"

    I looked at him, but had a chance to say nothing before he continued.

    "I mean, god, you're head of the Turks, which makes you not only really smart, but really honorable and trustworthy and stuff, and I've only talked to you once before, but you seemed really nice to me, and other people say you are too, and I totally believe them." He looked at me, and met my eyes, smiling as he concluded, "Plus, you're like the damn hottest guy I've ever seen in my life. I'd fuck you in a second."

    I smiled. I was probably blushing too. This kid barely even knew me but...

    There was something I liked about him, besides his looks.

    Maybe I wouldn't be the only one in my bed after all.

    And so I smiled, I leaned towards him, and in the most seductive voice I could possibly conger up, whispered, "I think that second's passed."

    But, after all that heavy emotional shit I had been through, all I needed was a quick pointless fuck.

    And I got a damn good one.

    "Gods! I am done!" he collapsed against the pillows with a grin, panting still. "Damn. That boyfriend of yours was crazy. That was--*wow*. Incredible."

    I had to shake off the boyfriend comment. "Thanks. You were pretty unbelievable yourself." I paused a moment, eyeing the comforting expanse of chest. I longed to lay my head on it and cuddle against him, sharing in his warmth, but... I held off. "Just how old are you?"

    "Twenty-one. And you're what? Twenty-four?"

    I laughed a little, but because I was flattered. "Twenty-nine." I made a disgusted face as I rolled over on my stomach. "I'm old."

    "You're beautiful." Brian reached out and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. I was surprised at his tenderness.

    "You don't seem like the soldier type."

    He shrugged. "You don't seem like the Turk type, from what I've seen."

    "What do you mean?" I looked at him curiously, not offended by any means.

    "Well, the Turks are the henchmen of Shinra. So when you think of the Turks you usually think of a bunch of mean guys beating people up and not even dying until Shinra tells them too." He shrugged. "You're sweet and affectionate. You're not like that at all."

    As far as you know. "Why did you join Shinra?"

    His eyes never left mine. "Because there was no where else to go."

    "You don't like it, do you."

    He shrugged, sighing. "....It's something I regret a lot."

    My heart broke. He was so young, and yet he felt trapped already.

    I regretted a lot too. But it was too late to turn back.

    "May I?" I requested softly, placing a hand on his chest and moving closer to him.

    "Yeah! Sure!" And he put an arm around me as I placed my head on his shoulder, feeling his heartbeat.

    I wasn't at all lonely anymore.

    "Quit if you don't like it."

    "I don't have anywhere else to go."

    "Quit, trust me," I insisted, holding him tighter. "You can do better."

    For a long time he didn't say anything. Then, finally, when I thought he wouldn't say anything at all, he said, "Do you love Shinra?"

    "I love my...my ex," I told him. "I don't love Shinra, I owe it." That's why, Reeve. Understand... "Shinra only wants loyalty. And they have plenty of that."

    Just look at me.

    Disgustingly loyal till my one last breath.

    "What's it like to be in love?" he asked softly.

    I sighed. To explain such a word...such a *feeling*... Countless scholars with far more intelligence then I have searched to describe it. I myself I really never tried.

    "Love is like..." I thought, trying to find one shining example.

    I thought of Reeve and it came easily enough.

    "It's like being complete."

    "Even when they don't love you back?"

    "Yes." I shut my eyes. I could feel his heartbeat in my ear.

    "Is it different when they do?"

    "Yes."

    "...How?"

    I shouldn't have been able to answer. I shouldn't have known to love and feel the same love in return. I had never experienced it....

    But somehow, I knew perfectly all the same.

    "It's like being whole."

    "I see," he replied softly, holding me closer to him. "Tseng?"

    "What?"

    "I'm going to quit."

    I didn't ask why. I didn't need to. I only held him closer, feeling sleep overtaking me.

    If only I could save someone else from my fate, maybe my life wasn't a total loss after all.

    No, Brian was still there, holding me. What was gone was the feeling of sadness over losing Reeve.

    Instead I lay there, cuddled next to Brian, listening to him breathe and thinking that Reeve must be completely happy now

    Except for one thing.

    But I pushed that thought out of my mind for a moment, and looked up. Brian was awake, and watching himself as he idly twirled a strand of my hair around his finger.

    "Hi there," I said, smiling up at him.

    He met my eyes and bent to kiss me. It was a gesture I accepted all too eagerly. This kiss was far more then any gesture to say good morning, and he pushed me back onto the mattress, straddling me in the process and exploring every inch of my mouth.

    As if he hadn't done that already, but I was far from unwilling.

    "Mm. Let me have you once more?" he breathed in my ear, letting his hands roam over my chest and lower...

    I just nodded quite eagerly, moaning as he touched me.

    And when he was through touching me, among other things, long after that, he kissed my forehead and got out of bed.

    "Thanks."

    "Thanks for what?" I sat up and admired his naked beauty.

    "I'm going to go home... Do something else." He reached for his underwear and smiled at me. "Do you think I'd make a good teacher?"

    I barely knew him, but there was no doubt in my mind as I replied, "I think you'll make an excellent teacher."

    I watched him dress, still grinning as he spoke. "I've always wanted to be one, you know? But I heard the offer to join Shinra, and you know, it looked pretty good, so I took it." He shrugged. "I want to help people, not..." And he trailed off. I think he knew he didn't have to say anymore.

    "Good for you," I remarked quietly. I wished I was in his shoes. So young, with so much to live for.  I was young too, I guess, but I felt a hundred years old. All that I had been through had aged me that far. And something to live for? Helping Shinra didn't seem to qualify.

    "What would you do?" he turned to me, a question in his bright twenty-one year old eyes. "If you weren't in Shinra, what would you do?"

    I paused. For all the time I thought about being free of Shinra, I never thought...what I would really do with my life. What was I good for? Would I be a model? A lawyer? A doctor? Someone's fuck toy? I had always enjoyed reading, and writing, even if I wasn't much good at it. Would I be doing that?

    I had no idea.

    And, quietly, I told him so.

    "Yes you do." He was combing his hair. "You say you don't, but I bet you really do."

    "It's a fucked up world," I muttered.

    He turned, and for a long time he just stared at me, as if he didn't want to believe me, but didn't know what to say. Then, after I didn't think he would speak at all, Brian told me, "If you look at it that way."

    I just stared back.

    Brian moved towards the door. "I better go....get out of here." He honored me with a smile. "Don't worry, Tseng."

    I looked up at him, crinkling my brow in confusion. Worry?

    "Everything changes eventually."

    How could he be so young? I thought vaguely, amazed. I had heard that elsewhere before...

    "Take care of yourself."

    "Yeah," I said absently, "You too."

    And then he was gone.

    Bryatt! I thought suddenly. It was *him* I heard those words from before!

    And I sat there for a long time, with a silly smile on my face.

    I wondered if I would ever see Brian again.

    I looked up. Here I was now, in Rocket Town. I had been so...reluctant to come here. But I forced myself because I had to.

    There had never been a choice, and there wouldn't be one now.

    Elena stood before me, solemn faced. I thought that was bizarre, considering she was usually more lighthearted.

    "Yes?"

    "Hey," he said, "Heidegger just called. They pushed the mission back, so we're going to the temple tomorrow instead, okay?"

    I suddenly felt like smiling myself. Why wasn't she? "I see. Thank you, Elena. Did Heidegger want to speak to me?"

    "No." Then suddenly she sat down besides me and clapped a hand over my knee. "What's wrong, Tseng?"

    There was something more wrong now, now that she was touching me. I froze. Relax, I thought, drawing a breath. This is Elena. Not Scaret....or one of *them*. She's not going to force herself on you. "What makes you say that?"

    "I don't want to bother you," she rushed, taking her hand away. I managed to relax a little. "I just thought--well, you looked so down lately. Did you want to talk, or..." Elena stopped herself and sighed, shaking her head. "Sorry. I just, I have to know something."

    I looked at her. She was pretty, I noted. Blonde and petite with big brown eyes. She could probably have no trouble finding someone. "What's that?"

    "Well..." she looked down, studying her hands as she flexed her fingers nervously. "Um... Reno and Rude said... That you were..." Again she paused, taking a deep breath and a big gulp. "They said you're homosexual," she rushed, still refusing eye contact, "And I was wondering, you know--" Then she looked up, meeting my eyes at last, brow furrowed with...disappointment? "Are you?" She sounded like a lost child.

    What was I going to do? Lie? For as much as I constantly corrected her, I really liked Elena. Part of me felt sorry for her, not only because she was obviously in love with someone she couldn't have--and gods, I knew how that felt--but because she could do better then a Turk, and she didn't even know better. "Yes," I nodded, turning my head away now. "I am. I'm sorry."

    "Oh." And for a long time she was quiet. It must have really upset her. Elena is hardly ever quiet. I looked at her again. "Elena..."

    She was crying a little, and trying to wipe them away. "I'm sorry, sir," she said hastily, hurrying to wipe away the evidence of her tears. "It's just that I... I, um..."

    "It's all right." And I embraced her. Elena rested her head on my shoulder with a sigh. "You can cry, it's okay."

    I got no verbal response from her, she only sniffled, making some soft noises that indicated she was still weeping.

    My own eyes closed, it paining me to bring someone else pain. How many was it now? Three? What was it about me? There was nothing special about me, nothing. Just I, I was good looking, yes, but that's no basis to love someone. So what was it?

    "I know it's hard," I told her. "I know it hurts, and I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Just... You'll find someone else."

    She cried a little harder.

    And she didn't see me, but...

    I cried a little too.

    After all, I couldn't be with her at all.

    That night she went to bed early, and I sat on my own bed in the dark, trying not to think about the following day's mission. It wasn't hard, as I was far too concerned trying to wonder why I didn't just throw in the towel and walk off. There was no way out. None. Here I would be until I died.

    Whenever that would be.

    Again the PHS rang. I wondered who it could be, calling this late. It was unlikely to be the company. I picked it up.

    "Hello?"

    "Hi, it's me again."

    My heart lifted a little at the familiar voice. "Hi, Ben."

    "How are you doing?"

    "Better," I said honestly. "Much, much better."

    "Good. I'm glad." He paused a moment, then asked, "Have you thought about it?"

    "...I have," I admitted after a pause.

    "And?"

    "I *can't*."

    "Let me ask you this, Tseng," he said seriously. "Is Shinra worth being loyal to anymore?"

    He was right, but--

    "I can't *help* it," I explained, trying to get him to understand.

    "Yes you can," he shot back. "No one's that weak."

    "Then why am I?" A tear slipped down my cheek. My eye was completely dry.

    "You're not," he said firmly. "Tseng, how many times have you cheated death? You're strong."

    Maybe my body was.

    But my soul was as fragile as an insect's wing.

    But I said nothing to him, just shook my head.

    "Tseng, listen to me..."

    "You don't know me, Ben."

    "You're not happy."

    "I've never been happy." More tears came. God dammit! I can never stop crying. I grabbed a handful of the bed spread and held it until my knuckles turned white.

    "What's happened to you, Tseng?" he shot back, sounding upset. It was as if he was crying himself. "It's killing me!"

    "You know what? I'm not letting it go anymore. Every night you come back here exhausted, and you act as though you're fine, but you tremble when I touch you. What happened to you, Tseng? It's killing me! Tseng.... Please. I want to help you."

    Oh, Bryatt.

    "There's nothing you can do, Ben." I shut my eyes. The crying had stopped.

    "I want you to be happy."

    "I want..." I took a breath. "I want to be happy too."

    "Tseng, what do you want from me?"

    "Tseng, what do you want from me? Love... I'll give you anything. And I mean *anything*."

    "...I want you to keep something for me."

    "Huh? What are you talking about?"

    "There's something I want you to have." And I smiled, a warmth filling my heart. "I'll mail it to you. Promise me you'll read it."

    "What is it?" he asked, softly.

    "It's a journal....of someone I really loved. He didn't know it."

    He sighed, "Oh, Tseng. I'm sure he knew. The ones you love....they never leave you."

    "Ben?" I asked my voice soft and quiet. I reached up and touched the dot on my forehead. The one I reapplied every day without fail. The one I never thought twice about. The simple black mark that represented the ones I would never forget, and the ones who meant more then words to my heart.

    "What is it?" His tone mirrored mine.

    "I'll come see you soon, okay?"

    There was a long pause at the other end, before he replied, as if completely relieved, "Okay."

    "You'll read it?"

    "I will."

    And we said our good-byes then. I still hand my finger over the mark.

    "He drew a black dot on his forehead each and every morning so he would never forget his father. It may seem stupid, but I thought--"

     "No, no, Bryatt. It's not stupid. Not stupid at all."

      Of course, Bryatt, the best teacher I ever had.

    It's for you too.

  "Bryatt..." There I was, whispering to him, letting him cry into my shoulder. "It's not your fault. I'm weak... I couldn't fight them off...."

    I still can't, Bryatt. I still can't.

    "My little love," and he purred, nuzzling me. God, how good it felt. "Don't keep anything from me. I love you. I love you, Tseng."

    Bryatt... I... I'm...

    "....I'm scared, Bryatt. I don't like it here anymore. I...I'm trapped. There's nothing left to do but run again. And I don't want to do it alone."

    You don't have to do it alone, Tseng...

    And I was awake again, sitting up quickly and catching my breath. Those same words... Every time I put my head down. These flashes from the past--Bryatt--why did it still seem to fit?

    Because you're always running... You never stopped. Ever since that fire... You've always been running. Haven't you found it yet?

    No.

    And I probably never would.

    I wasn't depressed.

    But I was weak.

    I was unhappy.

    I was scared.

    I was hu--

    You're a Turk now, and don't you forget it.

    I was human.

    Despite the oath, despite any crap they tried to force down my throat, I wasn't really a Turk.

    I was a human being, just as I had always been. And all these years, here I had been, masquerading like their puppet. My heart wasn't in it. My heart had never been in it.

    But they took me in when I was running. They gave me a home, they gave me friends, they gave me Reeve--

    I couldn't go against them.

    Without Shinra... Who knows whether I would have met Reeve.

    And he was more important to me then anything.

    And hadn't I done enough to convince him of that?

    I picked up the PHS again. I knew it was late, but I couldn't help it. I hoped he would be up. I just need to hear his voice...

    Reeve, who was no longer mine and who never had been to begin with, answered after the first ring.

    He said, "Bria?"

    I don't know how I didn't fall to pieces, but I didn't. But I was cold when I told him, "No."

    "Tseng?" he said my name so softly, as if either he didn't believe it, or he had forgotten me already.

    "Hello, Reeve."

    It was only a stupid PHS connection, but I could feel him nonetheless. I felt warm. I felt safe.

      "I'm sorry, Tseng. I was...uh...expecting her to call." He rushed his words before pausing and saying, genuinely,  "I'm glad to hear from you."

    "I just wanted to hear your voice, Reeve."

    "...I...I'm glad to hear yours too."

    That warmed my heart.

    "I was wondering, Reeve." I shut my eyes "That poem I wrote you for your birthday that year. Do you have it?"

    It was stupid. I had always thought so. But I knew it by heart all the same, but that's where it had come from.

    "Yes. Of course I do." I heard him unfolding some pages.

    He really had it that close? Just like I always had my...

    "Hmm." I smiled a little, feeling a little warmer. A little safer. That birthday was one he had tried to forget, but I remembered. I always remembered.

    Just like *he* remembered mine when I tried to forget... Bryatt...

    "Tseng are you okay?"

    "Yes, I was just wondering." Wondering how much I mean to you, Reeve.

    Sometimes I forget.

    Even the best of us, sometimes forget.

    There passed a short silence between us. I enjoyed just listening to him breathe.

    "I still wear my ring," he admitted suddenly.

    I was a little shocked. He still wore it? Around her? "I never take it off," I admitted. "I never will."

    They couldn't tear it from me. I'd die first.

    "Stay safe, okay?" This he *begged*, and he sounded choked up.

    Oh, Reeve.... Beautiful, beautiful Reeve. Don't cry over me. I'm not worth it... You--you're amazing. You're everything I'm not. You can do everything I *wish* I could.

    "Can I tell you something, Reeve?" I asked him lightly.

    "Yes. Yes. Anything you want," he rushed.

    Then I said the words I had never admitted to him:

    "I'm scared."

    "Scared?" His voice was tiny. I don't think he ever expected to hear those words. Not from me.

    I told him, "I'm scared of Shinra."

    To put it lightly.

    Reeve stuttered. "Tseng... Tseng, I--"

    "You have to stop them, Reeve." There. It was out now. She could help him, I couldn't, but I could give him something she couldn't: the horrible truth. "You're the only one who will, because you're the only one who can."

    The only one who's not trapped....

    "I'm not just doing this because they're evil, Tseng," he blurted this out, and I was barely able to keep up with it. "I'm doing this for you. I don't want you to be a Turk anymore. You deserve something better."

    My throat choked.

    I'm doing this for *you*, he said.

    How many times was I doing things for him?

    And he was...he was trying to do the one thing I had secretly yearned for in return.

    And yes, he *did* think I deserved something better.

    But all those like me trapped in Shinra did.

    To Reeve, I came before them, and I always had--

    He was trying to protect me.

    I tried not to cry.

    "....trying to protect me, Reeve?" Just like I've always tried to protect you...and Bryatt always tried to protect me, I--

    "Yes. Gods, I would die if something was to happen to you. That's why it upset me so much when..."

    The words were out of my mouth before I thought. "When I let Hojo fuck me?"

    "I knew it was him!" He hissed, true malice consuming his voice. "I swear, if he didn't resign, I'd--"

    There was no point in hiding it now.

    I told him, "I did it for you, Reeve. He knew what you were doing with Cait Sith. He said it was me...or...your job. Or your life even. God knows what's going through Rufus' mind lately."

    For a few moments I heard nothing. Not even the sound of a breath. Then he stuttered again, "Oh my god... Tseng... I..."

    I didn't need to hear his thank you. He didn't owe me anymore then being himself.

    "Don't speak, Reeve. I already know what you're going to say. Just listen to me." I paused, took a breath, and went against everything they had ever taught me as a Turk. "----Kill it."

     "I will," his voice was soft. I wonder if he was even surprised. "And I'll do it for you, more than anything else."

    I didn't deserve it more than anyone else. Not with all I had done.

    "Don't worry about me." I wondered if he would listen. Then I wondered if he understood, if he saw the note I left-- "Reeve... Have you looked at the desk in your office lately?"

    "Not really... Why?"

    "...Just wondering." He would know soon enough, I supposed. Suddenly my eye lids felt so heavy, and I could barely stay awake.  "I should be going..." Even if I didn't want to leave him, didn't want to go--I still had a mission tomorrow.

    I couldn't stop. And I wouldn't. Not until I was dead.

    "Hurry back," he said

    My eyes closed, and I said the words that I was possessed to repeat over and over, "I love you, Reeve. You know that."

    "I know. And it means so much to me."

    And I knew it did.

    I put a hand on my chest, leaning back against the bed frame. Sleep was not far off, and after the mission, I supposed--

    I told Reeve, "I'll see you when this is all over."

    He told me, "Good-bye, Tseng."

    And we both hung up.

    Before I fell asleep, I leaned back against the soft pillows and tried to imagine him reading the note I had left him.

    I imagined him crying.

    That was the last time I spoke to Reeve before...

    I knew he would understand it.

    "So this is it..." Elena breathed. "This will lead us to the Promised Land."

    This will lead *Shinra* to the Promised Land, I thought.

    "Do you have the key stone?" She turned to me, a questioning look in her eye.

    Ever since I had admitted myself to her, we had grown a little bit closer. I had never really been friends with a woman before, but--

    "Uh, yeah." I shook my head. What was wrong with me? Keep focus, Tseng. Get this mission finished and you can go home.

    And be unhappy all over again, you Shinra scum, son of a bitch.

    Again I shook my head to clear it. Then I took the keystone in my hand so tightly my knuckles turned white. It was time to go inside.

    Who knows what Shinra would discover.

    Who knows what *I* would discover.

    I was scared.

    Here I was, *on duty* and I was scared.

    That scared me even more.

    We went in. I went first, and Elena rejoiced happily as the keystone allowed us further entry.

    I could have cared less.

    The Temple was certainly designed to confuse... I had a hard time navigating through the first area.  Getting through that was exhausting enough, but the second room involved u-shaped boulders that fell from the ceiling.

    "Just how did the Ancients design this thing?" Elena complained. "To kill people?"

    And keep scum like us out, I thought. But I said, "Let's keep going."

    The clock room, although bizarre, was easy enough to get through. I have to admit I wasn't paying much attention to my surrounding. I just wanted to get out of there. I had an unsettling feeling about this place.

    We came to a large golden door. For a moment I just stared at it. Something didn't feel right at all. I felt like I shouldn't be there.

    "It's locked," Elena reported after trying it. "Want me to pick it?"

    "I'll do it," I said without thinking. And, against all my instincts, I did.

    I stepped in first, intrigued by the intricate murals on the wall. They were haunting, and I trembled inwardly. It looked like the end of the world.

    Elena followed me in, calling, "Tseng, what's this? Can we find the Promised Land with this?"

    Unless the Promised Land was heaven... "...I wonder," I sighed, turning to her. She looked at me eagerly. Poor kid. Always easy to please. "Anyway, we have to report to the President."

    And she headed towards the door. But then Elena stopped, and she turned around, "Be careful, Tseng."

    Spoken like a true friend. I managed a small smile. Those were hard to come by. "Yeah... Hey Elena, how 'bout dinner after this job's over?"

    She seemed flattered, even blushing a little. "Th... Thank you very much." And she took a few more steps towards the door. "If I may be excused..."

    And then she was gone.

    I had a good team, I thought vaguely. Reno, Rude, and Elena. They were all good people. They all deserved better.

    I turned back to the haunting image, studying it further. It disturbed my deeply.  "Is this the Promised Land?" I muttered to myself. How could the Promised Land involve anything falling from the sky?  "No, it can't be..."

    Then suddenly, I couldn't see.

    My whole vision was a flash of brilliant white light, so brilliant I thought I might be blinded. But it only lasted a moment, and when it faded away, I felt a presence like I hadn't felt in five long years.

    It was this feeling that made me turn around.

    And it was the presence that caught my breath.

    Sephiroth.

    He was right before my eyes, looking like he always had. The long, beautiful silver hair, the custom black and silver uniform he wore so proudly. And those striking green eyes. It *was* him. It *was*.

    Wasn't it?

    Something felt odd...

    He held his sword.

    I exclaimed his name.

    He smirked at me. "So you opened the door. Well done."

    All I could do was stare. His voice didn't sound right. The tone was off. Everyone had said Sephiroth had gone mad, everyone was afraid of him. But I wasn't afraid.

    Because this wasn't Sephiroth.

    Still staring hard at him, I took a few steps. His eyes never left mine. This wasn't my teacher, this wasn't.

    Then who was it?

    I had to ask--some part of me had to know, not for Shinra but for *me*, "This place... what is it?"

    "A lost treasure house of knowledge. The wisdom of the Ancients..." He turned away from me slowly, dramatically raising his eyes. It was as if he was performing a well practiced scene for me. The next words from his lips were so unbelievable, so unthinkable... He said,  "I am becoming one with the Planet."

    "One with the Planet?" I stood still, dumbstruck.

    Again the flash of white. What was happening to me. I squinted, in terrible pain a moment, before it was gone again. He was still not facing me.

     "You stupid fools. You have never even thought about it," he said. "All the spirit energy of this Planet. All its wisdom...
knowledge... I will meld with it all. I will become one with it... It will become one with me."

    This was not the Sephiroth I had known. But then...what was it? It made no sense, none of it did!

     "...you can do that?"

    "The way......." And he paused dramatically, playing out his mad scene, "lies here."

    Those images on the wall... The thing falling from the sky... Killing the planet... Using the energy... And then Sephiroth...

    All at once I understood.

    And I honestly didn't know what to think.

    I didn't have time.

    He began to laugh at me, and as he laughed, I was filled with the greatest sense of complete fear that I had ever felt in my twenty-nine years of being alive.

    And he must have known.

    It was the beginning of the rest of my life.

    "Only death awaits you all. But do not fear."

    And I might have gasped in surprise. But before I could breath again, there was a screeching and --

    --And then there was the masamune, run straight through me.

    The pain was incredible. I could feel the blood seeping through my Shinra uniform--my own for a change. Usually it was someone else's...

    I fell back, hitting the ground with a dull thump. There were tears in my eyes, and I groped at my wound, terrified at the wetness I encountered there. I choked, trying to fight it off...

    Turks don't cry... Turks don't cry...

    But I cried anyway.

    He knelt over me and whispered,  "For it is through death that a new spirit energy is born. Soon, you will live again as a part of me."

    He wanted me to be part of him.

    I understood him.

    If this wasn't Sephiroth-- The real one wasn't far.

    He was mad.

    No one is alone! I thought desperately, my own blood flowing over my fingers now. I clenched my eyes shut against the pain, clear tears forming the curves of my face. I was shaking. Sephiroth--how could you???

    That was the last I ever saw of him.

    Because the next thing I knew I was back at the entrance, slumped against the altar.

    I thought what a cruel and terrible place the world was--the world for me, the world for him--

    Then I remember passing out.

    Aeris' voice awoke me. I staggered blindly to my feet, seeing her enter with Cloud Strife and--

    Dressed in crimson and black, eyes and hair of the same. He was so pale, and yet so beautiful. I felt like I knew him.

    "Tseng? Of the Turks?" Cloud looked at me as if it was impossible I was *hurt*.

    I'd always been a hard one to kill and yet... Here I was.

    "Uh..." I moaned, pain shooting through me. "I've been had." And I fell back to the floor.

    I kept staring at the raven haired man.

     "It's not the Promised Land... Sephiroth's searching for..." I told them. They looked surprised that I would tell them anything.

    Reeve would have wanted it this way...

    The blonde's eyes widened. Looking at him reminded me of Zack. I really liked Zack. I wondered if he was still alive... "Sephiroth? He's inside!?"

    I raised an arm, indicting the altar that was serving as my death bed. Whatever he wanted to believe of it... "Look... for yourself..." I let the arm drop. It hurt too much to lift it.

    All those years, had come to this.

    All those years of hard work and doing terrible things had come to my own slaughter, my own life being torn apart, the questioning of everything I knew.

    And these were the last people I would probably ever see.

    "Damn..." I cursed, shifting uncomfortably. I don't think these terrorists could ever understand that some of us suffered just as they did "Letting Aeris go was the start... of my... bad luck... The President... was wrong..."

    Aeris, she who was once my friend and now my enemy, stepped forward, hands on her slim hips. "You're wrong," she told me, glaring. "The Promised Land isn't like what you imagined."

    I had never imagined it.

    I hadn't even cared.

    And then she turned away. Just like she did then...  "And, I'm not going to help. Either way, there was no way Shinra could have won."

    Good.

    I almost smiled, despite the pain.

      "...Pretty harsh," I commented. "Sounds like something... you'd say." Yes, Aeris, I'll always be Shinra scum to you. But you'll always be the flower girl who helped me out when no one else would. Thank you for that.

    And I then struggled to my feet. There was a way to pay her back--to help her. To help Reeve. I handed Cloud the keystone, and told him where to put it. My voice was starting to fail me, and my breath was coming shorter... I lost my strength and fell down in the corner, doubtful that I would ever get up again.

    Aeris went into the corner too.

    Cloud looked at her strangely and said,  "You crying?"

    She turned, shaking her head. Her eyes were dry, but...  "...Tseng's with our enemy, the Turks, but I've known him since
we were little... There's not a lot of people I can say that about. In fact, there are probably only a handful of people in the world who really know me."

    I shut my eyes. I could say the same. Even now... Even now we could still think the same.

    Cloud was insistent on hurrying ahead, and they got onto the altar.

    I watched them.

    He didn't give me a second look.

    Aeris hurried past, avoiding me.

    The only one to look at me was the strange man.

    He met my eyes, and I stared into the crimson depths for what seemed like forever.

    I had just met Vincent Valentine.

    And just like that, the love of Sephiroth's life was gone from mine.

    I thought there was no greater tragedy.

    My jacket was soaked with blood, and I shrugged it off. I was starting to feel dizzy.

    Leaving it behind, I used my last ounces of strength to crawl from the Temple, and into the surrounding forest.

    I life my life behind me.

    What do you think?

    You've just seen mine, seen *me*.

    Because here I am now, lying against the tree, in a puddle of my own blood, watching some clouds float by in the clear afternoon sky.

    In my hand I hold materia--restore--Cure3--it could probably heal me enough to live, if I want to use it.

    If I want to.

    But I don't know if I do.

    After all-- what use am I to anyone?

    Reeve has Bria, I'm no longer the only one he has. All he cares about is bringing Shinra down, and I, no matter how much I try, cannot go against them!

    By living, I only help the Shinra, not Reeve.

    And I love Reeve more then anything in the world. More then my own life.

    By living... I would kill more. I would go against Reeve further.

    ...And what if I ruined everything he was working so damn hard for?

    Reeve doesn't deserve to fail--not after he had failed with Midgar. Reeve is better then that. He deserves more.

    Reno, Rude and Elena deserve more. I have gotten them into this.

    I have killed people. So, *so* many people.

    And I have done it without shedding so much a drop of my own blood.

    But I can shed it now.

    And here I lie, bleeding still. Thinking about my parents and my siblings, burned to death in a fire. Bryatt, shot down for stealing a few gil. Sephiroth, who...was dead inside, where ever he really was. Zack, who had been so full of life before he ended up half dead on a surgical table back in Nibelheim. Benjamin, who was able to escape without looking back. Brian, who knew what he really wanted and was going after it...

    But most of all, I'm thinking of Reeve.

    He said, so often, that he would die should anything happen to me.

    Maybe that was true once, before she came.

    But now he has someone to live for. Someone besides me. He doesn't need me so much anymore.

    I think he'll be all right.

    And all I ever wanted was to protect him, to help him.

    This is the only way I can help him.

    The only way I can be strong for a change.

    I'm still bleeding. I didn't know I had so much in me...

    I'm squeezing the materia harder in my hand now. It feels so cold...

    I'm feeling lightheaded...

    I would tell Reeve I'm sorry if I could. Tell him I'm sorry that this is the only way I can help him...

    But I am too loyal.

    I always have been, but will be no more.

    At least I know he'll never forget me.

    Twenty-nine years have come to this--twenty-nine years of gasping for a breath of true life, and never finding it--

    --Never quite being able to grasp complete happiness.

    I wonder... I wonder if a lot of people die this way.

    I'm letting my eyes close. It's getting harder to think clearly now...

    I clutch the materia even harder, and bring my closed fist up against my chest. I can feel my heart beating. It's beating quickly.

    I've always been fast.

    "TSENG! RUN!"

    That's Bryatt--he's running to me.

   "RUN! RUN! Just run!"

    I'm screaming his name as he runs past me. Why is he running??

    "Go on. Be happy... Be happy, just like I always wanted you to be. Go! Hurry!"

    Bryatt... Always did know best, didn't he?

    And I can see Reeve smiling. And it's me he's smiling at. And there, in the back, Sephiroth is smiling too.

    "Go! Hurry!"

    And, drawing one last breath, I do run. I run with all my might.

    I've always been a hard one to kill.