But it didn't happen. And five years later, Reeve and I were as close as we had ever been. He still slept in my bed every night, he still held me, and we still made love. Well, I made love. And maybe he did too...in his own way. But nevertheless he was still with me. And I never wanted to let him go--not *ever*. And part of me thought maybe it could stay this way, him and me, living together, sleeping together just like this. But the back of my brain was nagging me, telling me it wouldn't last, and it was only a matter of time....time that was ticking slowly down...

    Reeve was happier when he was with me, and I was glad he was. But still, I knew he was miserable at Shinra. He didn't do anything, and he was never told anything. He just sat there, feeling sorry for himself. I did the best to cheer him up. But sometimes, it was hard.

    So much was on my shoulders. All the things I did... All the terrible, terrible things... It wouldn't truly hit me and knock me down until I was alone. And then all the memories would flood me and drown me and I would drown myself in my tears, trying to cleanse my soul of all that I had done. But the tears only made me feel so much worse. After all, I wasn't supposed to cry. But there I was, sobbing like a lost child. I couldn't even tell you some of the things I had done. They are far too terrible for me to recount. I assure you you would be completely horrified. But I had done them all, and without thinking, without batting an eye. It was my job. But it was after the job that I was suffocating with guilt. And it seemed that my life could not get any worse.

    I was crying again, a pillow in my arms as I choked out my sobs, curled in the fetal position. I couldn't tell you what I did specifically to cause this. It was just the week's worth of events. All of it... All of it I had done and was trying not to remember.

    I had been crying so hard that I didn't hear Reeve come in.

    "Tseng? Tseng!!" he rushed to my side, putting a hand on my back. "Tseng, honey, why are you crying?"

    I couldn't tell him. I couldn't. He couldn't know the things I had done... He would never want to touch me again. I was so corrupted... "Just... Heidegger..." I choked out, barely able to talk as I struggled to slow my tears.

    "Oh?" he rubbed my back gently, not sounding as if he believed me. "Oh, honey, it's not worth crying over."

    If he only knew... It was worth a lot more than crying over... "I can't.... I can't help it..."

    "Tseng..." he stroked my chest and lifted me up so I was cuddled in his arms. And he rocked me like the child I was acting like. "Heidegger's an asshole. Don't worry about him."

  Oh God, Reeve, if you saw what I saw... "I love you, Reeve."

    He kissed my forehead and said, "Love you too."

    If only the words could mean the same thing.

    It seemed to be every night without fail.

    And oh no no--it wasn't a bad thing. No, it was wonderful.

    Sex.

    We were at it again.

    "Oh--oh! Harder!! Harder, please!"

    Reeve found he enjoyed being on top while still remaining on the bottom, if you understand my meaning, so there we were.

    "Ah... Reeve..."

    "Oh, yes... Oh yes... Oh *god*, right there... Oh god, Oh god.... Ugh! Ugh!"

    I loved hearing him cry out in pleasure. There was nothing more beautiful to my ears. And the way he held onto me, god, it was such a great feeling that I can't even begin to describe it.

    Well, I hate to say all things come to an end, but they do, and before I knew it everything had ended, but I still held him in my lap, his head resting on my shoulder. "Reeve..." I let my hands wander up and down his back. "Thank you."

    "Why are you thanking me?" he muttered against my shoulder. "I should be thanking you."

    "Why? I love you, Reeve." I nuzzled against him and added, "I love you, so I love making love to you."

    Reeve looked up, and met my eyes. "I love having sex with you, Tseng. Don't think I'm really...uncomfortable being on this end."

    In response I simply held him close again, not wanting to think about it anymore. "I have a mission tomorrow."

    "What kind of mission?" he muttered against my skin.

    I shut my eyes. A murder. I had not received the exact details yet, but Heidegger had informed me of that much. "Just a job." I kissed the side of his head.

    "It's nothing life threatening, is it?" he asked in alarm, looking up again.

    I stroked the back of his head and told him no. Not for me at least....

    The first wave of nausea swept through me when I read my mission statement.

    I knew I had to kill.

    But no one ever told me I had to kill a child.

    They didn't tell me why. They never tell me why. Why should I know anyway? Did it really matter. I had to do it, and it was not my position to question the reason behind it. They set the rules; I enforced them.

    I'll spare you the details. To even think about it makes me want to hurl up my guts.  It was so late. Early morning. I could barely see. I shot the kid. Just shot him. I emptied my gun.

   But he didn't die. No. Not right away. He was crying, calling out, sobbing with all his might that he might live.

    Without a thought, I robotically got to my knees, and strangled the last life out of him.

    My hands became soaked in his blood.

    But I had done my duty.

    He was dead.

    And my duty was over.

    For a long time I just hung my head, still kneeling besides the body.  But I couldn't cry. I couldn't shed a tear. The tightness in my chest was suffocating, and I clenched my fist with all my might, trying to ignore the shaking. What could this child have possibly done? He was only about ten or eleven. What could he have possibly done to offend a gigantic company like Shinra Inc. so very much? Was he only a pawn in a larger game? The child of someone against the company, perhaps? And this had been Shinra's choice of getting back. Killing a loved one. What kind of immoral plans was I carrying out for them? This thought made me angry. I had a choice, didn't I? I didn't have to do this. I didn't have to put their sins on *my* soul.

    Or was there a choice?

    My anger faded to sadness.

    Sadness for the child.

    And sadness for me.

    Somehow I rose and went home, keeping the blood drying on my hands. I couldn't bring myself to wipe it off. The sins couldn't be washed away that easily. There was no easy way to purge my soul.

    All I thought about was cleaning myself, stepping into the shower and scraping my skin away until I bled myself.

    I deserved it.

    I was aware of nothing besides the heavy feeling in his chest that gave him the heavy feeling that was weighing me down in my chest.

    As soon as I stepped inside, I went straight for the bathroom, not taking notice of anything around me.

    I had to wash my hands.

    So I did, and quite calmly. My head was throbbing, and I felt hot and cold all over. I was dizzy, and tried not to vomit. It was a struggle.

    Then I remembered Reeve. It was far past midnight, I had come in with blood on my hands.

    What must he be thinking?

    I didn't want to know, and I quickly turned and shut the door,  beginning to strip myself. I felt my heartbeat pick up as I heard Reeve's footsteps quickly coming towards the door. He banged on it and called my name. "Tseng! What's wrong?! Let me in!" Harder he pounded.

    I started to cry. My mind was a muddle mess of thoughts. I killed a child, and why?!?!--WHY?!?!

    I hated myself. I HATED myself.

    Dropping my shirt, I turned the shower on, doubling over with sobs. I could barely see behind my tears, and I couldn't  strip myself any further because my hands were shaking so badly.  How much was my life worth? More than that child's? No--couldn't be. Not with all I had done. And yet, my life was important enough--this life where I *killed* the innocent--*this* was important enough that I was willing to do all this?? What was worth this??

    Reeve was banging on the door with all his might, demanding that I open it, or he would knock it in.

  Reeve...how can I face you now, when I barely even deserve to live?

    The door was kicked, hard, and I jumped, so startled my tears ceased a moment.

    "NOW!!!" roared Reeve, causing me to shudder.

    I guess I needed Reeve. Could I make him understand?

    Oh fuck it--I just wanted to hold him and lose myself. Maybe he could convince me I had some worth.

    I opened the door, and he barged in, looking for me. And there he was, my best friend, looking so concerned for me. I couldn't support myself. "Reeve..." I held out my arms, and stumbled into his. He grabbed me, and held me, and I sobbed as he stroked my hair.

     "Oh my god... Oh my god, Tseng. What happened? What happened?"

      "I..." How to start? How to go about explaining a pain so deep? I was holding onto him so hard it hurt, and the entire world had collapsed down to the steady presence of Reeve beneath my fingers and the stabbing pain in my soul. "Reeve... I... I..." Finally I just blurted it out, shouted like it was an interrogation rather than my friend trying to console me. I should not have felt that way. No one should ever feel like their life has become a collection of things they are sorry for. But that is how I felt all the same. "I didn't want to do it! I didn't have a choice!"

    "Shush...." His voice was soft, and such a comfort to me as he cupped my face in his hands, bringing our eyes to a meeting. God, those eyes... My tears stopped a little as I became captivated by their beauty. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thanked whatever was responsible for giving Reeve such beautiful eyes. "Tseng.... My dear, dear friend.... What did you do?"

    What did you do. What *didn't* I do? I had no intention of denying Reeve of the truth. Slowly, I began, trembling so hard I was surprised I was still standing. "I... I killed someone.... I broke their neck.... There was blood everywhere, Reeve...." But it wasn't just *someone*.... This would be the hardest part of all... How could he even look at me---I...I killed-- "And this... And this... Oh gods, Reeve, it was a child." My heart stopped with the pain. I half expected to be pushed away in disgust, seeing the expression that told me Reeve never wanted to be seen with someone so horribly *twisted* ever again in his life.

   And Reeve didn't say anything. Not a word. I felt him sway in my arms, and for a moment it seemed his own heart was silent against mine. I dared not to look up at him, feeling desperate to make him understand now, hoping that in some way he could offer me some kind of help---I needed some so desperately. *Something*--I didn't even know what it was.

    I did the only thing I could.

    I laid my soul upon the carving table, and I pleaded.

    "Why?" I asked the question that seemed to sum it all up to concisely. "Why is it that by giving me my life I have to take others? Is this the price I paid to live again?  To take others in exchange? Is it worth it? " Then I looked at him. I grabbed his face in my hands and held it nearly against mine, seeing his blank expression as I continued to whisper the confession I never would have bared to another human being. "Reeve... I would never turn down this job if I had to do it all over again, Reeve. But I sometimes wish that I had never made it far enough to make that decision. I wish I had died in that fire with my family so that no one else would have to die because I killed them-- because someone else told me to take their life away just because they had saved mine. " Yes... Ah... The words seemed so perfect to me. If only I had *died*, I could never hurt anyone. Maybe that was what that fire was for. To kill me, so that others could live. But somehow something had gone array, and here I am, doing the work of the devil. Yes, yes, that must be it, I decided wearily. I signed myself over to the devil--Shinra--he--it----something wanted me alive for this, and here I am....right in the trap... " I almost wish someone would break my neck... Just like I did to that poor child..."

  Despite how close we were, I could barely detect that Reeve was breathing at all. But I could see that he was crying, silently, the crystal tears running down his face, which looked so ashen in the bathroom light. It broke my heart to bring him pain. That was *not* what I wanted--EVER. Reeve didn't deserve my pain, what little he had done was the work of a saint compared what I had been responsible for... And forever. It would be on my soul forever, with nothing to be rid of it. And--ha!--I had taught others to be like me! Led the innocent down the path of self loathing. And really, wasn't that the worst evil of all?

    "Reeve..." I went on, my voice barely able to work anymore, continuing to slice up my soul and offer it for examination.  "I just want to wash it all away... Wash away the guilt. But I can't. Do you see the price I have had to pay to live?  I've killed more people than I can count without so much as a second thought at the time. And I taught others to do the same thing. I taught two perfectly innocent kids with good souls how to kill." For a moment I thought about Reno and Rude, and how happy they were to be where they were just so they wouldn't be left on the streets to die. And that's how I had been, how I had been saved. And I was saved, really, from the worst death one can face. And here I was. Oh, the irony. How I hated what I had become, but how I needed it--needed it all. When you're starving, you'll take anything that comes along. That was something I knew all too well. "And you know what? I would do it again." I admitted honestly, hating myself knowing so. "I would do it over a million times if I was in that position again. I don't regret it. I just wish I could have died before that... So I wouldn't have had to come here and do this to myself. So I wouldn't have to live like this with all this guilt." Reeve looked paler than I could ever remember. My Reeve---my perfect love--what must he think of me now? All those things he beats himself over... Can't he understand? I finished with the last of my voice, wearily, trying to ease his own pain. "That is why I am a bad person. Why *I* am a bad person, and why  you aren't."

   Reeve caught me by surprise as he brought our foreheads together, those pure tears still falling from those pretty eyes. "You taught them like you were taught, Tseng. Just as Sephiroth taught you. And just as someone before him taught him. It's all part of the system... All part of this horrible, horrible system we're trapped into. There are those of us who want this, and those of us who have no choice." He took a pause to brush away my tears with his thumbs, but I hardly reacted, completely numb from his words.  "Tseng, I know you did bad things, but please don't wish you were dead. *Please*.  I don't blame you for taking this job, and I don't blame you for you loyalty. It was the position you were in. We were all desperate. And we still are." He was right. He was. And that was the comfort I needed, at least for now. He did understand, he did.  I *was* desperate. Desperate for so much... He punctuated it by kissing me. "Please... It's hard...but...but try not to think about it."

    "Ah... Reeve...." I returned the kiss, crying more gently now. "I love you.... I love you more than words can describe." A moan escaped my lips as again I kissed him, needing more from him than even the physical contact could give me. Yes, there weren't words, hardly even actions for how much I loved him.

  Reeve pulled me against him, continuing our kiss before he pulled away to whisper, "Jes vous aime."

    I had been hearing the foreign words so often now, and I always asked the same question,  "Reeve.... What does that mean?"

    But it was always the same answer. "Nothing."

    I hated myself very much. I would sit on my office when I was on a break and just cry. When I was on duty I shut myself off, and I became their robot. I was crueler and colder than usual. I think Reno and Rude noticed the change, but they didn't comment on it. We all had two sides to us, each of us who they called the Turks. My side was just so much darker and so much different than I was. I had always realized I became another person, but, I think the entire thing just fell into place at very strange time.

    Reeve was trying to initiate sex. And he was trying very hard. Usually he didn't have to try at all. All he would have to do was give me that 'come hither' look and we'd go at it till we couldn't move. But my mind just wasn't there tonight. My body was--my blood was pulsing, and it just wanted to jump him--but my mind won over, and I was very far away indeed.

    We were sitting on my bed, and he was sucking hard at the side of my throat, probably leaving marks. I yielded my skin to him, but nothing more. I was vaguely aware of what he was doing at all.

    I thought of how I had been acting lately, of how on duty it seemed no human emotion could reach me at all. I called myself a robot--but that wasn't it. Not quite.

    You are a Turk now. You work on for Shinra Inc. You are a Turk now, and don't you forget it.

        You are to do whatever Shinra Inc. asks of you, whenever you are asked and to the best of your ability. You are to never question your orders, or the authority that gave you those orders.. You are to work without questions.

    You are not to feel sorry or display any type of weakness. You are to be cool, calm and collected and efficient. Turks are serious about their work. You are to never look back and never thing twice. Turks don't cry.

    You are a Turk without question. It is your life now. You will remain a Turk, unquestioningly loyal supporter of Shinra Inc. until the day you die. Never forget it for a moment.

    --That. The Turk oath. The words they drilled into my brain, and the words I repeated, eagerly, happily. I was fifteen. What did I know then? That had been nearly half a lifetime ago. I didn't understand the true, underlying value to those words. Don't cry. Don't question. Show no emotion. None. You are a Turk now, a *Turk*, and don't you forget it.

    A *Turk*.

    And then the truth hit me so fast, and I shuddered in pain. How can Reeve even *touch* me?

    It was that point he must have realized something was *really* wrong.  There he was, worshipping my neck with his lips for about ten minutes with *no* reaction from me? It was extremely out of character. At least....for the real me...whoever that was...

    "Tseng, is something the matter?"

    I didn't answer. I couldn't. How could I tell him that my entire *existence* was the matter, and that if he knew what I *really* was, he couldn't bear to be near me anymore. Oh yes, part of me wanted to cry so badly...

    "Tseng!" He grew impatient with my silence and grabbed my face in his hand, forcing our eyes to meet. I saw the look of shock pass over his face as I looked at him coldly--just like Turk Tseng would look at him--without a shred of emotion.  But I *was* Turk Tseng. At least I-- "What the hell's the matter??"

    And I lost it. I couldn't take him looking at me anymore like that--without knowing what I really *was*--or was supposed to be. Angrily I shoved my love away. "How can you even touch me??"

    "What do you mean?" Reeve looked shocked, and I didn't blame him. This had all come out of nowhere, for him, and for me.

    "How can you touch me, Reeve?" I repeated, voice cold enough to shatter ice. The next line was difficult to speak, it was something no one should ever have to say, and yet the truth behind it forced me to say, "I'm not even human."

    "What the hell are you talking about??"

    Reeve tried to move closer, but I just got up, suddenly unable to be near him. More from the fact that I was a *monster*, and didn't deserve to... "I'm not even human, Reeve," I repeated, feeling the emotion of my realization swell within me. Could he understand? Could I even explain it? Why was I even bothering? I didn't know the answer to the latter, but I felt compelled to spill it out. If I had to keep Shinra's secrets from Reeve, I could not keep my own. And the words flowed. "It never sunk in before now. When I joined the Turks, they told me that I was a Turk now and not to forget it. When I taught Reno and Rude I told them the same thing. I didn't give a second thought to what I was telling them, and I bet they don't even realize it." Suddenly there were tears in his eyes as his mask slipped away. He pointed at himself as he continued. "I am not human anymore, Reeve. I'm a Turk. I'm a murderer, and a sneak and a liar and a kidnapper. I don't *deserve* to be called human anymore. I have to use the name Shinra gave me. I'm a Turk." By this point I couldn't hold on anymore, and a choked back sob made it's way from my throat. I covered my mouth a moment, before taking it away once more, *struggling* to restrain my tears. Here I was again, confusing who I was....who I was supposed to be... "And I can't forget it."

    Reeve hissed a curse and didn't waste a moment getting up from bed and embracing me. I didn't draw away. I couldn't. I was so glad he was still willing to, that I just collapsed in sobs on his shoulder. He spoke to me and said, "Tseng... Tseng... Please... If you weren't human you wouldn't be able to cry." He held me closer, a hand resting comfortably on the back of my head.

    Didn't he know? Couldn't he see the *guilt* every time I shred a tear? It made me cry harder.  Pulling away I took his face in my hands, smoothing it and fearing for a second that it might not be real and melt away under my fingers. "That's just it, Reeve. I'm not supposed to. They told me Turks don't cry. That they're not supposed to feel sorry and are to act as they are told. But Sephiroth told me different. He said that I should cry all I want to, because it is part of our humanity. You see, Reeve? You see? He knew what I was." I shook my head, remembering those words well. I remembered everything he ever said. The night I said those words was the first time I admitted to anyone other than myself that I loved Reeve. It seemed so long ago, back in a time where I was just eighteen years old--a kid--the night I killed my first....human being.  "But it didn't matter what he said. Every time I cry I feel ashamed nonetheless. I feel ashamed because I can't stop crying and Shinra told me not to. They saved my life, and I can't follow every order."

    "Tseng... I... I..."

   Reeve didn't know what to say, and I didn't blame him. How could I get him to understand me? "That's why... That's why I don't deserve you." I turned my back, clenching my jaw at the stinging feeling of a tear running down my cheek.

    Then I heard him say, "Tseng, I..." And I jumped slightly, taken off guard as he embraced me from behind, as tightly as he could, his cheek pressed against my back, crying himself.  God, what have I done to him?? "Please, Tseng! Please don't talk like that anymore! I don't know what to say except that I need you and to fuck the Shinra! They don't care for us any more than they do for the people in Midgar! They may have saved your life, but only for their own god damn good! You should hate them! You should hate them... Like I do."

    He hated them. He did. He came right out and said it. I *hate* Shinra. And when he said 'them'...he didn't mean me. He *needed* me. He said it. If I wasn't *them*, who was? I shut my eyes, feeling at a strange kind of peace as I sighed, leaning back into Reeve's comforting arms. Reeve was right. Every word. I *should* hate them. I had every human instinct to. But I wasn't human, was I. "I can't I can't hate them, Reeve. No matter what. I won't stop them." No, I never could. And that's when I realized how weak I really was. For every once of physical strength, I had no true strength. None. Shinra had taken that away from me, and for that, I wished, vaguely, that someone would destroy them. Softly I whispered, hoping that he wouldn't hear me, my only shred of inner strength, "but I wish someone would stop me."

    And one more person knew, Ben. He walked in on Reeve giving me a blowjob on the night of the halloween party a year ago. The door wasn't opening, and he got suspicious. Since he still had keys to my place, he went in, and low and behold, there we were on the couch. Needless to say that took quite a bit of explaining. I had to tell Ben the truth. Reeve threw a huge fit, and avoided Ben completely for a good five months afterward. Not that Ben had said a word! I'd trust him with my life.  Ben never said so in front of Reeve, but, I know he didn't think of our relationship as healthy. It really wasn't. Reeve hurt me a lot, and he didn't even know it.  He would make comments about girls right around me, and ignore me completely around others with high ranking positions. And even though I knew I shouldn't be hurt by these things, I was just the same. I wasn't getting used, no, even though it seemed that way sometimes. Because for everything that Reeve did to make me want to cry, he did two things that made me want to smile. Every once in awhile he would do things for me that I would never expect from him. And it was in those moments, a thought would flash across my mind, 'you know, maybe he really loves me'. But that would always go away. I couldn't let my wishful thinking get in the way of what I knew to be true. It is often said, and it's very true. The truth hurts.

    It hurt me more than I was willing to admit to anyone, even myself. Reeve would never be mine forever.

    But he was mine for now, and in my own little world, I would sometimes pretend that it would never end.

    It wasn't quite Shinra itself, it was AVALANCHE. They were so intent on destroying the company, that it scared me.  As much....deep down....somewhere...I hated Shinra, I didn't want it to go. I needed it to live. There was no job for me anywhere else if it was destroyed. Yet another way I had signed away my life.

    One sunny afternoon I was at my desk, bored, my head in my hands, and trying to keep my mind a blank.  My thoughts lately had been far from pleasant. Sometimes when I was alone like that I tried to think of happier times, back when I was younger and I didn't think about Shinra at all. I thought about sex, and.....sex. I did think about that a lot. And hell, that was better than thinking about wondering if you were better off dead.

    The knock that came to my door was more than welcomed, and I think the : "Come in!" I called was a display of that. I was glad to see Ben as he entered, looking as good as he always had. Lately I found myself thinking about him a lot, and wondered if he, maybe, would still want to marry me one day. Reeve certainly never would, and after I was done fooling myself about it, I wouldn't want to be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe...maybe it was okay to marry someone you really liked a whole lot. I knew together, we would be pretty content.

    But I always dismissed that thought from my mind. I had hurt him once, didn't I? There was always a chance for him  to meet and find true love with someone else. I would never want to deny him that chance by sticking him in a marriage.

    "Hi, Tseng," he said, his voice lacking the freindly quality it usually contained.

    I frowned and got up from my chair. "Hi, Ben. Are you okay? You seem dismal."

    "I am." I watched as he walked over to my side, and I sat back on my desk as he stood in front of me, hands restless in front of him. "I...I have something to tell you."

    Immediately I feared the worst, that maybe he had a disease and was dying or something completely awful like that. Panicking I took both his hands in mine. "What?? What is it?"

    He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I'm going to quit."

    For a moment I didn't even understand. Quit? Quit his job? Quit Shinra? I couldn't remember anyone quitting on their own free will. Ben had been working for Shinra longer than I had. Now he was just going to *leave*? "What?"

    "I'm going to quit after the halloween ball, because that's when Heidegger will be in the best mood." He sighed, slipping his hands away from mine and running one through his hair. Ben looked tired to me all of the sudden, and I could tell that he had been thinking about this for a long time. "I can't do it anymore. I tell people what I work for, and they make faces. AVALANCHE isn't alone, Tseng. The whole city hates us. And that's just Midgar. Imagine what Junon and Rocket Town think of us, not to mention Gongaga." The last one was especially true. Shinra wouldn't even hire anyone from the town where the reactor exploded. "I can't go on like this. I don't need Shinra. I can start my own business. That's what I went to college for." Turning, he met my eyes, and I saw immediately he was pleading. "I can't stay here anymore, Tseng. I hate it. I was hoping you'd understand. I trust that you won't tell anyone the real reason why I'm...quitting. I just--every second in this building makes my skin crawl, because I know what's going on."

    I didn't blame him. Not at all. In fact, I envied him. Envied him because he could get away, and I couldn't. "I won't tell," I swore softly, looking at him so completely that he was nearly out of focus. "...G-Good luck on your own, Ben." I felt tears burning in my eyes, and I was glad I wasn't on duty. Turning quickly away from him, I griped the desk for strength, and clenching my eyes shut for stability. He could get away, and get a life, and I couldn't. I was *trapped*.

    His fingers brushed briefly at my waist before he embraced me from behind, wrapping his arms around me. I lost my battle at this gesture, and the tears came down my face as I cried silently. I heard his voice in my ear. "Tseng, you don't have to say it, but I know how you feel about them. There's still a way for you."

    Them. Them. Wasn't I *them*??

    "Quit, and come with me," he said softly, the feel of his breath in my ear causing me to tremble. "I'm going back to Wutai. You can come, and I'll take care of you. I'll make plenty of money." He paused, voice growing weak as he sighed, "I'm still in love with you, Tseng."

    I couldn't remember being more tempted in my life. I could do it. I could quit and run away with Ben to Wutai and live out the rest of my life without Shinra with someone who loved me.

    But I didn't love him. And he couldn't love me enough. He just couldn't. I wasn't right for him. And most of all, I just couldn't leave Reeve. Ever. He needed me, and I would stick by him till my one last breath left my body. Wearily I shook my head, turning in his arms to face him, crying still. "I can't," I whispered, voice choked from my tears. "I'm sorry, Ben. I... I... I just can't. I have to stay with Reeve."

    Ben rested his forehead against mine, hazel eyes firm and steady as he said, "Don't let him hurt you."

    "He won't," I said, even though I knew it was a lie.

    "I love you."

    I leaned forward and gave him a kiss, but it was nothing more than an expression of friendship. Just a simple brush of our lips. Ben shut his eyes and leaned forward for another, which I granted, and then straightened and opened his eyes.

    A moment of silence passed between us, and my tears were stopping. Forcing a smile, I grabbed hold of his arm and asked lightly, "So. What are you being for Halloween?"

    I needed something to give me a good laugh.

    I was in the bedroom, putting the finishing touches on my costume, mainly, the pig tail braids. Yes, it was the same costume I had worn all those years ago that Sephiroth had picked out for me, makeup and all. Except this time I went without the pantyhose. I never needed it to begin with.

    "Ready?" Reeve called from the sitting room. He was going as James Bond. Easy enough, a tuxedo and his hair slicked back. I knew without even seeing him that he looked drop dead gorgeous.

    "Uh huh." I answered, smoothing over my skirt and giving myself a once over. Yes, it was actually kind of sad what an attractive woman I made. "Coming!" And I swung the door open.

    Reeve stared at me. Then he blinked. Twice. "*That* looks familiar."

    "It should." I gave him a coy grin and walked right past him, knowing that he was following me with his eyes.

    "Oh god," moaned Reeve in desire, following me. "Tell me you're still mine tonight."

    He thought I was his? Well, I was, but... "I am." I answered simply, brushing away a lock of my hair as I stood in front of the mirror in the hallway.

    Reeve came up behind me and grabbed me around the waist. I cried out in surprise, and moaned as he put his lips against my ear and whispered, "I'm already planning all the things I'm going to do to you later."

    I moaned, selfishly thinking he'd get drunk enough to fuck me. Then again, I wouldn't let him do that. Somehow....I would work really hard and manage to restrain myself if that happened. "Oh, Reeve, I--"

    There was a knock at the door. Ben was here.

    "Better get it before he comes in," Reeve mumbled unhappily, freeing me.

    I got the door, and there was Ben, smiling and dressed as a prince, crown a all. He looked sexy of course, but not quite as sexy as Reeve.

    "Don't we look beautiful this evening," Ben greeted me, taking my hand and pressing a kiss to the back of it.

    "My lord," I said, batting my eyelashes fakely. "Have you met Mr. Bond?"

    Ben glanced at Reeve and looked him over. "It is you that has stolen mine lady's heart, isn't it?" he accused playfully.

    I didn't expect Reeve to play along. I expected him to scowl and insist we leave. But instead he grabbed me firmly around the waist and held me against his hip. "It was me. And she loves me with all her heart, don't you, lady-mine?"

    "Oh yes," I sighed, looking him in the eyes.

    And I was even more surprised as he leaned and kissed me, full on lips.  It didn't last very long, but still, Reeve hadn't kissed me in front of anyone on purpose since he did it in front of Sephiroth as an act of possession. He maintained I wasn't his, and yet he did things like this to confuse me. Sometimes I truly didn't know what to think.

    Ben was surprised too, and he gaped as we turned back to face him. "Well... You guys ready?"

    "Time for another memorable party," Reeve commented as we headed out the door together.

    As we were leaving, it occurred to me that Reeve still didn't know this was Ben's last.

    Reno and Rude recognized me immediately and came right over. Reno, grinning from ear to ear, was a devil as he was every year. It suited him. Rude, never one for dressing up, wore a clown wig atop his bald head. For him, that was enough of a costume.

    "Hey, Tseng!" Reno said brightly. "You've done it again, huh? And you're as sexy as you ever was!"

   I couldn't resist playing along with him, and I batted my eyelashes at him. "And I dare say you're as handsome as I remember."  This is probably making you wonder whether I actually found him attractive or not. My answer is really no, Reno's not really my type. He's not a bad looking guy, but I never desired him. Now, I would be lying if I didn't think the President's son, Rufus, was beautiful, because he really was. But in my mind everyone paled compared to Reeve.

    He laughed and shook my hand. "You're cool, man. Hey--wanna drink?"

    "In a little while," I told him.

    "All right, man. See ya later." He ran off, and Rude nodded at me before doing the same.

    Reeve scanned the room with a neutral expression. "It seems less crowded than usual."

    I glanced at Ben and he simply nodded. That's when I realized a lot of people had quit.

    "How about that drink?" I suggested, deciding that I had to get some liquor in me before things got too uncomfortable.

    Ben and Reeve nodded and spoke in unison. "Good idea."

    A silence went by between us and I stared down at my drink, watching the bubbles absently as I thought about how much I would miss Ben. He looked downcast himself, and I wondered if he was thinking about leaving this all behind. "Ben." He looked at me, eyebrows raised. "You okay?"

    "Yeah," he said, but he didn't sound so sure. A slower song began to play, and my friend glanced from the dance floor to me before asking, "Would you like to dance?"

    Reeve eyes widened, and I could tell he thought it would be *shocking* if I agreed to dance with a man to a *slow* song in front of all these people. "Sure," I answered immediately.

    Had Reeve's jaw not been attached to his face, it would have hit the counter.

    We went to the floor, and I stepped into Ben's arms, comforted by the way he held me close. No one was looking at us, or giving us weird looks. I wondered how much of that had to do with the fact that I was dressed as a girl.

    "I left my letter of resignation on Heidegger's desk this afternoon," Ben said softly, whispering in my ear as we swayed to the music. "He'll see it Monday. My office is already cleared out."

    I clutched him closer, resting my head on his shoulder and caring less about how might be staring at us. "I'm going to miss you," I whispered.

    "And you know I'll miss you." His hands gently began to slide up and down my spine, causing me to sigh. "But it's not as if you can't ever come see me." At that he pulled away, and removed one arm from around my waist for a moment and removed a slip of paper from his pocket. "My address in Wutai." He pressed it into my palm, and I glanced down at it. "If you ever need anything, you know I'm there for you."

    I tucked the paper away safely in my pocket and then looked up at him, allowing him to once more take me into his arms. "Thank you, Ben. You're such a good friend to me."

    "I love you," he said simply, and, leaning closer he said into my ear, "I hope Reeve never leaves you. I hope he comes to his senses and realizes he loves you, Tseng. Because you deserve it. You deserve it so much."

    I can't really say just how wonderful those words made me feel. It's hard to explain gratitude. So I used actions instead, and gave him a quick kiss. On the lips. And if anyone saw us, all the better. "As a friend, I love you dearly, Ben," I assured him. "I'm sorry I can't give you any more."

    The song ended, and he separated from me, patting my shoulder with a smile. "It's enough, Tseng. It's enough. I'll come see you tomorrow before I leave, okay?"

    I nodded silently.

    Reeve was staring at us when we returned, and was in a sort of daze until we were seated again.

    "What was that all about?" he asked finally, following a silence.

    I looked down at my champagne again, trying to ignore the feeling of loss setting in already. I dared not look at Ben again, for fear that I would cry.  As an afterthought, I answered Reeve. "Just some old stuff."

    "Mmmm...... Mmmm....."

    "Ow!"

    "Oh--sorry."

    "Reeve... Oh--ow--no, don't do that."

    "But I thought you liked that."

    "I usually do it's just...ugh...I don't know."

    It wasn't so often that I couldn't get it up either, but sexually this was not turning out to be a good night for me.

    "What's wrong?"

    I sat up, glad to be out from under the covers and have fresh air in my lungs. "I don't know... I just don't..."

    "Just don't what?" He asked, coming up and reaching for my shoulder.

    I moved away. "I just don't feel like being touched."

    "What?" he was confused, and I didn't blame him. "What happened tonight?"

    I sighed sadly bringing my knees to my chest and curling up. "Ben quit."

    "What??"

     "Ben quit Shinra. He's leaving Midgar tomorrow," I told him. "He's going to Wutai."

    My love gaped for a moment, before he turned his head, "He's smart."

    "I'm going to miss him," I said softly, not expecting him to hear me.

    "I'm sorry," Reeve said, and I could feel him looking my way again. Then, almost as an afterthought, he added, "I'll miss him too. There aren't too many friends left, are there?"

    I wasn't really losing Ben. I mean he wasn't dying. But I felt like he was all the same. Because he was escaping Shinra. And how knows when I would get a chance to see him again.

    One by one they were all leaving me behind.

    My head snapped in Reeve's direction. He was looking away from me, and I said desperately, "Reeve, promise you'll never go away from me."

    His head snapped up too, and he looked at me in shock. "What do you mean?"

    "Don't leave me alone," I begged him, placing a hand on his arm. "Even if you don't want me like--this--anymore," and I placed a hand on his upper thigh to punctuate my statement, "Promise me you'll always be my friend."

    "Of course I will," he answered sincerely, covering the hand on his leg with his own. "You're my best friend in the world--I wouldn't leave you for anything. Not *anything*, Tseng."

    "And I won't leave you," I promised him. "I love you, Reeve."

    "You're the only one I can really trust around here anymore." He leaned closer to me, and I let him. "You've been the only one I could rely on this whole time." He took my hand, squeezed it, and said, "I love you too. You know how I mean it. And right now I *really* *REALLY* want you." I had to smile at that. "Are you okay now, or...?"

    My mood had changed and already I could feel aroused at the way he was looking at me. "I'm okay," I said with a coy smile, reaching between his legs. "How about you?"

    Reeve smiled back and batted my hand away-- a move which surprised me. Instead he moved quickly, pinning me to the mattress and placing a deep kiss to my parted lips. "I'm not drunk this time," he said.

    I laughed at that, but those quickly changed to moans as he moved down and latched on to a nipple. Without taking his attention from me he reached down and pulled the covers over us both.

    I was more into it this time, but Reeve still made sure to be extra gentle and to cater to me first. He knew *just* where to press his lips, and *just* where to put his fingers. No one I had ever been with knew my body better than he did, and I, in turn, am proud to say, that I knew his just as well.

    In the......commotion of all the events that followed, I completely forgot my questions about the tricky parts of our unusual relationship.

    I fell asleep in his arms.

    "No, sir." But I knew it was a lot.

    "More than you can count, you undereducated moron."

    Later, I would cry over that, as I always did.  Yes, Heidegger, sir, make me feel even worse that my HOUSE burned down when I was ten and I spent my early teen years on the street struggling to live. And I knew how to count just fine too.

    But those thoughts for later. Right then, Turk Tseng said, "Of course, sir. I'm sorry to hear that." If he asked me to get down on my knees and lick the dirt off the floor, I would have. I had to.

    "God dammit!" He slammed the paper down on the desk and pounded it, cursing. "Fuck! Fuck! What's the President gonna say?"

    Then he turned around and punched me.

    I don't think I have to make it obvious that Heidegger beat me up. A lot. I remember the very day after Hojo raped me, Heidegger beat the hell out of me for coming to work a little late. Another time he beat me in front of Reno and Rude for not training them fast enough. That certainly taught my new comrades a lesson in what it was like to be a Turk. Yes, the punch did hurt me, but I barely felt it at the moment. I'd had much worse. I knew by the throbbing that I would have a lovely bruise on my cheek later.

    Heidegger panted, glaring at me. I looked squarely at him, as if he hadn't just hit me a moment ago. I was only vaguely aware of the throbbing where his fist had connected with my face. "You fucking cocksucker. Get out of my face."

    Hm. Well, I had the day off. But I, quite obviously, *hated* that damn derogatory comment. Heidegger threw his fair share at me when he was pissed off, and I heard quite a few from Scarlet too. But I would have to deal with my anger over that later. Because for now, all I could do was say, "Yes, sir," and turn and walk out the door, going off duty.

    The door shut.

    I choked back a sob and put my hands over my mouth to muffle it. Thankfully the hall was empty. My face hurt a lot, and my insides hurt too, from his comments. I got this all the time, I heard this shit all the time---so WHY WASN'T I USED TO IT? Why could I take it when I was in that office, but a step outside of it and I had to fight off a wave of physical and emotional pain. God, with every once of strength I knew I had to fight when I was on duty, I had *none* elsewhere. None. I would never fight back. The same mean comments always got to me. But it had to be this way. I knew it did. Because I didn't... I didn't want to be...

    I didn't want to be *him*.

    I didn't want to turn into Turk Tseng. I didn't want to be void of emotion, I didn't want to feel NOTHING--not even physical pain. I didn't want to become that.

    ...Then why do you always feel guilty for crying?

    I clutched at my heart and panted at the strength of my own thoughts. Deep down inside me--buried, somewhere, I didn't want to be what Shinra wanted. Not at all.

    But in the same way, I HAD to be. I didn't have a choice.

    I was a Turk, no matter what I wanted to be, and I would be one till my one last breath left my body. I couldn't go against the Shinra anymore than I could stop loving Reeve.

    Somehow I forced myself not to think about it. Ben had promised to come see me today, but since I was free and in desperate need of company. I decided I would go see him.

    But before I did, there was something I had to do first.

    Because I *did* have emotions. And damn powerful ones at that.

    I knocked on the door to Reeve's office, and turned the handle when I heard him call to come in. The hall was empty, and I opened the door just to stick my head in.

    Reeve blinked for a moment. "Oh, Tseng. I--"

    "I just wanted to tell you that I love you, Reeve."

    He seemed a little confused, and I guess I couldn't blame him. I mean, I told him I loved him all the time, even if it maybe was a bit too much. But I couldn't help it. It was just... Just the way I was.

    Reeve got up. "Tseng, wait a second. I--"

    "I have to go. I'll see you at home." I blew him a quick kiss and shut his door again.

    And for some odd reason, I felt very pleased with myself.

    "Okay, Ben."

    "I love you."

    I grabbed him and held him as tight as I could. "I'm going to miss you so much."

    Ben was gone. And now it was down to me and Reeve.

    I was lying on the bed we shared, naked because clothes seemed to bother me suddenly, just staring at the ceiling, and thinking back.

    Bryatt, Sephiroth, Ben and Reeve.

    Loved me, couldn't love me, thinks he loves me, can't love me.

    Reeve.

    I didn't feel like thinking about Reeve for a change. I thought about him so often. And I hadn't lost him........yet.

    I didn't want to think about that.

    Ben.

    I adored Ben, and he adored me. He didn't love me enough. He couldn't. The way he looked at me was the same I looked at him. I loved him, as a friend. And of course I found him attractive. Mix those together, and there you have it: a friend you love who you can conveniently have sex with! That's how I felt about Ben, and that's how he felt about me. It had to be. Friendship and love can be such a fine line sometimes... Not everyone has such an easy time telling one side from the other.

    Sephiroth.

    I loved him too, in the same way I loved Ben. He felt the same and always knew he felt that way. With us there had been no broken hearts. It was such an easy relationship. Plus, I always looked up to him. He was so much more than a friend to me, so much more than a lover. He was a mentor, and he taught me so much. ...And now he was gone. And I missed him. I missed him so much.

    Bryatt.

    Ah... Bryatt. He really did love me. I never doubted that for a second. My feelings for Bryatt were a bit stronger than the ones I held for Ben and Sephiroth. I loved Bryatt. I loved Bryatt in the way you loved a first love... In that way that's not quite true love, but the way it always touches your heart, and every time you think about your intimacy, you still long for it, if only because you remember how wonderful it was to feel wanted and desired and *loved* for the first time.

    And I never told him.

    Bryatt really showed me what it was to live again. He had so much life in him. He was smart and kind and honest and loving and understanding, and --god-- *beautiful*. I could still remember laying eyes on him for the first time...and that tingling feeling that spread throughout my body at the instant attraction. I was so young and innocent, that even as I was vaguely thinking, 'I want to end up naked with him', I didn't know what that would entail.

    But he taught me. Yes, technically, we never had 'sex'. But I still had him more completely than I ever had anyone.

    Because he gave me all his love.

    It was--what?--fouteen years later, nearly half a life time, and I could still remember our first intimate experience as clearly as if it had happened only hours ago...

    Bryatt lifted my shirt over my head, and then put his hands on my shoulders, leaning in to kiss my neck. I moaned and leaned my head back. He didn't say a word as he kissed downward, slowly, producing gasps from me as I was overwhelmed by the heat of my own body. My hands tangled in his brown hair, my breath coming in shallower gasps as his lovely lips brushed down past my collar bone and onto my chest. I moaned a little louder, arching to those lips and shivering as his hands grasped my hips.

    I had never felt so many emotions at once. What I felt from him, what I felt from inside me, it was all strange and new, and I loved it.

    His lips closed over a nipple, and I gasped, not expecting that to produce such pleasure.

    "Oh...Bryatt..."  I leaned my head back, running my fingers through his soft hair.

    He said nothing. His hands felt cool on my skin, and I was sweating and arching to his every touch.

    Bryatt finally looked up at me, reaching up to cup my cheek in his hand. "You're so beautiful."

    He leaned in to kiss me again, and he pressed his body to mine.

    Another gasp made it's way from my throat as I felt his hardness against my leg.

    Already I wanted the thing I had only read about. I was just barely fifteen years old, I was hot and hard, and I wanted release. I didn't know what it felt like. I had never touched myself before--

    But I was going to have to touch myself in a minute if I kept thinking about it. With a sigh I turned over on my stomach.

    My train of thought changed a little, but no entirely.

    I still had that poem Bryatt gave me that same birthday we had each other for the first time. I kept it in my coat pocket. I also had it memorized.  He had had such an incredible talent.

    I tried to write poetry sometimes, when I felt inspired. I didn't like my own work much.

    But there, thinking of Bryatt, and his poem for me, I had a thought.

    Before I could lose my thoughts I got up and grabbed paper and pen, laying down on the bed as I began to scrawl the words that came to mind.

    I stared at what I had written,  reciting his poem through my head, and then reciting mine. Bryatt, the only person who would ever really love me, had written me a poem about life.

    I wrote one about death.

    Suddenly feeling restless, I left the poem where it was and went to take a bath.

    I closed my eyes and relax in the comfort of the bubbles. It was such a change to just pamper myself.

    And I was comfortable. I sank in up to my neck and shut my eyes..

    I must have dozed off, because the next thing I felt was a warm hand running over my forehead and my name being whispered softly by a very familiar voice.

    "Hi, Reeve," I mumbled, opening my eyes. He was kneeling besides the tub, one hand still resting on my forehead as the other hung over the side of the tub, skimming the surface of the water.

    "Hi yourself." He smiled at me, and asked, "Are you okay?"

    "Yeah," I sighed, and I meant it. I was also glad to see Reeve.

    "I saw your poem." He was watching his hand play in the water as he spoke. "Thinking about Bryatt today?"

    "I was thinking about everyone today," I replied softly, reaching out and curling my fingers around his before he could remove it from the water.

    He looked up and met my eyes with such a look that made me want to melt. God, after all this time there was still such a *need* there. It was beautiful. He asked, almost if he was scared to hear the answer, "Thinking about me?"

    "I'm always thinking about you," I answered, softly.

    Reeve leaned forward, barely bringing his lips to mine and teasing me. I whimpered as I nipped back. "Would you mind some company?" He mumbled, kissing my lips again.

    I tugged at his wrist. "Get in here."

    Have you ever had sex in a bathtub? It can be very awkward, if it's not really big enough. And mine wasn't. The good thing is that there's no lack of lubricant in a bathroom.  At least I hadn't been sitting against the faucet, because Reeve was straddling me before I knew it and frantically initiating it.

    "Ever since you popped into my office this afternoon all I could imagine was coming home and making love to you," he whispered huskily into my ear, the water splashing as he thrust his hips against mine.

    I moaned and bent my head back, keeping a steady, hard rhythm. Making love? Oh really, Reeve? How can we call it the same thing and hold two separate definitions?

    It was a question I didn't--couldn't--ponder for long. Once we finished, spoiling the bath water, both climbed out, dried off, and collapsed on the bed, not embraced, but each as the separate people we were, staring up at the blank ceiling.

    "Heidegger hit you, didn't he."

    That came out of nowhere. And it wasn't even a question. Absently I put a hand to my cheek, touching the tender flesh where a bruise had appeared.  "Actually he punched me." And said some things...

    Reeve turned his head to look at me, but I kept staring at the ceiling. "Are you okay?"

    "I--" No. Inside, so deep I was barely even aware, I hurt. I hurt a lot. It's what made me keep crying. "I'm fine."

    He wasn't convinced and he snuggled against me, wrapping his strong arms around my waist, his head on my shoulder. "What's the matter, Tseng?"

    "More than you can count, you undereducated moron."

    "Reeve, do you think I'm stupid?"

    "Are you kidding?" He sat up on an elbow and forced my eyes to met his. The sincere look of shock in his expression assured me a little. "What gives you that idea?"

    "Well, I didn't get to finish school," I said truthfully, knowing full well he already had a counter argument formed. I wanted to hear it. "I barely got to go at all."

    "Who cares?" he shot back firmly. "You know how many people finish school and are *still* stupid? You're smart, Tseng. And don't let anyone tell you different. No stupid person can write poetry like that."

    I smiled, a little, but I still don't think my poetry is much good. Especially next to Bryatt's. "Hmmm..." I turned my head to one side, feeling cut off from the world for a moment.

    Reeve leaned closer, and I could feel his breath brush against my cheek. "Tseng?"

    I reached up, and put a hand on his shoulder, just to keep him away.

    Suddenly, I didn't feel like being touched.

    I didn't blame him. I cried all the time now, more often then even I ever did. There just seemed to be this ache that wouldn't go away, eating me up inside. I couldn't do anything about it, and even the tears didn't ease my pain.

    I guess, even I was worried about me.

    Heidegger had hit me again that afternoon, and had called me a "stupid, dumb whore" right in front of Reno and Rude. They both looked horrified, and who could blame them?

    I just felt terrible.

    I went home sad, shoulders slumped. Reeve was sitting on the bed, looking dazed. Not really taking too much notice of him, I muttered a hello on my way to the bathroom.

    "Uh..."

    I stopped, a little confused by Reeve's sudden lack of vocabulary, and shot him a curious glance. "Reeve? What are you doing?" He had a box in his hands that he was nervously shifting back and forth.

    "Sit by me, won't you?" he requested, sounding nervous.

    Of course I did, feeling a little nervous myself as I wondered why he was acting so strangely. "Reeve? Is something wrong?" He tried to hide the box in his hands, and my eyes fell to it next, wondering just what the heck was in there. "What's that?"

    "Uh..." He looked down, as if he wasn't sure what his own hands held. It was a small black box, and within moments he thrust it into my hands. "Here."

    I was confused. It wasn't my birthday. As far as I knew it wasn't any other special day that might require a present. I looked down at it in shock, my heart rate starting to pick up a little. "For me?"

    "Go on, open it."

    Suddenly I felt like an excited child on Christmas morning as a million thoughts of what it could be flashed through my mind as I slowly popped the lid.

    My eyes widened when I saw it.

    It was a ring.

    A simple gold ring, nestled in the velvet casing.

    The last time I saw a ring like this Ben had wanted to marry me.

    I knew there was no way in hell this could mean the same thing, but still, it meant *something*.

    My hands shook as I lifted it out of the box, overcome with emotion. "Reeve... Oh my god... I... I don't know what to say..."

    I was further surprised as Reeve turn to me, gently taking the ring from my hand and sliding it carefully onto my finger. "It's a token of our friendship," he said. And some expensive token at that. I could tell. Reeve held up his own hand a my jaw dropped open a little. He wore the same ring! "See?"

    I was besides myself for a moment, my eyes going back and forth between our shared rings. This was almost like being married, well, without the vows and the complete love, but still, it was a little closer to something I had always wanted.

    This was definitely one of those moments where Reeve out did himself. It was the king of all those moments.

    My eyes filled with tears as I looked at him. "Reeve... Oh my... Oh my god... This means so much to me, Reeve. You can't even imagine."

    He grabbed me around the shoulders and held me to him, tight. I, of course, held him back just the same. He sighed, "My dearest friend... You mean so much to me."

    Forget it. This was all too much for my overactive sentimental side to take. I cried. "You know I love you, Reeve." Feeling silly all of the sudden, I tried to sniff back my horrible tears. "Oh god," I sighed in defeat. "Crying again. I can never stop..." Never stop feeling terrible...

    My beautiful friend backed off a little, holding my shoulders firmly in his hands as he looked me straight in the eyes and said seriously, "Tseng, listen to me. I want you to cry. Don't feel bad. Sephiroth was right when he said tears make us human. Forget you're a Turk, if even for a little while. Just cry. And I'll hold you. As long as you want."

    That was, quite possibly, the best thing anyone had ever said to me. And I thought, for a moment, Fuck the Shinra. I'll cry if I want to. Slowly I reached out to entwine our hands, resting our rings against one another's. "Reeve... I promise... I'll never feel guilty for crying again." It was a promise I intended to keep. I said again, as I had a million times before, "I love you."

    He grabbed me and kissed me, gently pressing me down against the mattress. And as we made love, I did forget I was a Turk. I even forgot about Shinra.

    I even forgot that Reeve didn't love me.

    Because afterwards, as we lay closely wrapped around each other, as he held my hand and slowly kissed each of my fingertips, the golden bands of our rings shining the moonlight, it sure felt like he did.