The time to make friends, is before you need them.

    People do grow up.

    I'm living proof of it.

    I grew up in only two years, believe it or not.

    It had been two years since I had broken up with Ben. Two years since I rediscovered how much Reeve meant to me. And two years since my two months of whoring myself off to every homosexual man in the company. I paid for that mistake long after I gave up casual fucking. I had to fight off getting jumped and groped for six months after.

    But I was doing well. Ben and I had patched things up not long after my night on Reeve's lap. We were friends now---good friends---and we tried to remain exclusively that way--even though we would occasionally slip and end up making out, or worse, sleeping together. We always apologized to one another after it happened; him because he hated to take sex so lightly, and me because I knew how he felt.

    As for Sephiroth and I, well, we were the same we had always been, even if he had completely gone off on me after I finally spoke to him again. There were still those nights where we would turn to sex for comfort, but those nights were becoming more and more infrequent, as I relied less and less on sex and more on my bond with Reeve.

    Speaking of Reeve, had had been very angry lately, and he was becoming more and more upset about everything Shinra was doing and how they were ignoring his input. I didn't blame him--they treated him like shit. Us Turks were held in higher esteem than he was, and that was just not supposed to be. Heidegger hated Reeve. Neither of us knew why. Scarlet only liked Reeve because she could take advantage of him. I hated the way she looked at him, the way she thought she could control him.
But Reeve wasn't stupid, and I knew the say would soon come where he would quit following her around and stay out of her bed for good.

    Everyone has a day they never forget a moment of for the rest of their lives.

    Now while I had had many days worth remembering, the morning I woke up to Reeve's favorite song on the radio, is the day my whole life changed.

    I was twenty-four.

    I was just laying there, enjoying the song when my PHS rang.

    I picked it up, and said my name in greeting as I always did.

    "Tseng--it's me." I could tell by Reeve's tone that he was already at work. "Can you come by as soon as possible?"

    "Yeah," I replied, sitting up. "Is something wrong?"

    "No, not really. Just something you need to hear."

    I nodded. "I'll be right over."

    Then I hung up, but I didn't move till the song was over.

    "Hi, Ben." I was pouring myself some coffee in the lounge before I went to see Reeve. Turning to face him, I asked, "How are you?"

    "I'm fine," he said. "And you?"

    "Still not used to sleeping alone."

    "You say that every day." Ben smiled.

    "It's true." I sipped my coffee.

    "Busy day?" he asked me.

    I shook my head. "Not at all. You?"

    "I doubt it." He sighed, "It's been fairly boring around here lately."

    "For some of us anyway." I finished off my coffee and tossed the cup out.

    "Oh?" Ben raised an eyebrow.

    I tapped my watch. "I've gotta see Reeve. I'll tell you later."

    "I'll be around," he said.

    We said our good-byes and I headed for Reeve's office, wondering vaguely what he wanted to tell me. I hoped it was good news.

    I knocked on the door.

    "Come in!"

    I entered, shutting the door behind me. "Hey, you." I smiled at him. "And how are we today?"

    "Free," he said.

    I raised an eyebrow, intrigued. "Oh?" I sat in the chair across form Reeve's desk as I always did out of habit.

    "I went off on Scarlet," he said proudly. "She and I are through."

    I was *so* happy I could scarcely believe what I was hearing. But still, it took me by surprise. "You went off on Scarlet?" I repeated, blinking. Go Reeve! "Really?"

    "Big time," he assured me with a nod of his head. "I don't remember ever being that mad." It took a lot to get Reeve mad. "Then when she had the nerve to insult you--that's when I *really* lost it."

    I was shocked, and I know my face showed it. I wondered vaguely what that bitch had said about me, but didn't ask. "You defended me?" Every day I'm reminded of just how much I love you, Reeve.

    Reeve raised his eyebrows. "Would you expect any less?"

    I should have known better than to even ask. "I'm glad you're rid of her," I admitted, having to look away as I said so.

    "You and I both." I was so glad to hear him say so. "She only left me sore."

    I took a moment to look at Reeve--I mean really look at him. He had bags under his eyes and was looking paler than usual. He looked tired, worn out. And, of course, I was concerned. "Other than that, how are you, Reeve? You've been under a lot of stress lately. Have you been eating right? Sleeping well?"

    "I've been fine." But he failed to meet my eyes as he said so, and I knew at once he was lying. I frowned, intending to confront him, but immediately I was interrupted by a shrill scream that sent a chill down my spine.

    An alarm.

    The bomb alarm.

    I would have recognized it anywhere.

    We both leapt to our feet, and Reeve looked around frantically as I stood emotionless. "What's that?!" Reeve cried, looking to me for direction. "Tseng, what's that?"

    I was frozen in fear, wishing I were anywhere but here, anywhere that this bomb wasn't going off. Maybe in a little house  far, far away from Midgar. "That's the bomb alarm," I replied, sounding like the robot I felt like--the robot was. "There must be a bomb in the building." A bomb to kill us all.

    "A bomb?!" Reeve yelled over the cry of our certain doom. "A terrorist bomb?!"

    What else? A terrorist bomb. The people hated Shinra. I knew they hated the Turks. It was something I always did my best to ignore. But I couldn't ignore it now. Not with the proof of it ringing in my ears. "Under the desk," I spoke with the last of my calmness. "Standard procedure."

    So that's where we went, under the desk, shoulder to shoulder, packed in like the dogs we were. The alarm kept going and, I was quickly losing what little composure I had been clinging to.

    We were going to die.

    "Is it a drill?"

    "Drills are announced." We're going to die, I thought as I began to shake. We're all going to die. All of this is going to go up in...

    "Tseng?" Reeve looked at me with a short of expression. I'm  sure he would expect me to be the last person to collapse under such circumstances. If he only knew how terrified I was at that moment.

    I was close to tears, trembling still as I wiped at my eyes. "Fuck," I mumbled, feeling pitiful. "I'm such a coward."

    "Everything will be fine," Reeve assured me, not sounding the least bit scared. "Just fine."

  How can it be?! We're going to die! Die! You and I-- And me, with all the things I've done-- those terrible, terrible things. I'm going straight to hell. I kept crying.

    "Tseng!" he exclaimed, desperate. I think I ws making him nervous. But I couldn't help it.

    I sobbed harder. What had I ever done besides steal, kidnap, destroy and murder for the Shinra?? I was their puppet-- I wasn't a person. I was going to hell-- going to hell in flames-- Just like-- "I'm going to die," I reflected. Becoming more hysterical, I cried, "I'm going to die and all I ever did was kill for a living!" I hung my head and shook with sobs.

    I only cried harder as I felt Reeve put an arm over my shoulders. "We're not going to die," he said, not sounding so sure.

    I covered my face, feeling ashamed. The flames, the flames, the flames-- was it my destiny to die like they had? Burn to death for an eternity of fire for my sins. "The flames!" I cried desperately. "Oh god, just don't let me see the flames!" It was a hasty prayer from a man who meant well, but never did well.

    "Tseng!" he shook me, sounding frantic. "Tseng! Tseng, look at me!"

    I did. I looked at him, knowing I must have looked terrible. Had I disappointed him? I met his eyes, those eyes I adored so much, and I thought of never seeing those eyes again. "Reeve, just don't forget I--"

    But I never got to finish.

    Because Reeve kissed me.

    He just leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine, parting them and slipping his tongue into my mouth. I couldn't help moaning as I could feel the passion coming from him. It had been two years since we had kissed, and then it had not felt as wonderful as this.

    I forgot about the alarms completely.

    Reeve was kissing me. The room could have been aflame, and I wouldn't have known. All I knew at that moment was our contact, our tongues moving against one anothers.

    There seemed to be no end in sight, and I don't think either of us had any intention of breaking apart until the alarms ceased.

    Then as soon as there was silence, our lips parted as though we had never kissed.

    Reeve refused to look at me, his brow furrowed as if he was angry with himself.

    Reeve is straight, I reminded myself. You were hysterical. He probably just wanted to shut you up.

    A message over the loudspeaker from the President interrupted my thoughts. "Attention employees. We received word of a terrorist bomb in the building, but it was only a false alarm. I offer my apologizes." That was it. I wanted to punch something. That mistake had me questioning the purity of my own soul--the source and consequences of my own well being. Suddenly I didn't know what to think.

    Wordlessly we both stood, looking like two very confused and unhappy people.

    Reeve refused to look at me, and the more I stared at him, the more he looked even deeper in thought.

    The silence grew too awkward for me. I knew he must have been kicking himself over the kiss, so I knew I had to say something to put him at ease. "Reeve, I--"

    "Look," he snapped, emerald eyes flashing as he set his jaw. "I only did it to calm you down." I know, Reeve. "You were hysterical." I was. "It was for your own good." Maybe it was.

    What did he think I thought? That the kiss meant something to him? Never. Then why did he feel the need to tell me so? "I never said--"

    "I'd never kiss a man," he told me as if I hadn't heard that line before. I didn't need to hear it again. "Not in a million years."

    "You don't have to make a big deal about it," I told him, getting a tiny bit annoyed. Why was Reeve acting so strange about this?

    "I'm straight!" he yelled, startling me. "Everybody knows that!"

    I was hurt. Why did he have to yell at me? What did I do? He kissed *me* after all. "I know that, Reeve," I said quietly. "Nobody said you weren't." Least of all me--why are you getting so defensive?

    He turned his back to me, his fists clenched at his sides. Then he somehow managed to crush me even further. "Look, I don't want to see you for awhile."

    "All right, Reeve," I replied softly, and I glanced at him once more before I trudged for the door. Once there, however, I turned back as I griped the handle. "Thank you," I told him, my voice nothing but a whisper, just before I left.

    And I meant it.

    I went back to my office, and shut the door. I sat there, thinking about how it felt to be so close to death. How that made me feel. All those bad things I did....whether I wanted to or not, I did them. I did them without thinking.

    But we're all bad, I thought. Every one of us in Shinra. But I'm just following orders. I don't want to kill these people. I don't give myself these missions. I'm no worse than anyone else here. I shouldn't feel this way. If a bomb blew up the building, we would all go to hell. Shinra is a bad company. It really is. It's not helping anyone besides those that are in it.

    I had taken a vow of loyalty. I had taken a vow of silence. I was here for life, and I didn't have a choice anymore. I had to do what they told me. That was my price--others lives for mine.

    I wondered if such a selfish choice was worth it.

    There was a knock at my door that brought me out of my jumble of thoughts. "Come in," I called, shuffling some papers.

    Reno and Rude entered quietly, and they shut the door behind him. They were both nineteen years old now, and it pained me to look at them sometimes--it made me remember when I was that young.

    I looked at them. "Yes?"

    "That was....somethin', huh?" Reno was as pale as a ghost, and I wondered if he had been as scared as I was.

    Rude seemed unaffected, as he always did. Reno was scared, I was scared. I *cried*--the ultimate Turk sin. Nothing ever seemed to bother Rude. I don't think he had it in his capacity to cry. I envied him.

    "The alarm?" I cleared my throat, shuffling the papers pointlessly avoid looking at them and giving away my own feelings. Feelings? What feelings. I wasn't supposed to have any.

    "Yeah."

    "I was caught off guard." Finally placing the papers down, I turned to look at them with my usual work expression. It was time to move on, get past all that. I was here now, wasn't I? And I wouldn't have turned this chance all over again, even knowing what I would have to do...knowing how it would make me feel.

    "Well, Rude 'n I got Fisher. We knocked him off early this morning."

    I nodded, brushing off someone's death as just another finished mission. How many was it now? 200? 300? 500? More? I couldn't keep track, couldn't remember the names. Most of the time I didn't even know what they did to deserve their punishment. "Excellent."

    "Anythin' else?"

    I shook my head. "I have received no further orders for today."

    "Tseng."

    That was Rude. I looked up, confused to hear him speak. Sometimes I even forgot what his voice sounded like. "Yes?"

    "You may want to talk with the man upstairs about that bomb procedure."

    I raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Would you care to explain yourself?"

    "Those desks are pretty heavy. If the building were to explode, I don't know one lazy Shinra soldier who would volunteer to dig me out."

    I tried not to crack a smile, but I partially failed and ended up with a smirk. "Point noted. I'll mention it to the President."

    Rude nodded.

    I was still surprised he said anything at all. Even though, every time I thought of desk, all I could think of was Reeve and I kissing beneath it.

    I was still sad about what happened with Reeve, and in need of a friend. I tried to find Ben, but the lounge was nearly deserted. Maybe a lot of people had gone home after the bomb scare. I wondered why it was that I was still here. But I couldn't go home, not without making up with Reeve first. Since Ben was unavailable, I would have went to Sephiroth next, but he was away on some important mission.

    So I was alone.

    But I still wasn't going home.

    The building became more and more deserted, and then I went back to my office, feeling exhausted and depressed. Thinking of anything right now was just upsetting me, so I put my head down on my desk and took a much needed nap, trying to sleep away the day's problems.

    When I woke up, it was dark out, but still a reasonable hour, around eight o'clock. I felt grimy and stiff from sleeping at my desk, so I got up and locked up for the night. Then I made a stop in the bathroom and took a moment to splash some water on my face and run my fingers through my hair. Vaguely I wondered again if Reeve was really mad at me--he really had no need to be. I think maybe he was mad at himself, but I wish he wouldn't be. I knew I meant nothing to him like that--and I never did.

    With a sigh I left the bathroom, instinctively walking towards Reeve's office. I knew he had probably left hours ago, but it would make me feel a little better to just sit in his chair and relax for a moment or two.

    But Reeve's office wasn't empty.

    The building was near deserted, and the hallways were nearly pitch black the night sky, but there were noises coming from Reeve's office--noises that sounded like crying.

    Panicking that Reeve might be hurt, I threw the door open and gaped in the doorway.

    My friend was huddled besides the wall, besides himself with hysterical tears. From the way he was dressed, I could tell he had went home and come back. But why? Something terrible must have happened.

    "Reeve?" I slammed the door shut in an instant, rushing to his side and kneeling besides him. For a moment I just looked at his trembling form in complete shock. "Reeve, what's the matter?! Why are you crying?!" A million thoughts thundered through my mind of why he could possibly be like this. I could never remember seeing him this way. Could it be the stress had finally taken such a toll on him? Seeing him cry made me want to cry myself.

    "I'm so sorry..." he whispered, cuddling into my arms so I was cradling him like he was nothing more than a baby. "Tseng..." He choked my name out among the sobs. "I've destroyed everything."

    I held him closer, confused and wondering why he would say such a thing. "What?"

    "This is it," he whispered, voice failing him. "There's no one left." No one left? "I *built* this city, Tseng. It was my dream...but it became everyone else's nightmare, even mine." I remembered how happy Reeve had been when I came to work for Shinra--how happy we both were. Now look at him. And look at me. Could it be he had been having the same thoughts I had, or was this something else? "I'm so alone..." The words were so soft that I barely heard them. But they were so loud in my ears.

    Alone. How could he say that? After he told me he would always be there for me--how could he think that I--ME--the person who was so in love with him and would crawl the desert surrounding Gold Saucer with my hands tied behind my back just to reach him--would ever abandon him for even an instant where he needed me? Affectionately I brushed some hair off his beautiful face and told him, "No, Reeve. That's not true." His eyes met mine, and I leaned so close I could feel the whisper of his breath across my lips. I wasn't going to hold back now--I couldn't. "I'm here...and I love you."

    Reeve bent his head back, and parted his lips, I took it as a plea, and I leaned down and brushed my lips to his. He was trembling, and that's when I realized I was too.

    "Tseng..." he sighed as I kissed him once more. His eyes closed and he breathed, "Thank you."

    As if he needed to say that. "Don't ever let yourself get this way, Reeve," I told him, thinking of all the things I had thought of this afternoon. About how we were all trapped in the same sinking ship... "You don't hold all the blame." If anything, I hold more. "It's everyone who works for this company. We are responsible for the suffering that occurs as a result of our actions. You may have built this city, but it wasn't your idea to construct it in the first place." I couldn't resist pressing a few kisses to his forehead, my love for him nearly out of control. "You're not evil, Reeve." My own voice began to shake. "No more than I am. I love you so much..."

    "Maybe...maybe I should quit."

    No. That was a death sentence. Not only for him, but for me as well. "No. If you quit Shinra you'll never find another job. They control...everything..." Reeve asked me once if I thought Shinra had too much power, and as I spoke that sentence to him I was reminded of that. My reply had been a total understatement, and it wasn't until that moment that I had him in my arms that I realized he had been right all along.

    "Tseng..." He asked quietly, "you disapprove of Shinra?"

    There was a hesitation. I didn't know what to say. I had never felt so unsure of my own words. So I just told him the reality of it all. It was all I could do for him. "Reeve, I took two vows when I became a Turk." I looked right into his eyes as I spoke. "One was a vow of loyalty, the other was a vow of silence. I've done many things I'm not proud of, but I haven't got a choice. I signed my life and soul away to Shinra. It was the price I paid to live again. I'm trapped. We all are." Trapped. The word was so final. So constricting. How had it come to this?

    "Tseng?" Reeve drew a shaky breath. "Can you do me a favor?"

    "Anything for you, my love." I tried to smile.

    My friend hesitated a moment, but then he asked, "...Will you stay with me tonight? ...And hold me please? I need to know there's someone who cares. Someone like me."

    I held him closer, not believing the words coming from his lips because I thought I would never be that lucky--never be that honored. Of course I would hold him. I don't think Reeve needed my answer to that, not directly. "Shinra may have my soul, my mind and my sense of decency even, but it will never have my heart." I paused, lowering my voice as I told him, "I give that to you to hold for me, Reeve. You have to protect it. Sometimes it will seem as though I don't have one." Yes. When I was murdering. "And you must remember that it is always with you." I would never give it to anyone else. I never could.

    "Yes." Reeve moved closer to me. "This company has everything...except what matters most."

  Oh...Reeve... I gently brushed his cheek with my fingers, wiping his tears away. I didn't want to see Reeve cry. "I'll hold you, Reeve. Gladly. As long as you want me to."

    I was surprised when he reached up and ran a hand slowly through my hair. "Yes. Please. Don't let me go."

    My eyes were lost in his, and his were locked on mine, and for a moment there I knew my life was about to change. I think I shook my head, but I couldn't be sure, because all I knew at that moment was Reeve, as I assured him I would never *ever* let him go.

    "We're both without a family now," he said in conclusion, trying to smile, but it was obviously fake. "All we have is each other."

    "I'm so sorry, Reeve. I--I can imagine how painful it must be for you... But I love you. And I need you."

    "I know." He smiled at me and succeeded this time. "I love you too, my friend. And I need you...I need you more than I need air."

    "Oh, Reeve..." I sighed.

    Then all at once he pulled me closer, sliding his arms around my waist. I was so shocked and caught off guard that all I could manage was a questioning look. "I need you," he repeated. "I...really *need* you, more than I should..." I trembled as he popped a button on my shirt and ran his fingers over the exposed skin. "I owe you for being here for me."

    "N-No," I stammered, pressing up against his touch. "Reeve... You don't owe me anything. Not a thing..." My voice shook as he ignited my senses.

    "I want to..." he whispered, pulling me closer. "I...I wouldn't do this...unless...unless I wanted to." He finished with the buttons and pushed my shirt open, seeming a bit amazed at what he  was seeing. He had seen me before, but, perhaps it had looked different to him before. "I'm...not gay, you know that. But...I need your love. And I want it. And I...I want to show you what you mean to me."

    "Reeve..." I whispered.

    He brought me even closer, his hands stroking up and down my chest. "With you...it's just different. ...I...I don't mind...touching you...or kissing you. I just...can't love you...like *that*."

    I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I could barely think, my brain was barely functioning. Reeve was touching me, he was talking about kissing me, and how he didn't mind it. I really could care less at that moment about whether he could love me back or not. He was arousing me unbelievably so just with his touch. "Oh..." Only a quiet moan escaped my lips.

    Reeve looked up at me.

    I looked down at him.

    Then we kissed.

    This time we really kissed. He wasn't drunk. He wasn't paying me back. He wasn't shutting me up. He *needed* it. And even though we had kissed so many times before, this really seemed like our first one. It was desperate, truly needy as he pressed up against me and caressed my tongue with his own. His hands pulled my shirt off, dropped it on the floor and roamed my back, causing me to shiver all over. My own hands stroked his chest, ever so slowly as we continued our kisses. They became shorter, sweeter, and his hands came to rest on my biceps.

    Our lips parted, and he glanced at his hand on my arm. "God," he commented, giving my muscle a squeeze, "You're hard as a rock. No wonder everyone wants you."

    I smiled. "You're pretty well built, Reeve. At least...from what I've seen." I was still stroking his chest.

    "Mmmmm.." he made a pleased noise and smiled up at me. "I look like nothing compared to you, god, look at you!" He ran a finger down the center of my chest, slowly, teasing me beyond belief. "This isn't supposed to be real."

    "But I am real," I whispered, leaning closer once more.

    He pulled me into another long kiss, wrapping his hands around my neck and through my hair. I continued to stroke his chest through the fabric of his shirt, longing to pull it open and caress his skin. I was a bit sneaky as I snuck one button out of it's hole. Then I touched the skin that I had exposed, loving the feel of his skin beneath my fingers.

    We separated our lips again, and both of us moaned softly as he planted a few kisses down my neck.

    "Oh...Reeve..." I sighed, bending my head back, giving him better access--access he took. "I love you so much...I...I can't believe this is happening..."

    "Here..." he shifted, lying on his side, and turning me so I was on my side too, facing him. "Now we can do this." Wrapping his arms around me, we kissed again, as deeply as was humanly possible. Instinctively I drew a leg around his waist, forcing us to be as close as possible. Reeve tightened his arms around me in response, and I was surprised to discover that Reeve was as aroused as I was. I continued to stroke his chest, and I managed to part another two buttons, caressing more of his skin. Reeve didn't protest, he just moaned into my mouth, rocking gently against me and causing me to whimper softly.

    Our lips parted with a mutual moan, and I rained kisses down his neck. "Tell me if you don't like something." Another button was parted under my fingers.

    "Don't stop," he begged.

    I moved slowly, scared to venture too far. I was quite content just sucking on the side of his neck, so that's what I did.

    "Uh...Tseng..." he moaned, hands running through my hair. "You were right...that time you told me you would make feel good, ugh...you were *so* right...oh...that feels so good...so much better than Scarlet."

    I had unbuttoned his shirt completely now, and was now stroking his bared chest quite contentedly. He mirrored my actions, as our lips met yet again.

    It was several minutes before we parted again, and we lay there, breathless and looking somewhat amazed, still caressing one another's chests.

    "We're making out," I said in shock. "We really are."

    "And we're not done," He whispered, shrugging off his shirt. he then looked quite embarrassed as he went to my pants. "Is this okay?"

  IS IT?!?!?!?! YES! But I was too frozen in amazement to do anything more but nod.

    "Anything I do to you, you can do to me," Reeve said, slipping off my belt and tossing it aside. "I wouldn't do anything to you I wouldn't feel comfortable having done to me." He fumbled with the zipper a little before he brought it down, and then we both worked with our hands and feet to push my slacks down and off my body.

    So there I was, only in my underwear.

    "Go ahead," he said, pressing a kiss to the side of my neck. "Do it to me."

    "Y-You want me to take your pants off?" I almost couldn't believe my own words--never mind what he was suggesting.

    "Yes. Here." He took my hands in his, and together we stripped him to his boxers. "There. See?"

    I tried to say something, but failed. His hands wrapped themselves around my neck again.

    "I haven't been with too many people," he admitted. "I know...You have.."

    "Not many that mattered," I reminded him. "That night... That night you kissed me in your apartment, that meant more to me than all that pointless sex I had with all those people I barely knew. Even if it meant nothing to you--it meant a lot to me."

    He blurted out, "I like kissing you. I...always have... Any other guy...no...but with you...it's...different."

    "And I love kissing you, of course." I smiled at him, glancing down at where my hand was still stroking his chest. "You do have a nice body. There's muscle. I can feel it."

    He chuckled, "But I'm not a sculpture. I wish I had your body."

    "I wish I had your eyes,"  I told him, one hand coming up to smooth some hair off his face.

    Reeve blinked. "You like my eyes?"

    "I love your eyes. You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. I could stare into them all day." When I was done I could feel myself begin to blush. "You must think that sounds stupid."

    He shook his head seriously. "I don't think it sounds stupid at all." He paused a moment as he brushed hair off my face. "Tseng..." he began curiously, "When did you start loving me?"

    "Consciously, I realized it when--when you came to see me, after I was raped."

    "Oh..." he breathed. "I was so scared then."

    Wrapping my arms around him, I held Reeve to me tightly. "But with you, it was love at first sight. I would think of you all the time, I, just didn't realize it was love until that moment."

    "Oh...Tseng..." He held me tighter.

    "You're so beautiful, Reeve," I told him, prompting him to look up at me. "And I mean that inside and out."

    "Thank you," he whispered, a rim of wetness appearing around his eyes. "That...that means so much to me... Tseng...  You... You... I don't have words right now to describe how wonderful you are."

    So he kissed me instead, gently and sweetly.

    "Oh god," I sighed as we broke apart, eyes still closed. "I...I never actually thought that this would happen."

    He kissed me again to assure me, yes, it was real. "Tseng," he said, sounding a bit shy. "Do you think we could lie on your bed and rest awhile? I'm kind of tired...I haven't really slept in awhile."

    "That's fine," I told him. "Whatever you want, Reeve."

    So I got up, but before he could I hooked one arm under his knees, one behind his back, and picked him up. Reeve let out a little noise in surprised, but wrapped his arms around my neck and didn't protest in the least as I carried him into my bedroom, gently placing him down.

   He said, "Wow, you really are strong."

    "You're not very heavy."

    "I don't think I could pick you up." He paused. "Could Ben pick you up?"

  Why is Ben coming into this? "Reeve," I whispered, avoiding the question, climbing in behind him and embracing him once more, holding his back against my chest. "Just relax. I'll hold you."

    He yawned as he said, "You're the only thing in my life I can depend on."

    Then he drifted off to sleep. But me, I couldn't even close my eyes.

    Sex. Reeve. As in *me*--ME--having sex with *him*. Was this supposed to be real, I thought, am I supposed to wake up now? My brain couldn't even handle the thought of us having sex in the same sentence, and for a moment I grew fairly dizzy. Sex. Did he understand what that meant--what that meant at all, what that meant to me? I knew for a fact that Reeve had only had sex with Scarlet before. He only knew sex in it's senseless--'let's fuck'--form. He had never even been with someone who had even *cared* about him, never mind *loved* him, like I did. Reeve really didn't know what it was like to be so intimate with someone who loved you. I did. But now I was with someone who *I* loved, and this, this was going to be different. This was my chance, my chance to show Reeve how I felt by--and oh god I still couldn't believe it--making love to him.

    But I was too scared.

    "Oh...Oh, Reeve..." I was half heartedly pushing him away, panicking a little.

    "Tseng... I owe you. Please... Please..." He insisted.

    "No, just kiss me," I told him. "It's enough."

    And he did, but then he added, "I like kissing you. Your lips are so soft." His thumb whispered over them. "I love how your tongue feels against mine." Another kiss.

    "Oh, Reeve. Oh god. You don't have to do this." Arms wrapping around me now.

    "I want to.... Here.... Tseng..." Hands sliding over my legs now. "Let me give you pleasure."

    "Oh.... Oh god..." He began covering me in slow, open mouthed kisses. "Oh no... Oh, Reeve. Don't-don't do anything you don't want..."

    "I want to... Oh, Tseng... I do love you, my friend. In my own way."

    "Ugh.... Ugh.... Oh god... Oh god, that feels good, Reeve."

    "Mmm... Mmmmmm.... Tseng..."

    "Oh yes.... Oh...."

    "Want me to touch you there again?"

    "Oh..." I shuddered. "No...no....ohhhh...." I moaned loudly.

    "Don't fight me," he whispered. "You want me to. I *want* to, Tseng."

    "Ah....ah....a-all right, Reeve."

    Lips and fingers brushed and touched every part of me as I mewled desperately beneath him. "Oh, Reeve. Reeve, I love you."

    "Mmmm....so soft." Nuzzling at my inner thighs, kissing and licking, making me tremble.

    "Ugh....oh....so incredible.... Oh, Reeve..."

    "You're shaking." And I was. "Are you all right?"

    ".........How long I've wanted you, Reeve."

    "Mmm..... Damn, nature was good to you.... I have to..."

    "Ahhhhhh!" I gasped loudly, grasping for anything to hold while he sucked. "Oh! Reeve! Reeve! Reeve!"

    And he coaxed my release from me, swallowing every drop.

    "Reeve, Reeve..." Sweat slicked body still trembling. "You... Oh... Didn't have to do that..."

    "I wanted to." Leaning over my again. "Can I kiss you?"

    "You never have to ask."

    A kiss, long and deep, ending with an all too reluctant parting. "God, you taste good."

    "Let me do the same for you, Reeve. God, I want to kiss every inch of you, my love. Please--if you'll let me."

    "Yes. Oh, please, Tseng..." Words whispered against my lips. "I need you."

    Then I was leaning over him, my fingers trailing over his soft skin. I couldn't get enough of touching him, and my friend moaned almost inaudibly as I explored him with my fingertips. I still found it was amazing to be here, being so intimate with him. Truly, I wondered if I would wake up. "Reeve.... Oh... Tell me if something makes you uncomfortable."

    "Tseng, it's fine, god--let me feel your lips."

    So I began kissing him, starting with his neck and sucking gently as my lips slid down his body. At one point I accidentally pressed my hips to his, causing him to cry out, arch his back, and dig his fingernails into my shoulders. I moaned, wanting to stimulate our feelings by rubbing against him, but I held back.

    "Uh....oh, Tseng... Oh, this is so incredible... I never thought it could be so good with a man..."

    "Oh, it can be *very* good, Reeve." I rubbed my hips to his once more, a shock of pleasure shooting up my spine. "Ugh..."

    "Oh, god!" he cried out, trying to bring my body closer. "That feels... That feels..."

    "Let me finish kissing you," I told him, my lips sliding over his hips. "Then I'll...mmmm....press against you....oh...love..."

    And I coated him in kisses, from head to foot. Reeve mewled and moaned, groaning loudly as I sucked his toes, running my hands over his calves.

    "Mmmm.... Mmmmmmm...."

    "Oh.... Oh, god..." he moaned, a hand coming to tangle in his own hair. "I've never been so turned on in my whole life... Oh... Tseng, Tseng, come here."

    I felt so elated, crawling over him, pressing my hips to his and extracting another loud moan from Reeve. "What do you want? I'll do anything."

    "I want you." Hands took my face. "God, I want you."

    "..........Reeve? ......You want...."

    "I want you inside me."

    "Oh god." That's all I could say.

    "Oh please, Tseng."

    "Oh god."

    "It's what you've always wanted, and I want it, god, I want it so bad."

    Shaking hands cupped his face. "Oh god. Oh god, I don't know, Reeve." What if I hurt him?

    "....You don't want to?" A hand ran through my hair.

    Don't want to? I'm surprised I didn't orgasm just looking at him. "No...no, that's not it, Reeve, I...." My eyes met his. Those beautiful green eyes that were practically pleading with me. He really wanted this. Maybe almost as much as I did. "God, you're so beautiful..."

    "You're the only one I've got." Hands combing through my hair. "I want you completely.... Please..."

    "Oh, Reeve, it will hurt."

    "I don't care."

    "If you want me to stop, just tell me, okay?"

    "Don't you want me to turn over?"

    "No... I want to be able to kiss you. Just...uh...yeah, that's it."

    "Here, use this."

    "......Just like last time."

    "Ugh....oh yeah."

    Another. "Okay?" I was so scared.

    "Yes....gods..."

    Last one. "Reeve..."

    "All of it. Tseng, fuck me now."

    Oh god, that order. That was definitely on my list of things I never thought I would hear him say. But here I was now, positioned... "Okay... Oh, Reeve... Ugh.... Now?"

    "Yes! Now! Now, please! Gods!"

    And I did, slowly. "Ugh....oh....oh...Reeve...."

    "Ahhh!....Oh gods! Oh gods!"

    "It hurts....I know....I'm sorry." I was trying to go slow, trying *so* hard.

    "Ke-keep going. Just kiss me."

    "Mmmmm....mn....mn....oh....Reeve....You feel so good..." Better than anything.

    "Mmmmmmmmmmm....... Tseng.....completely...."

    "God....you're so....so tight, Reeve... Ugh....incredible...."

    "Aah....feels....feels so...."

    "O-oh...it--it's all in, Reeve. I--I'll just let you get used to it." I wanted him so badly that by this point I couldn't even process what was going on.

    "Hold me... Hold me tight."

    And I did. "Oh.....my love." He was trembling now, more than I was. "Reeve, are you all right?"

    "Y-yes. Oh...oh god, Tseng, do-do it to me. Make love to me, please?"

    "Yes...yes, love."

    And I did. And *god* I took him hard. I was slamming into that trembling body in a world beyond my control, and he was moaning and crying out below me, arching his back and clinging to me. I was moaning, softly, mind in a separate world.

    "Oh.... Oh..."

    "TSENG! Tseng, oh god! Yes! Yes! Oh, god! So hard! So deep! Oh...ughhh........."

    "Oh, Reeve, oh Reeve..."

    And then it was all over. Just like that. And *that* is when it all sunk in. Just afterwards, when I was lying there, still inside him, our arms around one another, that I realized I had just had sex with Reeve. And truly, I didn't know what to say or do; I didn't know how to react, or what to think. So for a minute or so, I just tried to get my breath back and gather *some* kind of thought.

    Reeve moaned a protest when I finally pulled out of him, and it was then, to my horror, I realized that I had made him bleed. I felt *terrible*. Couldn't I control myself by now? "Oh, shit," I cursed myself, wiping it off in dismay. "Oh, shit. I didn't mean to-- I mean, I--" I looked at him, my best friend, who lay with heavy lidded eyes and trembling limbs, his breathing finally beginning to slow. "I must have hurt you. Oh, god, I'm sorry, Reeve."

    Shaking his head, Reeve replied, "Forget it. Hold me."

    And of course I did. "I'm so sorry, Reeve."

    "Shush..." he soothed me, cupping my face in his hands. "It's all right. I enjoyed that. Really."

    "Really?"

    "Really... Gods, you make me feel so much better than Scarlet ever did. Every time I kiss you...it just feels...right, in a way."

    "I love you, Reeve."

    "Tseng..." he began covering my face in slow, feathery kisses. "You're the only one in the world that I need."

    We alternated somewhat, kissing on another's faces as our lips found each other, and we kissed, gently, as though we were both so fragile that too much pressure would break us both.

    And truly, we were.

    There aren't even words.

    He was still asleep when I awoke, cuddled in my arms, holding me around the waist. I could feel his breath on my skin, soft and slow, and I unconsciously stroked the back of his head, smoothing down the sleep mused strands. I was so thankful it was the weekend, and neither of us had to report to work. It was still amazing to be here with him, like something out of my dreams. No matter how much we had done together before, no matter how close we had been, no matter how deep inside of him I had been, it still seemed like nothing more than a fantasy.

    I still couldn't believe that we had had sex the night before. But *god* it had been incredible. The feel of his touch, the sound of his moans, they were all things I committed to memory.

    I just hoped that when Reeve woke up, he wouldn't regret what had happened.

    And if he didn't regret it, what did this mean now? And if he did regret it...?

    I didn't want to finish that thought, and I didn't have to. Reeve stirred slowly, nuzzling against my chest as he awoke. I sat up a little, taking my arms off him and watched silently as he lifted his head and looked at me with sleepy eyes. He looked so cute.

    "Good morning," he greeted me.

    I took that as an indication that what had happened last night really was okay with him. I was relieved. "Good morning, Reeve."

    He smiled slightly, then bent his head to kiss my stomach. "I really did mean...what I said last night..." he told me, pressing another kiss to my skin. "In case you were thinking I was having second thoughts."

    Yes, Reeve really did know me very well. "I'm glad, Reeve. I wouldn't want you to do anything you'd regret."

    "I've been thinking," he said, sitting up on his elbows, and flicking some hair out of his eyes. "And I...wanted to know if I  could move in with you."

    I blinked, totally surprised by the question. Reeve wanted to move into my apartment with me? Not that I was going to tell him  no--not under any circumstances, I was just curious as to *why*. "Sure," I told him, the shock written across my face. "But...can I ask why?"

    "I don't want to be alone," he said simply. "I...need to have someone with me." He reached out and griped my arm as he continued. "This is only temporary, Tseng. I'm not sure how long it will be until I can... I'll still keep my place, but...I'd really like to stay here. With you. Like this."

  Like this? In bed like this? Oh god, I thought for the first time. Reeve really has become extremely needy. "You can stay here," I assured him once again. "For as long as you'd like. I'd love to have you here with me."

    "And maybe...we could repeat last night?" he crawled  atop me and I instinctively wrapped my arms around him.

    "I hurt you," I said. "I'm sorry. I lost control."

    "Tseng, it was fine." He stroked my face and said, "I never felt so good."

    "Reeve, you don't have to--"

    "I mean it," he said firmly. "I wouldn't lie to you." Slowly he reached out and took my hand in his, entwining our fingers.

    "I love you, Reeve."

    He leaned in to kiss me. "Tseng... I could never do enough for you in thanks."

    It was a little strange at first, having him around all the time, but I loved every minute of it. Reeve was my best friend and a great companion. And he wasn't bad to have as a roommate either. They say a good portion of friendships fall apart when people try to live together, but we never seemed to fight, and he was pretty neat. And when he wasn't, I picked up after him. I really didn't mind.

    Maybe part of it had to do with the fact that we were having sex. And a lot if it. Obviously, since we were sharing a bed, a simple kiss often led to much more. He was frequently the one to initiate it, although I was always the one inside *him*. We never did it the other way, as much as I secretly longed for it. Reeve was putting up with a lot of stuff no other straight guy would, but he couldn't do that. Not fuck another guy. Still, I was counting my blessings to have him at all.

    Despite our intimate relationship he told me often I shouldn't feel I was tied down to him, and I was free to see other people. Like I would want to. I had Reeve. And being with him at home was almost like having a live in boyfriend. Although I never told him that.

    There was the lingering feeling that I knew I would someday I would have to face. One of these days he was going to leave me, and leave me for a woman. It was only a matter of time. But what a long, long time I hoped it was.

    But things had definitely changed between us.

    Things even changed between us at work.

    Like today, for instance.

    We were making out.

    Reeve came in to get something, I don't remember, because when I went to get it, he pinned me against the wall and started kissing me. Simple kissing quickly changed to Frenching and feeling one another up, and we were frantic. Reeve was practically slamming me up against the wall as our hands were pulling at one another's clothing, wanting to be free of it, but in no such position to do so.

    "Oh...I wanna strip you..." he whispered, beginning to kiss down my neck.

    "Ugh...Reeve...be careful," I moaned, feeling his hand paw at my crotch. "My door's unlocked. Ohhhhh...." I bent my head back and decided I could care less about anyone walking in.

    He unbuttoned and unzipped my pants and slid his hand in, kissing my lips again, more desperately than before. His lips muffled my moans, which was good, because I didn't want anyone passing by outside to hear the sounds of Reeve getting me off.

    "Mmmn!! Mmnnnnnnn..." I moaned desperately as I was released. Reeve kissed me several more times, gentler now, and did my pants back up. "Oh... God... Reeve..."

    "How did that feel?"

    "Uh...wow..." I said with a shuddered sigh. Reeve was cleaning his hand with a tissue. "But... That kind of came from nowhere."

    "Don't you like spontaneity?"

    I blinked. "Well, sure I do."

    "Then what is it?"

    "I... I..."

    "Is it hard to believe I get horny at work too?"

    His words caught me off guard. "Reeve!" I exclaimed, blushing.

    "What?" he smiled at me. "And when I get horny, I want you."

    "Well, getting me off couldn't have done much for you," I said seductively, walking towards him.

    "Oh, it did quite a bit," he said, backing up, but giving me a seductive look right back. "I love hearing you moan."

    I kept walking forward until he ended up sitting in my chair. Reeve and I loved to tease each other. It was one of the plus sides of having your best friend as your lover. We teased one another in every possible way. Once he was in my chair, I knelt before him, and he stiffened and moaned in anticipation as I reached for his zipper. He knew what was coming.

    Life was good.

    Just as I set the paperwork aside for awhile, Sephiroth entered my office, without knocking. I counted my blessing that he hadn't shown up fifteen minutes earlier.

    "Hello, Tseng." He came in and shut the door behind him.

    "Good afternoon, masuta," I greeted him. "This is unexpected."

    Sephiroth didn't answer right away. He stood before my desk, squinted at me, and I suddenly felt very self conscious.

    "What?" I asked, pushing some hair behind my ear.

    "You just had an orgasm."

    "What?!" I cried, practically falling off my chair at the statement. "Sephiroth, please!"

    "You did," he said as casually as if we were discussing the weather. "Do not think I cannot tell."

    "Tell what?!" I could feel myself blushing. "I have no idea what you're talking about!"

    "I've been with you often enough to be able to tell--you still look flushed, and you've got a glow to you."

    "You're sick," I told him, going to put a file away in my file cabinet as he parked himself on the edge of my desk.

    "Who could it be..." he thought aloud, musing a moment. "Ben? No, he's not the type to fool around during work." Giving me a stern look, he began seriously, "You haven't been sleeping around--"

    "NO!" I interrupted loudly, turning away from the files for a moment. "No, definitely not." I became calm again, turning back to the cabinet.

    "Well it clearly wasn't me." He watched me carefully as I came to sit again. "Come to think of it... You've been acting...almost giddy for quite awhile, Tseng."

    "I have not." I avoided eye contact and decided to search mindlessly through my desk drawers, trying to find something that didn't exist.

    "You have to!" I could hear the amusement in his voice. "Do you have a new man? I thought you were done dating."

    I didn't answer, as I was starting to grow a little nervous. I knew Sephiroth too well too well to expect him to ever give up on finding out who I had been with.

    "Tseng." He slipped a finger under my chin and forced our eyes to meet. "Tell me who it was."

    The instant our eyes I knew I couldn't lie to him. I couldn't lie to my master. And although he was known to occasionally be a gossip, I knew that if I made him promise to stay quiet, he would keep it with him till the grave. Sephiroth was my friend, and my teacher, and I knew that if anyone would be almost as thrilled about this as I was, it would be him. "If I tell you...you have to promise to mention it to NO ONE. Even the person who's name I'm going to tell you."

    "Venustas, you know everything you tell me is in complete confidence," he said emotionlessly, "Now, go on."

    I mumbled my words. "It was Reeve."

    His jaw nearly hit the desk. "WHAT?!"

    I got up, walked a few steps, and said it again. "It was Reeve."

    "Reeve?! As in Reeve Leander, the man you have been head over heels in love with for almost ten years??"

    I just nodded.

    "Was he drunk?!" exclaimed Sephiroth, still amazed.

    I shook my head no.

    "Did he actually admit he liked you? And you didn't tell me sooner?!"

    "No, Sephiroth." I came besides him, also sitting on the desk. "It's very strange, how this all started." Quickly I explained about what had happened with his family, and his feelings about everything. I told him how we were living together, and brushed over the other major detail.

    "You've been having sex with him," he gaped in disbelief. "Every day??"

    "Sometimes more..." I admitted, blushing.

    "More?! And he has the nerve to tell you he's not bisexual." Sephiroth shook his head. "This is the strangest thing I've heard in my life. And I've heard some strange things."

    "I'm always on top," I told him. "He can't do it to me."

    "Can't or won't," Sephiroth said matter of factually. "I don't think it's his sexuality that's keeping him from screwing your brains out."

    "Masuta, please!" I cried, blushing further. I got up again.

    I had amused him. "Since when have you become shy about sex?"

    "Since I've been doing it with Reeve."

    "Uh huh. And when he got you off before, what did he do?"

    "Handjob." I couldn't believe I was discussing this. Normally, I wouldn't have minded, Sephiroth wasn't going to blab it to anyone, but I still didn't feel good about spilling details to him.

    "Oh." He seemed disappointed. "I guess he doesn't--"

    "Oh, he does," I cut him off, raising my eyebrows as I did so. "He *definitely* does."

    Sephiroth raised his eyebrows too. "That good, huh? Surprising. I'm guessing he doesn't swallow though."

    "You guessed wrong."

    "Well it seems Reeve is just full of surprises. Anything else I should know?"

    Wringing my hands a little, I sat down again. "Look, I really don't feel comfortable sharing the details."

    "Suddenly you're having the best sex of your life and you don't want to talk about it?"

    I said nothing,

    Not that it wasn't the best. Because it *definitely* was.

    Sephiroth gave me a knowing look. "Tseng, please. Humor an old man who hasn't even *seen* the love of his life in over twenty years."

    "You're not that old."

    "Please, I'm nearly forty."

    "Has it really been that long? Over twenty years?"

    "To my heart it seems longer." He looked away from me, looking down. "So much longer."

    This wasn't some lame guilt trip he was pushing on me. I could tell in every facet of his expression that this was the real thing. I felt compelled to quench his curiosity. Maybe it would help him remember his past with Vincent a *little* better. "What else do you wish to know?"

    "Just how passionate is it?"

    I paused a moment, thinking back. I thought back to the night before of my love and I tangled in a combination of limbs and lips and fingers, kissing and touching one another wherever we could reach.

    "Oh...Tseng..." He had taken my hand; was kissing my fingers. "Don't leave me."

    "No..." I assured him, my voice hardly above a whisper. "No, I couldn't never... Not as long as you wanted me..."

    "Overwhelmingly," I answered, in a complete trance, more images flashing through my mind. Suddenly I *really* couldn't wait to get home.

    "God, you really are serious." He sounded shocked. "I guess you have no complaints--aside from the fact that he won't fuck you, which doesn't seem like a big deal."

    I snapped out of my daze. "He doesn't love me," I told him. "Not like I love him. Sometimes... I feel bad for trapping him in a relationship with someone he doesn't love. Plus, he keeps telling me I can see other people." I sighed. "Like I would want to."

    "He's feeding you that crap, huh?" Sephiroth commented. "I doubt he means it."

    "I think he does."

    "Believe what you wish. Reeve loves you. He always has. Whether he's aware of it or not, I don't know. But someday he'll see it. And then he'll forget this stupid reputation he's trying to hide behind, and he'll fuck your brains out telling you he loves you over and over and over again because he feels so damn guilty for hiding it for so damn long."

    "Don't be rediculous!" I exclaimed, only wishing I could believe his words.

    "You'll end up married to Reeve someday," he said seriously, looking me straight in the eyes as he said so. "It may be awhile off, but you will. And on your wedding day I'm going to stand there and say 'I told you so'."

    I laughed, finding this all an image from my fantasies, rather than something that could ever be true. "You keep thinking that," I told him. "This is only temporary. Just until...he feels better about himself again." I sighed sadly, looking away. "It's only a matter of time before he finds a woman he really loves and leaves me for her."

    Before Sephiroth could reply, his PHS beeped, and he glanced at the message onscreen. "Dammit. Heidegger needs me." He sighed, standing. "Oh yes, I did come here for a reason, Venustas."

    "Oh yes? And what would that be?"

    "I won't be around for a few months. They are having a SOLDIER training camp for potential candidates. I must be there to run things."

    "Only the best for Shinra Inc.," I said, sounding like a commercial.

    "Quite true," he agreed. "Very well, Tseng, I will see you upon my return."

    "Good-bye, masuta."

    He left me alone, and I picked up my paperwork again, still chuckling at the impossibility of Sephiroth's words.

    Shouldn't I have been crying?

    But I was home at last around seven, hungry for food and *dying* to see Reeve again.

    Now where was he?

    I came in quietly, shrugging off my jacket and tossing it onto the couch. "Reeve?" I walked into the bedroom.

    Reeve was sitting on the floor near the closet in a t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans, a pile of boxes scattered around him, going through the contents.

    I stopped dead.

    That was Bryatt's stuff he had found.

    Not that I was mad.

    Why would I be mad? It wasn't like I had anything to hide, or like I was ashamed of it. I think I was just...surprised he would take an interest in it. "Reeve?" I loosened my tie, slipped off my shoes and plodded over to him. "Going through my stuff?" I sat.

    "Sorry," he apologized. "I was looking for something...and I saw all these boxes. I was curious."

    "I'm not mad," I told him. "Just....surprised."

    "You never told me too much about him," Reeve said as he flipped through some notebook pages. "You never told me he was a writer."

    I smiled, remembering how much Bryatt valued his writing. "And a talented one at that. Bryatt loved to write." I gestured to the many filled notepads. "Can you tell?" I chuckled lightly, glancing down at what Reeve was looking at. "This is...all I have left of him."

    "He was *very* talented," Reeve agreed, flipping through some more pages. He then turned his eyes to me. "And he apparently thought very highly of you."

    I blushed, looking away.

    "He really loved you," Reeve said gently.

    "I know..." I whispered.

    "Have you read this?" he dug through the pile and came up with a book marked 'journal'.

    I gasped. "His journal? Reeve, you read that!?"

    "Haven't you?"

    "No!" I exclaimed, feeling myself blush further. "I could never."

    "I think you should." He placed it in my lap.

    I looked down at it, but I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to open it. That was Bryatt's. Would it be right to open it now? To get inside his head? It never seemed that way before. Shaking my head, I pushed it away. "I can't."

    Reeve took it back. "Fine. I'll read some of it to you then."

    He picked it up and opened it, and I felt myself shaking as he began to read.

    Reeve read, "Dear Journal. Tseng and I made love again tonight. Even if it's not technically sex, it's still making love to me. I love him. He knows that. And even though I want him completely--I want him *so* much--I can't do it. Even if he wants it too. I can't take his virginity. It should only be with someone he really *does* love. And he doesn't love me. But someday he'll find someone he does love. And when that time comes I'll let him go. I'll be sad--but glad to see him happy. I only want him to be happy. I love him so much. ...So much there aren't even words. 'Love' doesn't really seem like a big enough word. But it is a very powerful word, isn't it? Love. Four little letters that combine to make so much. It's....sort of amazing, isn't it? I don't think I'll ever find anyone I love as much as Tseng. I don't think it's possible. I'd die for him in an instant...." Reeve slowed down a little at this part, his voice growing softer. "That's how much I love him." He composed himself again, reading normally once more. "I think true love is when you really cannot even name all the reasons why you love someone, because there are so many of them, but if you had to, you could. It would take years, but you could do it. Every little detail... I know that if I was listing some of the reasons why I loved Tseng, it would be ten million miles long. God, there are so many. Every time we're together... I just love to hold him. And when I'm kissing him, it's the best thing in the world. And god, I love the way he holds on to me and whimpers my name when we're intimate. And he's so beautiful. And kind. And gentle. He would never hurt anyone. He's the kind of person everyone likes. And I love him. And for now, he's in my arms. As I write this he's asleep, cuddled up against me, and I think how I could die perfectly happy right now. Because I have found love. And I'm only 16. How lucky am I? Well, I think I'm going to wrap my arms around Tseng, tell him how much I love him and go to sleep now. Till tomorrow, then. Bryatt."

    A single tear trickled down my cheek.

    "He was so wise...for only 16..." Reeve said in amazement. Then he looked up at me, eyes widening slightly. "Oh, Tseng, why are you crying?"

    Because I missed him. Because he *did* die for me. Because I was too stupid to know I loved him back, even if it wasn't enough. Because he felt the exact same way for me....as I did about Reeve. But I was weeping too hard to reply.

    Reeve enclosed me in his arms. "Shush..." he soothed me, stroking the back of my head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry." He kissed my ear and added, "I didn't mean to make you miss him."

    "I do miss him," I admitted, gripping his shoulders as I rested my head. "And I did love him, just not the same. And I was too stupid to tell the difference. But...but...but...I..."

    "But what?" His green eyes were so gentle and full of understanding.

    "But he loved me..." I choked out, holding Reeve tighter. "Just how I love you."

    He held me tighter, eyes closing. "Oh, Tseng... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... But I do love you... I do... Just not...not..." he trailed off, I guess unable to finish.

    Shutting my own eyes, I nuzzled my face against his. "Reeve... I've been thinking about you all day..."

    "I've been thinking about you too.... And last night... I can't get it out of my head."

    "I *want* you, Reeve," I said, practically growling as I griped the back of his shirt so tightly my knuckles most surely turned white.

    "I want you to take me," he gasped. "I want to be yours."

    We undressed one another, slowly, then climbed into bed and savored one another, caressing and kissing, being so gentle, and when he touched and kissed me it almost felt like he really did love me.

    Afterwards I lay with my head on his chest, one of his hands flowing softly through my hair, the other held in mine.

    "I love you, Reeve," I told him as I kissed his hand.

    "Mon amour," he sighed, and I wondered what that meant. "Tseng, that was....unbelievable."

    It most definitely had been. I considered telling Reeve that I told Sephiroth about us, but I decided to wait. "Mmm...it was wonderful." I lifted my head and looked up at him. "I want to stay and cuddle with you, but I'm *starving* to death. So you wanna get something to eat, then cuddle?"

    Reeve smiled at me, hand still stroking through my hair. "Sure."

    So we climbed back into our boxers, went into the kitchen, heated up some food, and ate it leaning against the counters, very casually. We ate in almost complete silence, standing across from one another.

    "I wish I could have met Bryatt," Reeve said suddenly, out of nowhere.

    I put my plate down. "You would have liked him," I said, quietly.

    "I can tell from his writing."

    But Reeve's voice was only a background noise.

    "I'm....I'm sorry, Tseng. I'm sorry that I had to protect you.... One....last....time."

    "He saved my life."

    "I know."

    "...Promise me you'll never steal."

    "No, no. Never."

    "I broke my own promise.... How could I do that?"

    "Huh?"

    "I *do* steal. I steal for Shinra all the time..."

    "Tseng, what are you talking about?"

    "You will be happy. I know you will. Someday. Even if it is far off. You'll find someone you do love, and you'll be happy with them... Just as... Just as I was happy with you..."

    How far off, Bryatt? HOW FAR OFF? "Reeve." I spoke his name, a command, and held my arms out to him like a child would to his parents. Within a moment I was in Reeve's arms, and he was holding me.

    "I shouldn't have brought it up," he said.

    "I'm sorry... I was just....remembering...some things..."

    He kissed the top of my head. "It's all right, Tseng. Let's go back to bed."

    Imagine my surprise when he took me in his arms and *carried* me back. I clung to him, always wanting to feel him close against me like this. He lay besides me and I shut my eyes and let him kiss me, let him touch me, almost hesitantly.

    "Reeve."

    "What?" he whispered in my ear.

    "Are you happy?" I opened my eyes, meeting his. "Are you happy, being with me?"

    He nodded, barely. "Yes. Yes, very."

    Wordlessly I embraced him, holding him closer, my eyes falling shut once more.

    "Tseng?" he whispered.

    I whispered back, "what?"

    "....Bryatt...showed you he loved you without actually having sex, right?"

    "Yes," I replied, unsure of his intent.

    "Show me?" he requested. "I want..." he paused, then regrouped. "I want to do that to you."

    I shuddered at the mere suggestion. "Yes... All right, Reeve."

    So I showed him, just what we used to do. And I held him tight to me, as we rubbed against one another. Neither of us lasted all that long.

    "You always whimper, right before you come," Reeve whispered, kissing me just below the ear. "I love the way you arch your back with your eyes closed so tight...you really lose yourself."

    Had he really been paying that much attention to my reactions? "I love the way..."

    "What else?" he asked, pressing another kiss.

    "Aah..." I stalled, hesitating. "This is...very intimate..."

    "Tell me what it is."

    "Remember what I did to you....that time we 'experimented'."

    "He did that to you?" he looked at me with interest.

    "He would never actually fuck me, but he would use his fingers to...aah....you don't want to--"

    "I do," he cut me off, sounding quite sure of himself. "I want to. I'll do it."

    I couldn't believe my own ears. He *would*, he said. Reeve *would*.

   And he *did*. And it was so wonderful, that I practically blacked out afterwards.

    When I was aware of my surroundings again, Reeve was besides me, looking concerned. "You okay?"

    "Yeah," I assured him, my voice a little hoarse. "That was....beyond words."

    "You were so loud--I thought I'd hurt you."

    "Oh no. I've never felt more incredible." Imagine what it would be like if you really were inside me.

    Reeve took me into his arms. "I loved doing that to you. Really."

    I nuzzled against him. "Now I think I need to do something to you." I moved my hand between his legs.

    Reeve moaned, bending his head back as I touched him intimately. "Ugh....why do you have to arouse me so much?"

    I smiled, leaning in to kiss him.

    Once we were too tired to fool around anymore, he held me, right against him, his head resting on top of mine as I cuddled against his chest.

    "Tseng?"

    "Yes?"

    "Did you ever....you know, be inside Bryatt?"

    I shook my head. "No. He wouldn't let me do that either."

    "I see." A pause, then he asked, "Did you want to?"

    "Yes... I did. Even if..." I trailed off. Now was not a good time to finish this conversation. Actually, *never* was a good time to finish it.

    "Even if what?"

    Dammit. I should have known he'd follow up. I couldn't lie to him now. "It's just that I prefer to be the submissive. I was almost always with Bryatt, the same with Sephiroth, Ben and I used to fight for it but I would usually win, and I was always on the bottom with...ah...you know." I licked my lips nervously, then turned to look up at him. "But it doesn't bother me at all, Reeve. I like being on top too. I like doing anything with you. I love you."

    There was a bit of a stiffness as Reeve held me closer to him. "It's okay. Don't apoligize. *I* should be sorry."

    "You have nothing--"

    "Yes. Yes I do."

    Then, at that moment, I wasn't sure what to think.

    "Sephiroth has requested your presence at the SOLDIER camp," Heidegger explained. "You have to leave tomorrow morning."

    I blinked, wondering why Sephiroth would make such a request,  but failing to ask the question. It was a question that Heidegger would probably be unable to answer. I wondered about Sephiroth's intentions. I didn't want to go, leaving would mean I would have to leave Reeve alone... Sephiroth better have a damn good reason... "How long, sir?"

    "I'm not sure," he admitted with a shrug of his broad shoulders. "I guess until Sephiroth doesn't need you anymore. And I hope it's not long. I need you *here* in Midgar."

    "Yes, sir," I said dutifully. "This is where I belong."

    "Well you can go home now," he told me. "Pack and rest up for your journey."

    I nodded. "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." I turned and left his office, my mind a muddled mess. Me? At a SOLDIER camp? What was the point? I doubted the intentions were professional on any level.

    "Hi, Tseng."

    I looked up. "Oh, hello, Ben."

    "I haven't seen you in awhile," he said. "Have you been busy?"

    "A little bit. Tomorrow I have to leave to go to the SOLDIER camp."

    "Oh? What for?"

    "I honestly have no idea," I admitted.

    "Sounds interesting." He paused. "Are you on duty?"

    Immediately my posture slipped, as I remembered that I wasn't. "Oh no, I just got off. I was just heading home."

    "Lucky you," he smiled. "I have a pile of paperwork to attend to." I made a face and he laughed. "That's about how I feel about everything these days."

    "You seeing anyone?" I asked him.

    He shrugged. "Not really. I think I'm the only gay man in the world who doesn't like to  have sex on the first date."

    "I think that is true," I agreed with a grin. "So have you been putting out, Ben?" I kidded.

    "No!" he exclaimed, blushing and looking around frantically. "Quiet--someone might hear you!"

    I laughed harder, I couldn't help it. And even I tried to stifle it with my hand, Ben shot me a stern look anyway. "What?" I commented, trying to look innocent as I said not-so-innocently, "You could use a good fuck."

    "Speaking of that, who have *you* been going to lately?" Before I could make up some answer, he checked his watch and muttered a curse. "I better get going. I'll see you when you get back. Have a nice trip." He leaned forward and kissed my forehead before heading down the hallway.

    Putting a hand to my head, I watched absently after him and muttered, "bye."

    "Talking to Ben?"

    I jumped a foot in the air and turned around. Normally, I wouldn't have been startled so easily, but it was the person who's voice spoke those words that  produced that reaction. "Reeve. Hi."

    Reeve smiled at me. "Going home?"

    "Yes," I sighed, "But I'm afraid I have some bad news....I guess," I added, not really sure if he would be upset over it."

    "What's that?" he asked, brow furrowing in concern.

    "Not too bad," I soothed over quickly. "Just I have to leave tomorrow for a few days. Heidegger is sending me to the SOLDIER camp." I purposely left out the part about how Sephiroth had requested it.

    "Oh." Reeve frowned. "I see."

    "I don't want to go," I assured him. "I don't have a choice."

    "That's okay. Let's go home and we can relax."

    The ride home was quiet. Neither of us said much. I was trying to figure out why Sephiroth wanted me there, and I was scared that I had the answer pinned...

    The elevator was broken in my building--or could I call it *our* building now?--so we had to walk seven flights of stairs to my--our?--floor. It was nothing for me, being in such great shape, but Reeve was a little winded and insisted we stop after the fourth and take a break for a minute or too.

    He leaned against one railing, panting, and I leaned against the other, just watching him. He looked completely desirable like that--a flush to his cheeks and hair hanging in his face.

    "What?" he breathing had nearly turned to normal, and he shot me a curious look as he caught me staring. "What's that look?"

    I cleared my throat and said in my most casual tone, "That's my 'you're so beautiful I want to kiss you right now' look."

    "We should really getting up the rest of those stairs," Reeve said suddenly, totally eager now. He headed for the next floor and I shook my head and laughed softly, following him. I was going to miss Reeve the time I was gone.

    The apartment door was unlocked in timely fashion and as soon as I was inside, Reeve grabbed me by the waist and kicked the door shut with his foot. I moaned as he covered his mouth with mine, eyes slamming shut as my arms wound around his back. Our kiss was deep and overly passionate. Reeve pressed his hips against me, holding me as close as he possibly could.

    Then he drew away, and I panted, my nerves still trying to recover.

    "Is that how you wanted to kiss me?" he whispered in my ear.

    "I would have settled for a peck, but I'll take that anytime," I commented, my eyes opening as I smiled up at him.

    Reeve smiled at me, then held me closer, whispering again in my ear. "I want to get naked with you and make out on the couch."

    I shuddered, sighing happily. "You? Naked? Sounds good to me." A mischievous little smile played on my lips and I slung my arms around his neck and jumped up, wrapping my legs around his waist. Reeve loved it when I did that.

    "I love it when you do that," he whispered, his voice husky as he claimed my mouth again, roughly this time. He carried me over to the couch and we both fell onto it, me under him, just where I liked to be. His hands went immediately to the task of getting me naked, something he accomplished quite quickly. He fought off my attempts to do the same to him and instead insisted on kissing the life out of me, grinding against me and making me whimper and moan. His lips were almost *viciously* rough, and I *loved* it. I could feel the *need*, the *want* the *passion* behind every tongue stroke to mine.

    "Mmmm...Reeve, take your clothes off."

    "I thought you would like to do that," he commented with a smile before covering my mouth again.

    Of course I would! And I did so, brushing my fingers over his sensitive points and driving him insane. But soon enough I felt  his flesh against mine, and I trembled, wrapping one hand around his neck, another resting on his shoulder, as he brought his lips towards mine again. I wrapped my legs around his waist, and delighted in the touch of his lips on mine. Our kissing grew more and more intense and we were both moaning, rocking our hips together frantically. As our lips broke apart he placed desperate kisses to my skin, sucking and licking at my throat. I grabbed handfuls of his hair and pulled with each flick of the tongue, forcing his hips more tightly to mine. If he shifted down a little further, he could...

    "Oh, I want you," I moaned, arching my back ever so slightly as a hand at the nape of his neck edged him on. "I don't want to go with Sephiroth."

    At the mention of that name, Reeve immediately looked up. "What? Sephiroth?"

    I blinked. Oops. "Yeah, he'll be there."

    He seemed to scowl. "Oh." Then he sat up, going to take a seat at the edge of the couch. I sat up, silently cursing myself for ruining our intimate moment. "Well don't worry about me."

    What is *that* supposed to mean? "What do you mean?" I asked cautiously.

    "I mean you're not *mine*," he said coldly. "You're not my boyfriend. Just my friend. You can sleep with other people."

  Sleep with other people?? I had been desiring nothing but Reeve for almost ten years, and he tells me *this*? "I don't want to," I said, completely in shock, my voice soft.

    "Well maybe you should." He stood, completely sour now. "Because I can't give you what you want."

    I watched with slumped shoulders as he went and stomped off into the bedroom.

    I slept on the couch that night, and in the morning, I left without waking him.

    "Come in!"

    It was nice to hear Sephiroth's familiar voice, and I went in cautiously. Sephiroth was standing by the window with an attractive boy of about eighteen with black spikey hair and playful blue eyes. He looked me over as I entered. Sephiroth looked me over too, as if I had changed since he had seen me last.

    "Hello, Sephiroth. I understand you called for me?" I said dutifully.

    "Yes, Tseng. Welcome. Meet Zack Mainstay, a SOLDIER, first class."

    "A pleasure to meet you." I crossed the room and offered my hand, and he shook it warmly.

    "The pleasure is all mine, Tseng. I've heard a lot about you." He raised his eyebrows and I was a little take back by the seduction.

    "That will be all, Zack. Thank you."

    "Thank you, sir. Good-bye, Tseng."

    "Good-bye." I watched him as he left. Then I turned back to the window where Sephiroth stood, gazing out the pane. "Are you fucking him?"

    "No," he answered simply. "I'm fairly certain he's straight."

    Yeah, right, I thought, I know when I'm being hit on. "I see. Well, I'm a bit curious as to why I am here."

    He turned to look at me, his electric green eyes significantly downcast. "Drop the act, please. You are not here for business."

    I blinked, shoulders slouching, and I had a feeling my original hunch had been right. "You called me all the way here just to fuck?"

    "You jump to quick conclusions."

    "I know you well."

    "That you do." He looked back out the window. "How are things with Reeve."

    I opened my mouth to answer that things were fine---things were JUST FINE. But I couldn't. I couldn't lie to him. Especially not now, when I was hurting... "It's hard..."

    "Because he doesn't love you?"

    I winced. It stung my heart to hear it put so bluntly. "Yes. Because he doesn't consider what we have together anything."

    "But you do."

    "He says it's fine if I see other people."

    "He's lying."

    "I was he was." I sighed, putting a hand to my forehead and trying to start crying. "God, it hurts me so much. And here I thought things would be okay. They were...for awhile."

    "Things will never be okay until he's the one fucking *you*," Sephiroth was looking at me again. "You will never get over the pain that has been plaguing you since the day you met until he tells you he loves you and means it like you do."

    "That will never happen." I shut my eyes, squeezing them tight to prevent from the tears.

    Sephiroth didn't answer right away. I heard him stand, and then I felt his hands come to rest lightly on my shoulders. "I miss Vincent," he said.

    "I want Reeve," a tear trickled down my cheek.

    He held me to him, his cheek against mine. "I've been crying every night, I'm so lonely... I feel like a fool."

    "You're not, you're not," I assured him, tears trickling down my face.

    "I miss him... God, I miss him... Sometimes it's so hard to go on anymore."

    I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to "cheat" on Reeve, no matter what the fuck he thought. But I couldn't help it. I wasn't *his*. It was all I wanted in the world, and I wasn't. Reeve would never think of me as his, and that was something I was going to have to deal with. I could be anyone else's, and he wouldn't care. I wanted to be wanted, possessed and needed. And right now Sephiroth needed me. And really, I needed him too.

    So I stepped out of his embrace, and I stripped right there before him, completely, dropping every last piece of my clothing on the floor around me. He watched in surprise, his eyes gliding over my form several times before his eyes met mine. I stared back at him firmly and said in a tone that matched my expression: "Fuck me. Fuck me *now*, and fuck me *hard*."

    "Oh...my pleasure..." sighed Sephiroth, grabbing me around the waist and throwing me onto the bed. He took my lips first, kissing me harder than I could ever remember. Then he moved down my neck, biting and nipping, sometimes soft and sometimes hard. My eyes were shut tight, and my breathing was coarse as he moved down my neck, biting hard at the juncture of neck and shoulder. I cried out, arching towards his lips and clawing at his back and clutching handfuls of black material.

    We spoke no real words other than our cries of pleasure and passion. I couldn't stop thinking about Reeve the whole time, and it ate away at me inside. Sephiroth pounded me into the mattress and I was moaning very loudly, struggling not to cry Reeve's name, while Sephiroth panted and growled as he finished the fuck.

    "Vincent!"

    "Oh....god...!" I cried softly, hanging onto him all the more tightly. I hadn't opened my eyes the whole time.

    Sephiroth sighed, still breathing heavily. "I'm sorry," he said. "I said his name again."

    "It's all right," I told him, finally opening my eyes and sitting up. I sighed as I added, "I was so close to saying *his*." And I had been. I really had been. Oh, god dammit, Reeve...

    "Tseng, I'm so sorry." He shot me a sympathetic look. "It's a hard thing."

    To put it lightly... "God dammit..." I put a hand to my head, upset with myself, upset with Sephiroth, upset with Reeve, upset with *life*. "You know, I sometimes wish I didn't love him so damn much." Then it wouldn't hurt so damn much.

    "He needs you. You know that." He put a hand on my thigh.

    Oh yes. I knew that well. "I do. And I'll do anything he asks for me." If only he wouldn't shut me out...

    "I think he knows how lucky he is."

  Lucky? I'm sure he hardly thinks that way. But I simply pushed the sheets back and got up, reaching for the clothes I had so hastily discarded before. "I shouldn't even be here."

    He watched me. "That's my fault. I needed some....comfort. And all I did was scream his name." He sighed and shook his head. "Tseng, I'm sorry."

    I didn't want to hear that he was sorry. I didn't care whose name he said.  Sometimes I just needed a good fuck that had no emotional attachments. "It doesn't matter to me and Reeve doesn't care anyway," I replied bitterly, buckling my belt. "I owe you a countless amount of favors, Sephiroth. Whatever you wish." You need it, I need it, I owe you, who cares the reason.

    "I thank you," he said, casting his eyes downward again.

    I didn't know what to say. "I must be getting back to Midgar." Back to Reeve...

    "Of course."

    "...Will you be all right?" I asked, concerned. I had never seen my master this depressed, and it upset me to see him this way.

    "I will live as I have all these years."

    What was *that* supposed to mean? Maybe it was a bad idea to leave him alone... "Sephiroth, if you want me to stay--"

    "No." He looked up, his eyes meeting mine. "You don't belong here with me, Tseng. It was stupid of me to ask you to come. It is not your job to be my on call fuck toy." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Go back to Reeve. Please. I have...many things to think about."

    I picked up my jacket and went over to him, placing a firm kiss to his forehead. He looked up in shock and I stared him in the eyes and said quite seriously, "I love you, Sephiroth. For what it's worth---you're very important to me."

    The faintest hint of a smile passed over his lips. "Thank you, Tseng. That means a great deal to me. And, for what it's worth, I return your feelings, little one."

    I patted his shoulder. "I'll see you back in Midgar."

    "You will."

    And I left feeling a tiny bit better. But I was still thinking about Reeve.

    "Hey!"

    I shut the door and turned to see a familiar blue eyed black haired boy grinning at me as he came down the hallway. "Hello, Zack."

    "We meet again, Tseng." He had one of those brilliant smiles that showed off his sparkling white teeth. "I was hoping we would."

    He was hitting on me.

    And I was letting him.

    I raised an eyebrow and gave him a seductive look. Ah, you little whore! What are you doing?? "Oh?"

    "I'm going to be straight with you," he said, meeting my eyes and not breaking the contact. "I'm *not* straight."

    "I could tell," I said honestly.

    "Oh yeah?" he leaned against the wall casually. "I'm bi actually. But I've been hiding the part of me that....likes men."

    This intrigued me. I crossed my arms, eyebrow still raised. "And I get to be the lucky person you come out to?"

    To my surprise he gave me a seductive right back, and he was *sexy*.  "I can't hide it from you. You're too god damn good looking."

    I fought off my exploding ego and the blush creeping up on my cheeks. If that wasn't an *excellent* compliment. I had to return with a compliment. "You're pretty good looking yourself."

    "How would you like to have a drink with me?" he offered, holding up a couple of gil. "I'll pay."

    Why not? I figured. It was late now, and I could call Reeve later and tell him I was coming home tomorrow. "Sounds good."

    "Great," he said with a grin.

    And that grin told me we would be doing a lot more than drinking.

    A few drinks later, and I was feeling giddy. I knew he was too, and despite the fact that he was only eighteen years old, and shouldn't have been drinking in the first place. But I was like that, and so in that fashion, he reminded me of myself.

    The bar was noisy, and packed full of guys from wall to wall. Yes, in case you're wondering, we had gone to a gay bar. It was nice to be in such a free environment for a change. I didn't remember ever being able to look around and seeing guys being so openly intimate with one another.

    Both Zack and I had been hit on several times, but we brushed off the advances and concentrated on the simple conversation we were having.

    "For someone who just came out you're pretty comfortable about it," I commented, sipping at my beer. Zack was so casual and carefree. He was always smiling. It was a very refreshing personality to be around for a change. I needed a little light in my life for a change. I liked Zack.

    "I'm sick of pretending. I just wanna be myself now, ya know?"

    I nodded. I did know.  "I understand."

    "So, you don't have a boyfriend, do you?"

    I sighed inwardly and quietly shook my head. No, I didn't have a boyfriend. I had a--I don't know what I had. I had Reeve, I guess. Sometimes. Or maybe not at all. But I fought back the pain and turned to him. "Do you have someone you have your eye on?"

    He nodded. "To be honest, I do. His name's Cloud Strife, real cute blonde kid. He's gay, and younger than me, but more experienced with....men." Zack swallowed, thinking before forming his words. "That's why I was wondering if you would wanna....you know...teach me some stuff."

    My eyes widened slightly. Teach him? About sex with a man. "Don't you know how it works?"

    "Of course! It's just.... I don't wanna screw up."

    "Hmn." I pressed my lips together and thought a moment. I didn't want to cheat on Reeve, ever. But he didn't consider it cheating, even if I did. Or did I? Who knows what I thought anymore. Who knows what anyone thought. Just do what you want. "You want me to fuck you?"

    "Yeah!" he said eagerly, blue eyes lighting up. "I'd like to...um...do you too, if you'd let me."

    *Now* I was interested. Sure, Sephiroth had just fucked me that very afternoon, but I had gone so long without having someone inside me I was going to jump at any chance. I wasn't one for one night stands, but this was a different circumstance. "All right. Let's go."

    The expression on Zack's face told me I wasn't going to regret my decision.

    "Ah... Ah..."

    "Oh *GODS* you're amazing! Harder, HARDER!"

    "Ah... Oh... Oh..."

    "Oh, yes! Yes! Gods! Tseng! Oh, *yes*! Oh *YES*!"

    Well... I try to do my best at everything.

    He looked at me in amazement when it was all over. Him, sitting up on an elbow, black hair cascading over broad shoulders, blue eyes still shining. He really was beautiful. "That was beyond amazing. That was beyond incredible even. Is it always that good?"

    "They say stroking the prostrate causes a pleasurable sensation," I said calmly, a smirk forming at the corners of my mouth. "Would you agree?"

    "Understatement!" he declared, and I laughed. I couldn't remember laughing in awhile it seemed... "I hope I can make you feel that good."

    Judging by his size, he would have no problem at all. "Willing to try?" I offered, almost innocently.

    That was all the encouragement he seemed to need. Then I was the one on my back with my legs in the air, crying out while he pushed.

    I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy myself. Horribly, horribly lying.

    But the truth was, it was just sex. We only kissed a few times throughout the entire night, and the only emotion involved was pure animal attraction.

    Right before I fell asleep, I thought of Reeve.

    But that was hours ago, and I was home now.

    I spent my whole ride home wondering what I would say to him. Would he speak to me? Was he mad? I missed him. I wanted to hold him and feel him. I wanted to hear his voice and feel him touch me. I trembled just thinking of it.

    It was late, and my apartment was mostly dark when I entered. There was no sound aside from the clock ticking softly in the hall. I figured Reeve was already asleep.

    Leaving my luggage in the living room, I tiptoed into the bedroom where I laid eyes upon Reeve, fast asleep there, all snuggled up with not only several blankts, but one of my uniform jackets as well.

    My breath became caught in my throat, and I just wanted to break down and cry, so sorry I left him in the first place. How could I do such a thing? Even if he couldn't love me, Reeve *needed* me. And I was foolish to need anyone but him. And in that instant I truly hated myself.

    I slipped off my shoes and jacket, going over to the bed and looking down at him, so serene in the moonlight. I couldn't help but reach out and stroke my fingers across that smooth forehead. And imagine my shock as Reeve sighed and muttered my name in his sleep.

    My guilt set in further. "Reeve," I whispered, crawling onto the bed and shaking his shoulder gently. "Reeve...."

    His green eyes opened slowly, just like a child waking from a nap. He cuddled closer to the jacket he clutched before he looked up, his weary eyes quickly going wide as he saw me.

    "Enfin, mon amour," he breathed, reaching up and stroking my cheek as if he couldn't believe it. "Oh god, thank god--Tseng!" he sat up like he had been shot out of a cannon and wrapped his arms tightly around me, head resting on my shoulder as he started to cry. "Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

    I felt a tear trickle from my own eye, although I wasn't exactly sure why I was crying. And I didn't care. I was just so glad to be back with Reeve in my embrace. "Oh, Reeve." The words were a weak whisper. "*I'm* sorry. *So* sorry."

    "Tseng..." he lifted his head, placing frantic kisses along my neck and jawline. "You... I need you..."

    "I need you too," I sighed, eyes closing as I melted into his kisses. "Oh, my love... Oh my love..."

    He captured my lips and we kissed. It was so gentle and loving--almost--that we both stopped completely for a moment, enjoying the feel of lips only and I remembered why I loved him so much.

    Our lips parted and then he kissed me again, deep this time, desperate. He pulled me back, onto the bed, onto him. Tears were still falling down his face. No words were exchanged as we entwined and devoured one another's mouths. Kissing him was so exquisite that I could do it forever and never tire of it.

    "I love you," I panted, breathing against his lips as we parted, dizzy from our frantic kisses. "I missed you so much, Reeve."

    "I missed you too," he assured me. "I'm so glad you're back. *So* glad."

    "You're what I want, you're all I want," I assured him, tracing his face with my fingertips.

    His hands were at my waist, pulling at my belt. "I need to do this to you before I go insane."

    "Do what?" I questioned breathlessly as I was pushed onto my back and lay there helplessly as my pants were pulled off. My heart was pounding in my chest.

    "Put my fingers where you want them," he whispered, pressing a kiss to my forehead and then to my lips.

    I moaned, relaxing and letting him do as he wished. Reeve had the power to make me feel better than anyone ever had, or ever could.

    "Oh..." I arched my backing, drawing a sharp breath. "Oh, I...I love you..."

    "Ah, mon bel homme..."

    He had been using so many words I wasn't familiar with. "Reeve... Ah... What does that mean?"

    "Nothing." He placed kisses to my skin.

    I knew it didn't mean *nothing*. But he was in no mood to share. And really, I was in no mood or position to force it. A moment or two later I could barely remember my own name the pleasure was so intense.

    He would barely let me do more than kiss him that night. Once we were void of energy, I lay against him, his arm around my shoulders, my head resting on his chest and listening to his heartbeat, so soothing in my ear. I held him tightly and a contented sigh escaped my lips knowing that this was where I belonged.

    "Now I'll be able to sleep sound," he sighed.

    "Me too," I agreed quietly.

    He stroked a hand through my hair and asked, "How was the camp?"

    I shut my eyes and took hold of his other hand, tight. "Boring."

    Sephiroth burned down Nibelheim. The Sephiroth who had practically raised me, who was one of my nearest and dearest friends, and who I depended so heavily upon, went mad when he found out what he was and killed almost every last person in Nibelheim. The only two left with a spark of life in them were two faces I recognized....were Cloud....and Zack.

    I refuse to discuss the Nibelheim Project. REFUSE. I can't. It's one, if not *the*, worst period in my life. And I don't know what I would have done if Reeve hadn't been there. I really don't know. I would assume the worst. I was a wreck. I could barely think. My emotions were a jumbled mess I couldn't sort out. Sephiroth, my teacher, my confidant, my friend, DEAD. DEAD. And he left the town in a sea of flames. He hurt Cloud. He hurt Zack. The sea of flames, consuming the flesh and choking the throat. He had killed them just like my family had died. Just like *I* had nearly died. And now he was dead Sephiroth. He was DEAD.

    Mom, Dad, Leven, Cari, Bryatt and now Sephiroth. ...How...how many more would I have to lose?

    Not Reeve. Oh no, no, no. I would do anything to keep him. I needed Reeve. I NEEDED Reeve. I couldn't lose anyone else... Couldn't... Couldn't...

    I'm not proud of what went on during that project. Have to turn my back on it, because my job tells me that I *have* to. So I did. But I didn't like it. Reeve didn't like it either, but it wasn't in his words that I could tell. I was a wreck every moment I spent in those charred ruins. But Reeve would hold me for hours and comfort me. He never complained. He would hold me, and stroke my hair, telling me how beautiful I was and how he never would ever leave me.

    I'll never forget a moment of those days. Those days where I ceased to exist and became nothing more than a sobbing mess of self-pity. Reeve was my anchor. There were times he was holding me that I almost talked myself into thinking that he actually loved me.

    But I knew he didn't, and never would.

    But I loved him. More than life. More than my life. Reeve *was* my life.

    Because, as it seemed, mine was dwindling with each loss. And I couldn't let it dwindle down to nothing.